Darkness plagues my eyes
Putrid flesh drips down on me
Tomb of death
No chance of salvation

No remorse I have
For my victims
Death, Small price to pay
For pleasured outcomes

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you

Piercing silence
Time has stopped
You reach for help
Then your mine

Inhale the carrion
As you die
Subdued by rapture
Decency I defy

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you

__________________

KILL KILL KILL!

__________________

__________________

KILL KILL KILL


Oops, I got carried away. Soulinsane is creating mass hysteria. "Here comes the cavalry." **

I didn't like the word putrid in the second line because I've read that word in so many pieces like this it's got mold on it.

In the second verse the line --No remorse I have ---sounds awkward to me. I put sentences together sort of like that sometimes, but I think it would sound better as No remorse have I or I have no remorse. The first one being my preference.

The repeated parts that begin -- My hands are God -- were really good at conveying and summing up the power of the verses.

Pretty cool piece.

** from "I Know What I Like In Your Wardrobe" by Genesis, Selling England By the Pound.

__________________

Darkness plagues my eyes
Liquid flesh rains down on me
Welcome to my tomb of death
No chance of salvation

No remorse have I
For my victims
Death, Small price to pay
For pleasured outcomes

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you

Piercing silence
Time has stopped
You reach for help
Then you're mine

Inhale the carrion
As you die
Subdued by rapture
Decency I defy

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you


Better?

__________________

Yes, that was very good. Small error in the fourth line of the fourth verse. It should be you're instead of your, but that's all I saw wrong.

Do you like it like that now?

__________________

Yea, thanks

__________________

Glad to help out.

__________________

Pretty well written piece, I think it will do well in a HM environment.
Don't take this wrong, but I was wondering where you get the inspiration to these kind of lyrics from?

__________________

This one was a lot of places and movies, just kinda shaped it into a general idea. The movie fear.com (movie fucking sucked) but there was that doctor that would do experiments on and sutff. I just got a vision of a big sewer type place were someone has lots of bodies and stuff. Nothing fancy. Why you ask?

__________________

Psychology studies.

__________________

Okay, that was low, sorry. But seriously, I am interested in the ways of inspiration; did an essay on it once but that was way before I found HM. Maybe it would be fun to do a revised version...

__________________

If you're interested I think somewhere not too far back in this forum inspirations and ideas were discussed.

__________________

not bad, has alot of cliché stuff but nothing too bad, i enjoyed it somewhat and i'd give it a 6 our of 10.. too bad i can't write that well myself though..

__________________

I need to shorten some of the lines cus it jsut doesnt flow with the music. Any suggestions? Basically just shortening the first few lines.

__________________

Well, I don't know how the music you intended sounds, but a quick idea from me would look something like this:

[Low and slow music opening, eerie]
(Whispering, like the thoughts of the person in the song)
Darkness plaguing... (Let sink in)
Putrid flesh dripping...(Let sink in)
[Music makes an abrupt stop, singer screams with increasing tone height)
Tomb of death
No chance of salvation!
[Music makes the jump to hyperspace and you got a metal song]

Don't know if its what you want, but maybe you can get some idea from it!

__________________