|
2005-07-05, 23:26
|
 |
Lo, they do call to me...
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
|
|
|
unnamed
this is the lyrical beginnings of my next masterpiece.
your sordid voice haunts my every dream
memories of what never should have been
blinded by what seemed to be right at the time
taking advantage of your love-stricken mind
torment on your lips
and love-stains on your hands
disgrace your loves embrace
to face this broken man
your suicide tongue
touched my callous heart
'twas wrong of me to start
now it rips my sould apart
fiendish desires of this
horrid beast-like wretch
put on a fake smile
to hide the horrid stench
of my rotting soul
and cadaverous heart
__________________
Too grim to function
|
|
2005-07-06, 00:34
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Aww, did you try to write a piece for me??? I'm teasing. I thought the start was strong and the second part wasn't too bad until it got to the last few lines. It sounded like you were grabbing for descriptive words a little too much and it made it sound forced. However I think if you added more to this after that it might soften that a little bit and balance it.
I think it's a pretty good start. Keep going with it.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2005-07-06, 08:37
|
|
Lo, they do call to me...
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Aww, did you try to write a piece for me??? I'm teasing. I thought the start was strong and the second part wasn't too bad until it got to the last few lines. It sounded like you were grabbing for descriptive words a little too much and it made it sound forced. However I think if you added more to this after that it might soften that a little bit and balance it.
I think it's a pretty good start. Keep going with it.
|
thank ya, mum, this is just the beginning, this is going to be one of those 10-15 minute opeth-esque opuses
__________________
Too grim to function
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
