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Old 2005-09-29, 12:15
Amon rA's Avatar
Amon rA
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Posts: 472
not metal lyrics.

so what do you think of these, they're not metal lyrics, they're just poems. some bits rhyme, some bits don't. all of its spelled very badly.
i don't think i've ever bothered to write poetry before, so i thought i'd have a go.

Code:
perchance to wonder what's in store, the hear and now be vexed, to question, truly you ignore, your moment is the next to sit is restlessness endured to get up, jump and run to know that what is round the corner is not yourself undone to know for definite, for sure t'would a thing of greatness to see the world for what it is the outcome you expect... until you fall and in your misery you try to see what you did wrong can it be the simple truth that you will never sing that song? that you will never dance that dance? nor ever skip with joy you'll never taste accomplishment that others so enjoy that with so much vigour you attempt in vein is meant for greater men than you you should not try again the clock hands slowly turning still give more heart wrenching ticks with every second increases the feeling of reject until they line up once again with where they were before the time has come around for you to try again once more to sit is restlessness endured to pick up jump and run to give your all and more, and know its failure that you have undone


that doesnt have a name, but i would quite like to know what it made the reader think or feel or whatever

ok, dont be put off by the heavy handed beginning of this one, it gets easier to read about half way down.
Code:
this poem is called "poetry". Supposing surreptitiously stupefying suppositions succinctly similar since such is seen so situated slyly suggests, although affluent applies, all acronyms, anagrams, and anachronisms affect auspiciously alluding to the tongue tied position proposed, that of which I do not know what alliteration is. i merely noted that I didn't spot allot. what was not forgot, was what ought not be referred to as by me, assonance. however, i will. for while you call that repetition, i refuse to call it repetition, because to allude to repetition, repetition must be placed. and what you call this repetition what you refer to as repetition bears no mark of repetition as does the last eight. and now its time perhaps to rhyme relax unto your asinine behind collapse and than you’ll find your mind will relapse back to when it shined. To when you knew That I am capable of rhyme. and now its time to end my verse for pressures so much more perverse are threatening, with shaking fist to take my words and with a twist extract the meaning here within commit the everlasting sin to talk about a sunny meadow and rhyme the bloody word with shadow and yet continue on I must to stop you thinking this is just a rambling rhyme purpose opposed when actual fact youll find proposed deep within the textual prose and yet right underneath your nose and as you read beneath your nose you’ll find the proposition grows the proposition I propose shall reveal that he who knows or she, for you can never know the person who is reading prose with purpose evermore supposed that things are not beyond my grasp “which things?” you dutifully ask and I reply, assonance, alliteration, repetition and rhyme.
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"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"

Last edited by Amon rA : 2005-09-30 at 13:33.
 
Old 2005-09-30, 13:36
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX
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I have to confess that I skimmed the first one a couple times over the past few days and couldn't get a grip on it at all. Today I read through both. The first one had a slow beginning and seemed to not make a whole lot of sense to me, but once I got past the single line it came together. It really gave me horrible self-defeatist ideas of giving up dreams until I got to the end and then the rainbow appearred. I went back and reread it from the beginning and could see more of the setting being laid out for the rest of the piece then.

The second piece was awesome. I totally loved the Shel Silverstein-esque manner you wrote it in and some of it made me laugh. I can't gripe about it at all. It was wonderful. Now if you can recite it all in one breath with his vocal flucuations you'll be all set.

Sorry it took so long for my brain to function. You need to write more often.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
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Old 2005-09-30, 14:17
Amon rA's Avatar
Amon rA
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thanks for the reply.
so the first poem kind of worked, it was supposed to instill hope in the reader. perhaps i ought to tell people to read it twice.

i've had a few people tell me that the second one is overdone. i must admit its a little confusing in places, even to me.
who is Shel Silverstein?
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"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"
 
Old 2005-09-30, 14:50
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX
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Oh God bless you! Have you ever heard of the books "Where the Sidewalk Ends" or "The Giving Tree" ? He was a teacher and poet and wrote really great pieces. No subject was taboo. He did plays on words and long sentences sometimes like you did in the second piece. "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Who Wouldn't Take the Garbage Out" was what I thought of there. Dr. Demento used to play a recording of Shel reading it so it might be on one of the anniversary cd's on a music downloading site. It's worth it to here how animated his voice is. These are the words: http://www.banned-width.com/shel/works/sarah.html
Shel also did an album called "Freakin' at the Freaker's Ball" which was a party album of his poetry. Quite funny.

He did a really short piece that I love called "Someone Ate the Baby."

Someone ate the baby
It's perfectly clear
Someone ate the baby
Baby isn't here

How could you not love a writer as warped as that?

As far as asking people to read your top piece twice, it's probably just me. Sometimes my comprehension of things is bad unless it's really point blank obvious so don't think too much about my comment. That's just me and maybe no one else.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
 
Old 2005-09-30, 16:22
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus
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Pleasent reading, and thought provoking; two markers of many great metalsongs. You've got potential. Find some musicians and give it a shot.

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