this is the lyrical beginnings of my next masterpiece.

your sordid voice haunts my every dream
memories of what never should have been
blinded by what seemed to be right at the time
taking advantage of your love-stricken mind
torment on your lips
and love-stains on your hands
disgrace your loves embrace
to face this broken man

your suicide tongue
touched my callous heart
'twas wrong of me to start
now it rips my sould apart
fiendish desires of this
horrid beast-like wretch
put on a fake smile
to hide the horrid stench
of my rotting soul
and cadaverous heart

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Aww, did you try to write a piece for me??? I'm teasing. I thought the start was strong and the second part wasn't too bad until it got to the last few lines. It sounded like you were grabbing for descriptive words a little too much and it made it sound forced. However I think if you added more to this after that it might soften that a little bit and balance it.
I think it's a pretty good start. Keep going with it.

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thank ya, mum, this is just the beginning, this is going to be one of those 10-15 minute opeth-esque opuses

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