2005-09-29, 12:15
|
|
Senior Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 472
|
|
not metal lyrics.
so what do you think of these, they're not metal lyrics, they're just poems. some bits rhyme, some bits don't. all of its spelled very badly.
i don't think i've ever bothered to write poetry before, so i thought i'd have a go.
Code:
perchance to wonder what's in store,
the hear and now be vexed,
to question, truly you ignore,
your moment is the next
to sit is restlessness endured
to get up, jump and run
to know that what is round the corner
is not yourself undone
to know for definite, for sure
t'would a thing of greatness
to see the world for what it is
the outcome you expect...
until you fall
and in your misery you try
to see what you did wrong
can it be the simple truth
that you will never sing that song?
that you will never dance that dance?
nor ever skip with joy
you'll never taste accomplishment
that others so enjoy
that with so much vigour
you attempt in vein
is meant for greater men than you
you should not try again
the clock hands slowly turning still
give more heart wrenching ticks
with every second increases
the feeling of reject
until they line up once again
with where they were before
the time has come around for you
to try again once more
to sit is restlessness endured
to pick up jump and run
to give your all and more, and know
its failure that you have undone
that doesnt have a name, but i would quite like to know what it made the reader think or feel or whatever
ok, dont be put off by the heavy handed beginning of this one, it gets easier to read about half way down.
Code:
this poem is called "poetry".
Supposing surreptitiously stupefying suppositions
succinctly similar since such is seen so
situated slyly suggests, although affluent applies,
all acronyms, anagrams, and anachronisms affect auspiciously
alluding to the tongue tied position proposed,
that of which I do not know what alliteration is.
i merely noted that I didn't spot allot.
what was not forgot, was what ought not
be referred to as by me, assonance. however, i will.
for while you call that repetition,
i refuse to call it repetition,
because to allude to repetition,
repetition must be placed.
and what you call this repetition
what you refer to as repetition
bears no mark of repetition
as does the last eight.
and now its time perhaps
to rhyme
relax unto your asinine behind
collapse
and than you’ll find
your mind will relapse back
to when it shined.
To when you knew
That I am capable of rhyme.
and now its time to end my verse
for pressures so much more perverse
are threatening, with shaking fist
to take my words and with a twist
extract the meaning here within
commit the everlasting sin
to talk about a sunny meadow
and rhyme the bloody word with shadow
and yet continue on I must
to stop you thinking this is just
a rambling rhyme purpose opposed
when actual fact youll find proposed
deep within the textual prose
and yet right underneath your nose
and as you read beneath your nose
you’ll find the proposition grows
the proposition I propose
shall reveal that he who knows
or she, for you can never know
the person who is reading prose
with purpose evermore supposed
that things are not beyond my grasp
“which things?” you dutifully ask
and I reply,
assonance, alliteration, repetition and rhyme.
__________________
"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"
Last edited by Amon rA : 2005-09-30 at 13:33.
|
2005-09-30, 13:36
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
I have to confess that I skimmed the first one a couple times over the past few days and couldn't get a grip on it at all. Today I read through both. The first one had a slow beginning and seemed to not make a whole lot of sense to me, but once I got past the single line it came together. It really gave me horrible self-defeatist ideas of giving up dreams until I got to the end and then the rainbow appearred. I went back and reread it from the beginning and could see more of the setting being laid out for the rest of the piece then.
The second piece was awesome. I totally loved the Shel Silverstein-esque manner you wrote it in and some of it made me laugh. I can't gripe about it at all. It was wonderful. Now if you can recite it all in one breath with his vocal flucuations you'll be all set.
Sorry it took so long for my brain to function. You need to write more often.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
2005-09-30, 14:17
|
|
Senior Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 472
|
|
thanks for the reply.
so the first poem kind of worked, it was supposed to instill hope in the reader. perhaps i ought to tell people to read it twice.
i've had a few people tell me that the second one is overdone. i must admit its a little confusing in places, even to me.
who is Shel Silverstein?
__________________
"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"
|
2005-09-30, 14:50
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
Oh God bless you! Have you ever heard of the books "Where the Sidewalk Ends" or "The Giving Tree" ? He was a teacher and poet and wrote really great pieces. No subject was taboo. He did plays on words and long sentences sometimes like you did in the second piece. "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Who Wouldn't Take the Garbage Out" was what I thought of there. Dr. Demento used to play a recording of Shel reading it so it might be on one of the anniversary cd's on a music downloading site. It's worth it to here how animated his voice is. These are the words: http://www.banned-width.com/shel/works/sarah.html
Shel also did an album called "Freakin' at the Freaker's Ball" which was a party album of his poetry. Quite funny.
He did a really short piece that I love called "Someone Ate the Baby."
Someone ate the baby
It's perfectly clear
Someone ate the baby
Baby isn't here
How could you not love a writer as warped as that?
As far as asking people to read your top piece twice, it's probably just me. Sometimes my comprehension of things is bad unless it's really point blank obvious so don't think too much about my comment. That's just me and maybe no one else.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
2005-09-30, 16:22
|
|
Quantum.
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
|
|
Pleasent reading, and thought provoking; two markers of many great metalsongs. You've got potential. Find some musicians and give it a shot.
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|