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2005-07-27, 03:18
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 546
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Ethereal Resurrection
Here's a lyric i was working on for my band. Construtive Criticizim(sp?) please!
Buried in my derogatory grave
You’re killing me and how I love it
Dead to nothingness
My body claimed to eternity
No soul to move on
Dead beyond death
I’ve crossed into the other world
Nothing but rotting dead.
Calling me…
I hear six six six
Crying on for the dead
Nothing good came from it
Ethereal resurrection
Vital flesh turned cold
Violent purification
Mischievous Dead
Dead smiles to idolize
Let our bodies rain on this earth
Let our blood fill these waters
Look me in the eyes
Take my pain and make it
Your Burden!
CHORUS
Nothing left but the embalmed
Claustrophobic dead
Buried 6 feet deep in your crate
I see my pain in your eyes
It turns to pleasure in my mind
Guide me with your dead eyes
Just let me see more
Just kill it all
I want this on my hands
Sacrificed my life for this
Some call it a waist
its devotion
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2005-07-27, 04:40
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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The "six six six" makes it horribly cheesy. And you say "dead" too much.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-07-27, 06:23
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 546
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Thanks! i appreciate that!
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2005-07-27, 07:19
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Brisbane, Australia.
Posts: 1,023
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It's very cool, although seems a bit disjointed, like the time in this lyric has gone topsy-turvy. How can a grave be derogatory? The use of the word "dead" kills me a tiny bit, otherwise it's awesome!
__________________
I <3 12 year olds.
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2005-07-27, 12:26
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I agree there's too many "deads," but the song sounds pretty good. I'm rewriting a little bit that you can take or leave if you want. The rest wasn't bad and I think where "dead" is in certain places it's fine and adds to the feel, but if it's there too much it just becomes monotonous. I tried to keep within what you were trying to say, but sometimes the syllabul count isn't the same. the 6-6-6 part I could take or leave. There's enough in the piece to show it's "evilly" without it, but that's up to you.
Buried in my derogatory grave
You’re killing me and how I love it
Erased to nothingness
My body claimed to eternity
No soul to move on
Dead beyond death
I’ve crossed into the other world
Nothing but the rotting departed.
Violent purification
Mischievous Dead
Inaniimate smiles to idolize
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-07-27, 20:23
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 546
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Hey, i like that alot, thanks guys!
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2005-07-28, 00:48
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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You're very welcome 
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-08-18, 21:01
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 143
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I agree that you mention dead a lot of time, but despite that it is some marvelous lyrics. are you going to use them?
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