|
2005-06-13, 22:14
|
 |
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,841
|
|
|
untitled.... just some raw feelings still..
untitled.
Behind me you stand,
Poised and knife-drawn.
Past times forgotten,
Past times forlorn.
Your arm goes down,
The pain sets in.
Your voice no more,
You admit your sin.
A menace to emotion,
Your lies and deceit.
Evil, betrayal,
At deaths door is your seat.
Hiding behind your past,
Your never let me in.
Solemn and mindful,
A single time was your last.
Dripping and in distress,
Your knife sticks in my back.
I'm done with your remains,
Don't ever come back.
Oli
13062005
__________________
The Freedom of Chaos
The Secret of The Secret
The Truth of The Truth
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Undone
moonraven?....more like ass raven
|
|
|
2005-06-14, 00:18
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
I think it's a good outline, but I think it needs tweaked a little bit. I think it needs some color to it. It seems too black and white. Not a bad start though.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2005-06-14, 11:24
|
|
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,841
|
|
Yea, i struggled to find some appropriate words, thats what you get when you're a bit too tired 
__________________
The Freedom of Chaos
The Secret of The Secret
The Truth of The Truth
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Undone
moonraven?....more like ass raven
|
|
|
2005-06-14, 11:26
|
 |
Master Killer
Alumni Staff
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands
Posts: 11,372
|
|
|
I like the whole stabbing thing going on though I agree with metalmom, it could use a bit more, it's pretty hard to grasp.
|
|
2005-06-14, 13:08
|
 |
C-Un(i)t
Forum Leader
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Melbourne, AUS
Posts: 2,637
|
|
|
Needs more flaming vaginas.
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
