Untitled and based on facts. I'm not sure if I mentioned this recent inciident or not, but this was written about a friend of Denny's.

The day began on a bright note
Someone loved her and she loved them
No indictation that there was something wrong
Or the tragedy to come

She dropped him off at his new job
It seemed like a fresh new start
But she didn't go straight home
That's what she should have done

Instead she went down to the Lake
And shed every stitch of clothes
Ran into the water, fists in the air
Screaming, hoping the water would take her
(spoken) But it just wasn't to be

(Chorus)
How many years had she been in pain
Why did it end now
Was there something more that troubled her
I doubt we'll ever know

She got into her car and headed south
As the guards came down for the train
Waiting behind the other cars, just a few back
What was she thinking at the time

She pulled out from the line, the other drivers said
And she gunned it doing about 60 or so
Straight behind the engines
The engineers didn't even know

A few miles down the rail they got the word
They stopped the train as soon as they could
But what was left was a mangled mess
In the middle of that afternoon

Horrified when he heard the news
He just couldn't make sense of it
Trying to find the signs in hindsight
That he might have missed

One day as he was thinking about her
He remembered her saying one thing
She said, "My father is Satan"
But she never told him why

When the friends had all gathered
To memorialize her life
They noticed one person missing
He never came to tell her goodbye

(Chorus)
What had he done to hurt her
She's taken it to her grave
Such a sad state when sorrow happens
So sad that it ended this way

(Break)
Twenty-five are not too many years
To be alive on this planet we're on
If she'd only reached out just a little more
If she'd been told tomorrow wouldn't be the same

(Chorus)
What had he done to hurt her
She's taken it to her grave
Such a sad state when sorrow happens
So sad that it ended this way

BJH
7/11/2005



Sorry for all the broke-up posts.

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First, untitled is a crappy title. Second, are you saying your songs are better than everyone elses by using 4 posts?



You told me about this the day it happened. It's crazy what young people do. I don't know if she was a close friend of yours or not, but my condolences to you and yours.

Now about the piece in itself. Some lines seem a little forced in their timing, but I can put that aside because your telling a story. Who wasn't at the funeral? Her dad? I'm unsure to that part too.

Overall it was a very heartfelt piece and I hate to pick it apart like this.

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No, I didn't know her, but her b/f thinks of Denny as his dad. His is an ass. I guess hers was, too. Yeah, it was her dad that didn't show up.
It's pretty much a rough outline right now, but I've been wanting to do something about it (<--guess what I just did) so I got down the ideas. I may work on it later or if anyone has any idea that don't stray from what I've said I'm open for suggestions. I'm waiting to verify her name before I start adding a title.

Thanks for all the "constructive" comments, Tullievox.

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Not a problem. When's spaghetti again?

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Actually tonight!!! And no special ingredient.

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You didn't invite me?

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No, I'm still trying to clean off the spag scooper. I'll probably have to get a new one.

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whats all this spaghetti talk?

anyways it was one of the few pieces ive ever read on here, so that means it caught my attention. i cant hear that as a song or poetry, more of just a story with short sentences!

clarify who didnt show up, because as soon as i read that i was puzzled. apparnetly so was tulvox

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The spag thing was in another thread. He's like an elephant and never forgets anything.


I said in the reply to Tul' that it was her dad that didn't show up. It's okay. I don't mind repeating it. It has somewhat of a flow in my head. It's sort of ballad sounding like Arlo Guthrie's more mellow tunes. Probably slow and acoustic. I may touch it up like I said.

May I ask what caught your attention about it? You should stop around more often. There's some good stuff here.

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well i usually go into the lyric pieces, i just dont stay with them. and back out of the page. honestly, some of them are just boring to me. i wanted to see where this went though

and i know, you told him it was her dad that didnt show up. i was just reiterating that that part in the piece could or could not be clarified

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Elephunks are very well endowed

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Oh okay, I misunderstood that question. I'm sorry. Yeah, maybe that's one of the things I need to change so it doesn't seem like it was her b/f. I'm glad you brought that up. Thanks.

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absolutely, post a revision?

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