Waking up in a motel of ivory and frostbite
Thoughts quenched ,ice cube butterfly
Eyes drenched,though there is nothing left to cry for
There is choloform on your breathe,liquor in your heart
An abundance on tap
The washcloth watches over you...

Welcome to my kingdom
Now look upon my throne
You will face your fate as I did
Destiny of dying alone

I will make you recite my words as you look upon your winter
Forgiveness is not in negotiation and volume does nothing for your blessings
Betwixt my inferno I am observing,laughing,ejaculating
But I know I am here to comfort and nurture
Holding your hair back,my hand across your skin

Noew you are growing more of a victim to decay
Maggots are not very sexy but maintain an attractive way
I have gone to great lengths,I dread the day of your disposal
But eventually we all get thrown away

Don't even bother to ever walk again,I will carry you to your fate



These are the first lyrics I have ever written like these.The only reason I wrote them is for the gore metal band I am in and I kinda got chosen to write some lyrics because of other type of songs I write.So this was my first stab at this type of subject,do i have something here?

I read this a while back, but I just couldn't get into it. I think you've got a lot of ideas here, but it seems like it doesn't have a common thread in it. the first 2 parts had some decent imagery in them and the second part would be a good repetitive part. Not necessarily a chorus, but something to be repeated later on again.
Get rid of "betwixt." It doesn't work at all. It sounds like you're trying too hard to create a mood and there's really nothing to back up the usage of the word.
The last line I think I'd either change or leave out completely. If the person's dead and maggot infested I don't think they're going to walk anywhere. It doesn't have a living dead idea so I wouldn't use that.
Sorry it took so long for me to post about this.

You do have some good things going on as far as developing your imagery so I think you should keep writing to hone your skills. And read some lyrics that some of your favorite bands have done. You may pick up some flow ideas. When you reread your piece think of it as someone reading it for the first time and see how it flows in both the imagery and storyline. That might help you tighten it up. We can help with ideas, too.

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