I found this on another fourm website. Its big bashup on Metallica, im a pretty big fan, but i have to say that this is pretty funny:


Marseilles, France (AP) Legendary heavy metal band Metallica has been secretely working on their ninth studio album in this working-class French city. "A lot of fans think we've just been jerking around," says frontman James Hetfield, "but we've been at it". The band has been recording in Merde, a studio owned by a friend of producer Bob Rock. Why France? "It's quieter here. We can hear the metal better," says drummer Lars Ulrich.

So are you ready for the title of their next opus? "We decided to call it 'Almost Finished', since we're almost finished with it," joked new bass player Rob Trujillo. This is Trujillo's first time recording a Metallica album, and he loves the process. "I love the road, playing for the crowds, but there's something about the studio experience... It's like giving birth or something, without all the pain and blood and stitches."

The real title, "The Man Within Me", might raise a few eyebrows from the metal community. Is there any truth to the rumor that it's related to producer Bob Rock's recent admission that he was gay?

"Hell, no!" says Hetfield. "If that were the case, we'd call it 'Coming Out' or something like that. Sure, Bob's gay and we've all accepted it. I think that's why he calls himself Bob, because he likes to Bob, up and down."

Ever the jokesters, Metallica has taken a lot of criticism from 2003's "St. Anger", an album which energized their sound in new ways, but alienated many old fans. So is "The Man Inside Me" nothing more than "St. Anger 2"?

"This album is so ****ing different from Anger," claims Ulrich. For example, on St. Anger, people loved the way I played open snare. On this album, I opened up the kick drum, too. You know how it usually sounds like "boom, boom, boom"? Now it's like, more of a whoomple sound. With the open snare, it's great. "Whoomple, ping, whoomple, ping," he says, while air drumming to get his point acrosss.

And what about new bass man Trujillo? "I'm totally into 'Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas', so I wanted to reproduce that sound." Does playing a metal washtub, broom handle, and string feel somewhat less than metal? "****, NO!" yells Trujillo, before adding that it might be hard to take his washtub bass on tour with him.

Another criticism of St. Anger was the lack of guitar solos. Guess what? According to lead guitarist Kirk Hammett, they won't be coming back. "I did a lot of whistling on this album," says Hammett. "Actually, when you whistle with a wah-wah set up, it sounds very metal."

Songs to watch for: the title track and the song "...And Neither Do We", a take-off on the famous quote by George W. Bush where he mistakingly says about America's enemies, "They never stop looking for new ways to harm our country, and neither do we."

Singer Hetfield calls this album his "Thriller", referring to the classic disk by Michael Jackson that set records for sales. Whether "The Man Inside Me" will reach those heights, only the public can say.

COMPLETE TRACK LISTING - Release date September 29, 2005

1. The Man Inside Me
2. Hangover
3. ...And Neither Do We
4. Shuckin' and Jivin'
5. Mama Said II
6. The Unlistened To
7. Whoa, Yeah Yeah
8. Broken Contract
9. The Pwn Within
10. P2P (Instrumental)
11. See Ya!

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That's funny 'cause it's probably true!!!!

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I absolutely must buy this album for hilarity purposes only. This is seriously one of the funniest things Ive heard in a while. I like how theyre trying to be HILARIOUS with 'P2P' but actually just sound like idiots.

Buuuuuuuut I dare say I wont pass any judgement till I hear it. Not as if Im expecting ANYTHING though.

That's even funnier 'cause people think it's for real

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Hahahha
Whistling with a wah wah. Sounds pretty metal!

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Oh my god. This has to be a joke.

No shit Sherlock!
Apart from the obvious give aways! Everyone knows it takes Metallica years to get off their fat arses and write and record a new album, during which time Lars becomes even more of an annoying cock, James changes his facial hair and sulks because loud amps hurt his ears or something! A counsellor will be hired to coax the wah away from Kirk and hopefully Rob will see sense and rejoin Suicidal! At which point people realise that in fact Bob Rock now plays all the instruments on the recordings! Then a film of the 'making of' will be released to cash in, where another ex-member will blub for the camera

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ha ha, i guess i should have read it all more closely before i posted that But seriusly, i wouldn`t be suprised if the track listing on their next album looks similiare to this.

I wouldn't be surprised if the recording process was like this, hence my first post

Mind you I wouldn't be surprised by anything Metallica do to further grease their passage up their own arses!

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4. Shuckin' and Jivin'

harharhar!

That's sooo funny!

haha, that's an excellent post!

So bob rock is gay or no?

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Gold.

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Metcallica enjoys the odd anal sex party with large breasted men and circumcised horses.

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Yes. He came out of the closet years ago, and openly admitted his homosexuality.

(Guess that's why Metallica has blown since the Black album!!!! )

Cheers.

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the new metallica track names suck balls.

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They're fake.

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I still think metallica suck.. they shoulda gave up... Death should be the band who should receive the same credit as Metallica for musical genius.

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It is so painfully obvious that this is fake, that anyone who even for a moment thought it was real should do me a favor, save me a bullet, and shoot themselves.

(shoots self)

I didnt think it was real, but why shouldnt people think so when the st anger album contained titles as Some kind of monster, Shoot me again (I aint dead yet), Invisible kid and Dirty window? Metallica has gone straight down and will probably continiue in the same direction.

By the way, the best review ever:

The lowest of the low - 4%
Written by OSheaman on July 24th, 2003


I never thought I would do this, but this album is worse than anything In Shits has ever made. It absolutely sucks the life out of you, and it doesn't fucking end, so the agony goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until you finally TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF.

Of course, Hetfield cannot possibly sing as poorly as Anders. Thank God for small favors. Every other instrument in the band, however, sucks the shit right out of your ass, even more so than In Flames. Kirk's lead guitar playing is nonexistent, kind of like the riffage--that's nonexistant, too. The bass playing is horrible; when you hear the riffs, they are stupid and mallcore, and when you don't, the entire band sounds like a pussy rock ballad. Jesus fucking Christ, I can't even think while I have this album playing, which is what I generally try to do when I write reviews. Did I mention that Lar$ has hit a whole new low with the fuking trashcan banging? I would rather this album didn't have any drum playing at all than listen to this shit over and over and over and . . . well, you get the point.

Frantic is shit. I don't quite understand why everyone calls this the best song on here. It sounds like Metallica borrowed the fucking drum machine from a Grindcore band, and the entire song is mallcore chunking, except for the balls-withering bass ditty. Hetfield's vocals make me want to fucking puke, especially when he starts going "MY LIFESTYLE . . . DETERMINES MY DEATHSTYLE MY LIFESTYLE . . . DETERMINES MY DEATHSTYLE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH *cue shitty guitar playing, then, in a pussy voice* Keeeeeep seeaarrchiiiiinnn' . . . Keeeeep oonnnn seeearrchiinnnnnnn' (added to pussy harmony). God damn it, this song makes me sick. It is unmelodic, and their little pissed off act just makes me pissed that I actually bought this album. SHIT, he's doing that fucking chorus again; I'm going to the next song.

St. Anger. Well, at least we were forewarned about this one. Why doesn't Metallica fucking get that BASS SOLOS ARE LAME? And then Lar$ comes in with his loud-as-shit trashcan drumming, and WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE GUITARS? I CAN'T FIND THE GUITARS ANYWHERE IN THE SONG? Oh, God, and then Hetfield starts singing and it brings me straight back to that fucking Load country album, and then it suddenly thrusts you straight into a Linkin Park ripoff, featuring screechy vocals cut over with some MC screaming bullshit. And all the time, we get this DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG from Lar$, and then ANOTHER bass solo. How could you even finish this song? It's like taking 1:30 of "music" (in the most liberal sense of the word), and then repeating it until it's 7 1/2 minutes long. Jesus.

Some Kind of Monster starts out with this little pussy solo coming from an indeterminate instrument, and then we can ACTUALLY HEAR THE FEEDBACK from the production of the album as we listen. Note to reader: Bands that try to make microphone feeedback part of their song should be taken outside and shot. So anyway, we're at the 2:00 mark and I haven't heard anything I didn't hear in the first ten seconds. Hetfield finally comes in at 2:10 for about 10 seconds, then there's some more random ass guitar playing, then Hetfield again singing about God knows what. The highlight of this song is when Lar$ starts banging the shit out of what appears to be the empty water cooler bottle in his trashcan set, producing an effect not unlike that in the theme song of George of the Jungle, except the theme song is infinitely better. And did I mention that the production was shit? You can really tell in this song, and it confuses me, seeing as since Metallica sold out to make more money, why can't they seem to afford better production? Length: 8 minutes, 25 seconds. Don't even think about sitting through the entire song.

Dirty Window starts out with the fucking overwhelming drums and . . . wait for it . . . AN ACTUAL RIFF FROM THE GUITARS, which is promptly ass-raped by the fucking drums. Lord, these drums are really starting to get on my nerves. And what the fuck happens at 1:40? It sounds like Lar$ starts beating his drumsticks together, while Hetfield sings the same thing over and over and . . . yeah, I'm not going to do that again. Once again, we have a song that is really about 45 seconds long that is instead 5:24. God help us all, he's singing that part about judge, jury and executioner again. Ooh, and now he's finding all the words in the English language that end in -er! Hey James, how about the fact that there is nothing shittiER than this album?

Invisible Kid starts out with a guitar riff that could have been halfway decent if it weren't for the fucking drums. Jesus Christ, why is Lar$ doing this to the band? How can he sleep at night knowing that he's driving the entire fucking world insane with this kettle drum nonsense. And what is Hetfield singing about? An invisible kid, who has a place of his own and . . . suspicious of your touch? James, are you a pedophile or something? God, shut up, you fucking pervert. You and Gary Glitter both, you damn twat. And this song is, of couse, 8 1/2 FUCKING MINUTES LONG. It's like this album is our punishment from God for continuing to give Metallica money.

My World starts with that damn monkey beating, which quickly progresses into a riff that they've been playing under the trashcans the entire album, except now the trashcans are still doing the monkey beat, so you can actually hear it. Oh, and now we're at the chorus. No, James, this is OUR world, and we're telling you to get the fuck out NOW. This is a masterpiece. The song is roughly 15 seconds of shit pushed into 5:45 of unforgivable fetid shit piles. After having heard the chorus for the third time in approximately 30 seconds, I am going to go ahead and skip the rest of this motherfucker of a song.

UltraBoris is right. Shoot Me Again is the worst thing mankind has ever done, barely beating out the Inquisition, the Ku Klux Klan and the Holocaust. (If the preceding sentence pisses you off, I apologize, but it's because this song is REALLY PISSING ME OFF and I need to review it quickly so I can get to the next goddamn song. Simply put, this is the worst piece of shit ever. Ever. EVER. It's Linkin Park plus some really weird harmony, but mostly it's just a complete whoring of Linkin Park. I'm serious; steal your little brother's copy of Hybrid Theory, and listen to Crawling, and then listen to this. Can YOU tell the difference? I sure as fuck again. And of course, there's the goddamn trashcan drumming, on top of which is Hetfield saying "Shoot Me Again" approximately 5000000000000000000000000000 times, because he really isn't fucking dead yet, as I'm sure you've gathered by now. This motherfucking turd lasts 7:10, and just so you don't miss this point in case you're skimming the album, this is the WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER WORST SONG EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Lord, please take me now.

Sweet Amber is next, and next to Shoot Me Again it sounds like Hallowed Be Thy Name, which is, of course, the BEST FUCKING SONG IN ALL OF METAL. The song is still dog shit, but it's nowhere near the turd capacity of Shoot Me Again. Hetfield's vocals are whiny and sound like Britney Spears + Muted Riffs + Trashcan Drumming from Sir Lar$. And Good Lord, it's that damn feedback sound again, coming back to piss me off again. What did Metallica say about this album again? That it was a "return to their roots"? Wow. They must not even listen to Ride the Lighning, because the only thing this is a return to is the sound a cow makes when you stick a cucumber up its ass (don't ask). OK, so it's been four minutes already and I'm getting sick of the repitition, so we're off to the next song.

The Unnamed Feeling. What a stupid title. I'm sure somebody's already made this joke, but that unnamed feeling is what you feel when you are forced to listen to this abortion, and I'm naming it right now. If I were Metallica, I would've named this song The Unproduced Garage Song, because the shitty production shines through once again. This album is really giving me a headache, and James's vocals are mostly to blame, because it this point my brain, being the amazing brain that it is, has completely tuned out Lar$'s atrocious drumming. So we're left with Hetfield's indescribably bad singing. I swear, there's gotta be something for whatever problem he has. Anyway, this song gets my vote for Most Superficial Song of the Album, because it features Hetfield singing about all these problems he thinks he has, instead of singing about his real problems, such as the fact that HE SUCKS ASS. For more of this style of lyrics, listen to [Insert Linkin Park Song Here].

Purify is next, and I'll be damned! It sounds the same as all the other songs on here! This highlights another Metallica problem; namely, the fact that they can't seem to make distinguishable songs, except for Shoot Me Again, of course, which is far too distinguishable. God, and now I can hear Lar$ again, as he seems to have gone back to banging on that fucking water cooler bottle. And the beat . . . God, it';s like listening to Grindcore, except that Agoraphobic Nosebleed is so much more listenable, as they have the decency to have the motherfucking drum machine cover up everything else. Just when you thought life couldn't suck any worse, Hetfield starts singing again, and he makes an honest effort to sound like a real vocalist. He fails miserably, of course, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

The end is near, but not before Metallica hits you with the longest song on this damn album: All Within My Hands. Lar$ appears to have actually lost his drumset here, because he has given up trying to play on anything else except that water canister. Which is just as well, because it partially covers up the fact that the guitars can't really think of anything to play and Hetfield has gone back to his stupid country voice. Ooh, here's the chorus: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!! (repeat) THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!! Fantastic stuff right there. Jesus, this is almost 9 minutes long? We're talking Dream Theater material now, except of course for the looming fact that Dream Theater actually knows how to play their instruments, whereas Metallica long ago forgot how to play anything besides the P.R. Game. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!!

Oh, my God. The album is finally fucking over, about 34 years after it began. I just ran a motherfucking marathon, and I got the shit kicked out of me in the process . . . no, wait, I'm just thinking of things I would rather have done than listen to this album. I wil never again be forced to listen to this piece of dog fucker, and fortunately Hetfield says "Fuck" enough times to keep it off the damn radio (not that I listen to radio anymore, anyway). May this band forever rot in the fiery cores of the lowest layer of the abyss spawning the depths of hell. God damn them and everybody associated with them who had anything to do with taking an ass-kicking thrash band and turning it into this corporate monstrosity epitomized in this endless piece of filth. God damn them all.

And don't buy this album.

LMMFAO!!!!! That has to be the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life!!!! Not to mention, 100% truth. Kudo's to the author, and I hope beyond hope that Lar$ (lol) got to read a copy of it...I might just copy and paste it on their message board!!!!!

Cheers!



edit: nope, couldn't resist...it's on the Metallica site under "St Anger, your thoughts"...lmao

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