It's that time of the cricket callender again: England v Australia!

If you don't like cricket, fuck off. If your not open to other people liking cricket, fuck off. If you want to bash cricket, fuck off. All of these things can be done elsewhere at anti-cricket websites, so fuck off to them instead of sullying my thread.

Now...

England have drawn first and second blood within the last week, beating Australia in the first ever Twenty20 international and beating them again in the first one day international of the series. The Aussies looked a little rusty but I'm sure they'll be at the peak of their powers by the time the first test starts in July.

England have been bolstered by the form of Kevin Pietersen who completely dismantled Jason Gillespie to bludgeon 91 runs off 65 balls. I thought it was going to be close but thanks to Pietersen England strolled home with more than two overs to spare. Great performance!

Rest assured that Australia will be like a wounded animal and bounce right back. They haven't lost an Ashes series for 15 years so they'll be eager to extend that for another two years.

I can't wait for the tests to begin: the two best teams in the world fighting for the right to hold the Ashes for the next two years is truly mouthwatering. Should be a fascinating summer for cricket lovers!

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Australia are going down.

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I hope so - we've got a better chance this year than at any other time in the past 15 years. For once we have a feared bowling attack of Harmison, Hoggard, Jones and Flintoff that can finally put a bomb under the Aussie batsmen. Our batting has much more depth these days too, especially if the test selectors wake up and give Pietersen a starting place.

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I'm kinda worried. Australia losing to Bangladesh. erk.

I keep telling myself that ODI's are very different to Test Cricket.

Well, they are! I'm not reading anything into the results from the past week - Australia will be a very different beast by the time the real scrap begins in the tests. Before this week they hadn't played any cricket for 7 weeks so they were bound to be a little rusty.

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Yeah. Well, Gilchrist seems to play Test Match Cricket like ODI's, maybe he's a little confused there.

Australia hasn't had any real competition in Test Cricket for awhile now, even India weren't much of a match. I'm kind of in the dark about England, I don't know much about their team. I obviously know of Harmison (is he still out of form? I hope so) and Flintoff. Quite keen to see how it pans out - hopefully Hayden can hit peak form also. May be his last chance.

That's a good point. In fact, I guess Australia play tests like ODIs anyway, considering that they usually rattle along at over 4 an over for most of the time they are batting in tests.



Harmison took 5 wickets today, removing the top four batsmen (Gilchrist, Hayden, Ponting and Martyn). But like I said, I'm not holding ODI perfomances with too much regard at the moment. In the tests against Bangladesh last month, he seemed a little off the pace though.

Other players to watch out for are the openers (Strauss and Trescothick), Vaughan and the wicketkeeper, Geraint Jones. Jones is in the Gilchrist mould in that he likes to bat quite flamboyantly. Obviously he's not as good as Gilchrist in 'keeping or batting but he's about as good a batsman/wicketkeeper that England has.

Another one to watch out for is Kevin Pietersen - this fella hits the ball as hard, if not harder than Flintoff. He hit 4 sixes today and they were trully mammothian in stature. The only problem for England is that the test selectors are inexpicably reluctant to give him a chance at test level. He didn't even get a call up against Bangladesh, which I thought was ridiculous - what better introduction to test cricket than against a gang of no-hopers?

It's hard to single out an Australian that I am particularly worried about because all eleven are so damn good! McGrath, Lee, Warne, Ponting, Hayden, Gilchrist...

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Yeah, even since Bevan left International Cricket (he now plays for Tasmania and has a record of 10 consectutive centuries - silly move dumping him) we haven't really had a batsman that likes to score 100 from 200+ balls too often. Gilchrist for example. 100 from 60 in a test match. That's just ridiculous. Ponting is about as calm as it gets.

Oh of course, Vaughan, Strauss and Trescothick. How the hell did I forget those guys. Strauss is quite simply amazing. Very reliable player.

I heard about Pietersen being a great hit of the ball. I agree with you there, not calling him up for Bangladesh is a bit stupid. But I guess you don't want an inexperienced player (unless I've got my info wrong?) playing in The Ashes against one of the best teams in history. After his form in the ODI, I'm guessing he'll be included?

I wouldn't worry too much about Lee. He's fast, but that comes at a price - he is very expensive. But Warne and McGrath.. haha. Warne's favourite team, England is! Ponting is in tip-top shape still, Hayden hasn't had a good run since 2002. Gilchrist is definitely one to watch. Clarke has lost his touch.

...this series will be close.

Yeah, it will - the closest for a good few years.

I think Lee will be more destructive against the tail whereas it'll be McGrath, Warne, Gillespie that will focus on the upper and middle order. We are still getting shown *that* ball from Warne to Mike Gatting!

Re Pietersen: you'd think he'd be included but we're talking about the England test selection committee here - common sence doesn't usually prevail! Which makes our rise up the test rankings even more remarkable!

Ah, Bevan. Now there's a player! I used to love watching his one day innings - I think his average was something like 65!

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hahahaha

That would make sense. Straight and low and bloody fast from about #8 down.

Many things cricket.

1. When we need wickets, why push all the fieldsmen back? No fucking slip to a tailender who you need to dismiss to win? Ricky Ponting = a bit slow.

2. What the FUCK is with youse guys batting order? Isn't it all a bit weird?

3. When was the last time we played a game of cricket? "A bit rusty" is an understatement. Things went creak fart blerch thump.

4. Bangladesh were great. I was amused. They're all so happy now.

5. Pietersen has very annoying hair. His head looks like a rogue skunk carved from a block of spam.

6. That fucking catch... seriously impressed. God, you clowns looked sharp all day! What happened to that old deadbeat aura of lose-a-bility you used to have?

7. Your cricketers are all really very ugly. Harmison looks like a rogue ape. Flintoff looks like a lager lout post-beating with a lump of reinforced concrete. Vaughan has a face pinched so far together you couldn't separate his eyes with a micrometer. And that Lewis character! Last time I saw a nose like that, it was on the bow of an icebreaker in Tierra del Fuego. It looks like it was borrowed from a costume shop. All in all, they are even uglier than ours. We should keep these men in cages.

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I forgot something - I FUCKING HATE 20/20 CRICKET. It is a stupid shitty sensationlist little perversion. Grr. Fuckbox.

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3 of them being off 4 balls.

It was a bit depressing watching Gillespie bowl his last couple of overs and seing Pietersen score somewhat in the region of 17 an over.

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im not into cricket that much......infact i only watch the matches which India is playing


bangladesh beat australia.......hahaha

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All I can say is that they'll build up the series heaps, making everyone think Australia is finally going to lose, only for us to thrash you silly Poms yet again.

And now is the time that Clarke needs to step up and show what a player he can potentially be....

Sorry, I have not paid too much attention to the English side, yet I know what Vaughn's capable of.

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1. I agree, not quite in Steve Waugh's class as captain.

2. Weird? It's fucked! Solanki (an opener in county cricket) bats at 8; Strauss (a bloody top class opener) had been batting at 4 until recently; Collingwood (an expert at the death) batted at 4 on Sunday; Flintoff and Pietersen bat at 5 and 6 respectively and should be batting at 4 and 5. Very puzzling, indeed.

3. Seven weeks is a very long time in international cricket.

4. Not as amused as I was

5. Haha, very true!

6. Collingwood is awesome in the field. Missed a dolly (well, in comparison) later on in the innings though. Our upturn in fortunes and mental attitude is entirely down to one factor: we fucked off English an English head coach and replaced him with a Zimbabwean!

7. Thank the Heavens Lewis won't get a look in during the tests!

Tim: you might know a few more names after this summer. We might not win, but you'll be imperessed at some of the guys we have playing now (Strauss, Trescothick, Harmison, Flintoff, Pietersen, etc).

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Well, England reverted to type this week and surrendered meekly against the Aussies! But we beat Bangladesh today to guarantee our place in the final so we'll see you Aussies there.

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I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
Is cricket a rough sport? Meaning are there wicked injuries like Rugby and stuff?

I saw some guys face in a news article last year....was Rugby I think where half of his face got almost kicked off.....was all torn and sagging and bloody...and he's standing there on the field like a badass. I was very impressed.

Here in the US everyone thinks NFL is the shit.....but all the pads and helmet pale in comparrison to some of the sports you guys play.

You Yankee pillock. You haven't the first aardvark-molesting idea how cricket is played? What kind of former colonial are you?

Suffice to say, cricket is NOT rough unless you get hit in a soft spot by the dangerously hard ball travelling at 90 miles an hour (look, I even converted to Imperial).

I'm not explaining Cricket 101. It's a complicated story. But! Cricket was invented by English goons who wanted a game that would allow them to vegetate and drink themselves into a pink gin stupor over the course of five entire days, which is how long a match often takes.

Now Google it and find out what the rest of the world does for fun.

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heh heh....cool
I will google it as you're correct...I should not expect a cricket 101 lesson from you guys.
The Yank comment stung a little bit...I'm a southern girl all the way but know where you're comming from saying that.
Also....my entire family came to the US in 1903 from Cardiff Wales.....am I still a "former colonial"?

CRICKET?? All it is, is an English pastime of watching then on the grass while drinking some tea....(You'll know if you've seen the "British Airways" commerical)....

No, no - we drink lager all day.

Did anybody see the triangular series final yesterday? And people say cricket is boring! Edge of the seat stuff with England snatching a draw off the last ball of the innings. In days gone by England would have won by virtue of losing fewer wickets than Australia, but inexplicably this was not the case yesterday and so the game was tied.

Next up is a three match ODI series against the Aussies next week and then the tests begin later this month.

*Rubs hands*

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That could have possibly been the legendary AFL player, James Hird. A god amongst men.

EDIT: So you're Welsh....... well that explains many things.

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Shush, snaggleteeth. We bowled well a bit, and y'all choked a bit. I didn't even watch after the woeful start to our innings.

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I didn't see the start either. Apparently that wasn't the bad part though - didn't they have a mid-order collapse? The ever-reliable Hussey hit above 50 though.

That's the thing with Australia. They have that many other competant players (this is relevant to Hussey) playing in regional games that are world-class, they could create another team composed of these players that'd be fit to take on most of the other teams in the world. Batsmen mainly, we'd be hurting if we lost, say, McGrath & Warne at the same time.

Should've seen the start to our innings! 33-5 (5-33 for you upside down people)! Our innings pretty much mirrored the Aussies' - early slump followed by a middle order revival and then a quick procession of wickets near the end.

I like the look of Hussey: he can bowl a bit, too - he took a wicket on Saturday. What happened to Ian Harvey? I know he's playing for Yorkshire, but the commentators always go on about how destructive a batter he is and it just makes me wonder why he doesn't figure in the one day team.

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Jesus. Hussey continues to impress. Australia never looked unsteady during their turn to bat, but Hussey hit Australia to a competitive score.

Only half-way through the match however.

I'm in work so I don't know the score yet. Just going to check ecb.co.uk for the score...

...hmm only 219-7. Well, I was saying "only 196" the other day so who knows. Australia (particularly Lee and McGrath) seem to have a hold over our top order so if they're all out cheaply again it could be another thriller.

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Yeah, apparently the average score on that ground is 200ish. I know 219 isn't TOO competitive, but there is so much movement on that pitch it isn't funny. If you ever watch a replay of the match, John, check out Clarke's dismissal. He was bowled out - amazing how much the ball deviated from its original line.

Sounds like Lee and McGrath will have a field day with our frightened rabbits.

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Yeah, the pitch is going balls. All your bowlers had to do was bang it on the right length to be scary... even Chumpy Gough had some balls that were sliding all over the place.

Prediction: those 30+ extras will most likely be your undoing.

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Going along nicely at 75-0. Looks like we might beat you! Emphasis on the 'might' part!

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yah. You guys'll win.

I'm reasonably confident of that but I wouldn't place money on it!

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Hoorah a breakthrough. Hopefully this'll slow them down.

Shit prediction. What a bloody rort.

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hahaha. Yes that was a miserable effort.

Die Flintoff.

That was a fucking terrible total. Fair enough, we were 45-4 at one point but for fuck's sake! Our tactics were wrong in the last 15 overs: we bided our time against the likes of Clarke and Symonds when we should have been taking them to the cleaners. It all just left us with too much to do against Lee and McGrath, who were never going to go for 10+ an over. Poor tactics.

Looks like our bowlers have to bail (no pun intended!) our batsmen out again. Vaughan is not a one day player. I believe his last 6 ODI innings have been 0, 0, 0, 59, 0 and 1 - pathetic to say the least - and his average doesn't even break the 30 barrier.

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Jesus, I didn't realise it was that bad, although I had noticed him getting a couple of ducks....

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Atleast Gillespie isn't in form. I was wondering what was going on with Clarke & Symonds (not terrific bowlers by nature) and their tidy bowling (or just reserved batting?). Flintoff should have smacked them out of the game.

I only tuned in just before Pietersen deflected the ball back onto the stumps. It was all on then, I was thinking you guys would be out for a total lower than you got. I wouldn't be too worried. Ponting is in bad shape, Gilchrist isn't in top form either, and Hayden isn't playing. It'll be a good chase, don't count yourselves out yet!

Well, I suck at this. Totally unpredictable.

These games are well hard to pick.

In the meantime, 20/20 cricket still sucks seven miles of impacted rectum.

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Twenty20 is very popular. Crowds are high and it seems to be raising the profile of cricket to somewhere where it used to be. It's sort of a 'gateway' to the 5 day game where people can learn the basics whilst being entertained before they try the subtleties of test cricket.

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That's an excellent point, John. However, it's still a hateful circus.

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Haha, I quite like it. Not a patch on test cricket, mind.

England are currently 93-6 with Pietersen and Solanki out in the middle (the only recognised batsmen left).

Looks like Solanki is on as a substitute for Giles. These new rules are utter shit - substitutes and 'power plays'. Power plays? Where the fuck are we, America?

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hmm, Pietersen is playing the way he should be. Not smacking shit all over the place. Amazing.

Once again - I suck at this. Just as soon as I mention something he hits 23473845789347 runs.

Oh well, Pietersen's gone. We'll struggle to 200 now.

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Running away with it. Bring on The Ashes.

If Trescothick makes 250 runs in the series I'll be amazed. He seems to be McGrath and Lee's little gimp at the moment.

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Finally gets underway today. Hoorah. Can't wait.

Actually, I can. I don't like watching a lot of Test Cricket. 2-3 hours at most, then I just wait for it to be aired on the news.

Test Cricket, more than any other sport, is merely an excuse to drink with the occasional moment of infinite sporting prowess mixed into it. Thus, it transcends time, culture and class and becomes a truly great thing.

... And something which I, too, obtain the final results from the news. Seems you have to get the right session.

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Well, after one innings he only has 246 runs to go in order to induce my amazement. I've never seen us be so afraid to come out and attack bowlers - we're waiting for bad balls that just don't come and as a result our run rate is ticking over nicely at roughly 3 runs per ice age.

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92/7? Good lord.

i bet the guys with the funny accents win.


ok, ill stop postin in ths thread. but i dont know what the hell youre all talking about anyways :P

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har.

Attached Images

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It's looking that way, Jarrod but Pietersen posted some fine resistance to give us a chance. Australia are currently on 67 for 2 in their second innings so it seems the rush of blood that characterised the first innings has been learnt from. Whether England will also learn from it remains to be seen.

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I'm actually expecting England to win. Pietersen is a fine player.

It looked as if Hayden would have another 100+ stand but NOOOOOO. He was looking great.

I'm surprised fewer didn't vote for the draw - there's forecasts of some quite heavy rain for London over the next couple of days. Having said that, it's probably going to be cracking the flags for the next week now!

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Balls to that. With wickets moving this quickly on that crazy pitch, I can't see any kind of draw unless atrocious cunty weather moves in for at least two days.

Oh, and Tom says Pietersen is a cunt. And, strangely enough, he went to school with the badger-haired cock-baiting little freak.

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Well, England have two-and-a-half-days to bat out in order to either avoid defeat or claim a record-breaking victory.

*Performs rain dance*

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We win balls. Some thoughts:

1. People who suck: Giles and Bell. They were crap. Vaughan and Flintoff were also particularly dismal with the bat.

2. At the end of the day, after all the silly media frivolities, you guys still field shittily under pressure. That more than any of the individual players caused big problems.

3. Your weather is evil and must be punished.

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Well, my rain dance didn't work and that poor virgin lass died for what turned out to be no reason at all. At least she died smiling.

Re point 2: I totally agree. Pietersen dropped three dollies in this match (including Clarke when he was on 21 - he made 91) while Jones, who has a pair of fucking gloves to help him, dropped two equally easy chances.

This without doubt contributed to our downfall but you've got to hand it to McGrath and Warne as they bowled superbly. I haven't seen Warne turn the ball like that for years. Fair enough, the pitch was a bit lethal but he was turning it without even having to hit the rough. Warne gets more turn and spin in one ball than Giles does in a whole match. Even though he was ripping us apart, he's still the best bowler in the world to watch.

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Geraint. What a fucking stupid name. Someone told me he was Australian. Is that true?

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He was born somewhere foreign (Wales?) and raised in Australia. He told all the dumbfuck Australians surrounding him to call him "Grant" because they couldn't pronounce his name. Played cricket here until about 8 years ago, I believe.

Yep, seems Warne is exposing old frailties in the English batting lineup. There was really little to distinguish their batting performance at Lord's from the years gone by ('cept for Pietersen). But no doubt their bowling has improved immensely.

Whichever gibbon at the ECB decided to include Lords on the itinery needs to be shot - we haven't beaten Australia there since the 1930's!

Yeah, Jones was born in Wales but lived in the land of Oz for most of his formative years as a cricketer. I guess he couldn't cut it (cricket-wise, too, I suspect) in state cricket so he shuftied over here.

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God, the British media is vicious. I was just farting around some of the gutter press... they're a real rabid pack of 24ct white-gold fuckers.

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I can't believe everyone is already placing bets on a 5-0 whitewash. I mean, how the fuck can you tell?

That kind of thing always happens after the first test when there's been a fair margin involved or one team has played particularly badly/well. Just people talking shit up.

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The people who planned this series really pigdicked England by starting at Lords. 5-0 bollocks. They'll be five completely different games, unless England descend into manifest and all-encompassing gayness and incompetence.

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Which could well happen.

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And starting in late July when the pitches are not too dissimilar to the pitches in Australia... It seems we've already bent over backwards to give you guys a headstart.

For England to do anything in this series we had to get a good result in the first test. We didn't and now we have a mountain to climb. Our only chance is to strike back immediately.

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Well, well, well. England seem to have discovered some balls. (And that sniper who took McGrath out in the warm up did a sterling job)

I'm amazed that we have a first innings lead - I thought Australia would hammer 500+ on that wicket but fair play to England, we bowled really well. Looks like this test will definitely yield a result and I have to say England are favourites at the moment but a few early wickets tomorrow could swing the balance of power. Engrossing stuff, indeed.

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Its not looking particuarly thrilling for England now [180-9] - although just now Flintoff has come good and he is into the good stuff!

Well, they are finished now [182-9].
Looks grim for Australia though, since aparently they have to score the highest 4th innings score.

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More thoughts:

1. The umpiring in the matches so far has been shite. Shit decisions have been going regularly both ways to both teams. I suppose that makes for some kind of consistency. But on the last ball? With the most unlikely victory since Orleans in sight? Two runs left? Cunts. Grr. Stupid "umpire's decision is final" bullshit.

2. Hooray, you can actually bat. While everyone will be rubbing Flintoff's ugly pole, I was most impressed by the form shown by one M. Trescothick. He was balls in the first innings.

3. Hoggard really needs his teeth fixed. He's hideous.

4. You're damn bloody well fucking lucky McGrath is injured. But it should make the series more exciting, really.

5. Gilchrist seems to be in a seriously deep spot of gay with the bat.

Big flapping puckered arseholes to the lot of you.

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Well fuck me dead, that was a ripper of a test match. Perhaps one of the best I've seen.

And video footage shows that Kasprowicsz was infact not out. But, the umpires decision is final, and I'm not too fussed. Despite the fact that it caused Australia to lose. Infact, fuck Billy Bowden. NZ scum.

There's been talk about Pietersen being a batsman almost capable of getting into fitting in Australian side. I found that hilarious. What I also find hilarious is the talk about whether to include him in the Test side or not, before the Ashes.

I guess you all seen the 'Strauss' ball. OHMYFUCKINGGOD how far did he turn that?

Almost as far as 'that' ball. Warne has been magnificent in the two tests so far and is a delight to watch. Best bowler in the world by far.

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That ball was fucking incredible.

I didnt catch Australia's last innings, since I was busy - but watched England's - there was 1 ball that was a definate out about 30 runs before the final out too.

As FBS said - REALLY shit calls by the umpires.

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Yeah, we both had a bit of a rough time from them. What is Billy Bowden all about with those exaggerated signals? What a gimp.

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Haha, yes, like stroking his leg to signal when a 4 has been hit? It was funny for the first few times, but after 3-4 years..

Can't wait for the next Test. Everyone has been saying Australia needs decent competition, and well, this is it.

This Thursday is the start of the next test. I'm off work on Friday so I'll be able to have a full day of crisps, pizza and cricket. I suppose I could have went seeing that Manchester is only down the road but no doubt it'll be sold out by now.

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urgh. I'd hate to actually attend a Test match. I went aaaaaaaages ago when David Boon was still playing. I'm afraid of projectiles.

When I was a little tacka, i got to play cricket on the MCG during the lunch break of one of the ODIs.

(I just thought I would add that - and for gratutious self indulgence - i got a hatrick)

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Right, so now Brett Lee is a 50/50 chance to play. Who should replace him? Methinks Stuart MacGill. I don't think Australia have used 2 leggies for fucking AGES. This could work both ways, as Warne is proving to be expensive but takes wickets. Statistically he's the 2nd best leg spinner in the world.

They already got someone - i hered it on the radio this morning, htough it was about 7:30 am so the memory does not remain.

I don't think it is MacGill though

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Yeah.. I read it in the paper today too. Some random guy who plays for NSW.

Stuart Clarke.

He's McGrath-y.

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McGrath AND Lee are playing?!? WHAT THE CRAP?

I know Lee was given the ok, but isn't McGrath only an outside chance? This could well fuck his ankle up further. He's not going to be able to bowl at his best anyway.

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Turn on SBS dude. McGrath has bowled most of the overs so far.

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Ha shit.

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Vaughan is on 109 not out. Seems like McGrath is still half crocked...

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Never thought I'd see Vaughan go beyond 50 in this series. England put on a fucking ace display of batting.

Australia dropped 7 catches. Yes, 7.

Ian Bell made double figures!! Well scary.

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Tell me about it!

McGrath ain't anywhere near fit - could it be that the Aussies are feeling a tad desperate? Shaun (could be Shane) Tate is a name I've heard Beefy Botham bandy about as a possible replacement for Brett Lee, but with Lee's current form I think Tate could be replacing McGrath.

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Ashley Giles is a very gay name. In other news, first wicket down.

Your cunty bowlers are trying to scuff the pitch up, which makes sense. Really-weird mid off (Pietersen) running across the pitch. Bowler follow-through marks starting to creep in. Dodgy. Clever, but dodgy.

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Well the umpire ain't gonna get sunburnt anytime soon.

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Looking very, very bad at 155-5. haha. I'll jump in early and say "byebye 3rd Test".