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2005-06-13, 03:59
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The Shire
Posts: 363
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some hateful, thrashy shit i came up with
The soul and heart of all mankind
shall burn in my path
if you try to stop me
then all you know shall feel my wrath
hatered has built up in my veins
tonight I take my throne and I reign
I am now the ruler of all things
worship me or die in pain
Blastphemy
I'll kill your saints
and burn your loved ones at the stake
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2005-06-13, 05:22
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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You need to collect your thoughts better. Stop trying to be aggressive and let it flow.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-06-13, 12:26
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,841
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As Tuvlox said, you need to let it flow, it seems a jumbled piece. The 'feel my wrath' thing seems quite cliched, and the syllable count isn't great either im afraid.
__________________
The Freedom of Chaos
The Secret of The Secret
The Truth of The Truth
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Originally Posted by Undone
moonraven?....more like ass raven
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2005-06-13, 12:42
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Glen Burnie, Maryland
Posts: 958
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by sqol
As Tuvlox said, you need to let it flow, it seems a jumbled piece. The 'feel my wrath' thing seems quite cliched, and the syllable count isn't great either im afraid.
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That rhymed. You're a poet and you didn't know it! 
__________________
 R.I.P. SAINT DIME
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Originally Posted by Infinity
Everything is funny you just gotta look at it the right way.
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Quote:
You know I believe in a ruling class, particuarly since I rule.
-Randal, Clerks
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scientology
MySpace
scientology |
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2005-06-13, 17:19
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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what they said already
__________________
Too grim to function
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2005-06-13, 17:45
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,841
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by lamb_of_god
That rhymed. You're a poet and you didn't know it! |
Haha 
__________________
The Freedom of Chaos
The Secret of The Secret
The Truth of The Truth
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Originally Posted by Undone
moonraven?....more like ass raven
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2005-06-14, 00:15
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Hmm, weird. My first read I had some rests and eighth notes and I got it right off the bat. I thought it was okay. A tad cliche, but it wasn't awful . At least there was no abysses or sacrificial virgins.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-06-14, 02:38
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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No sacrificial virgins? It obviously isnt't grim and necro enough! I'm docking 12 points for that.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-06-14, 17:05
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Tulvox
No sacrificial virgins? It obviously isnt't grim and necro enough! I'm docking 12 points for that. |
 I just had an idea! Maybe you could include a verse about powers' as the sacrificial virgin and then Tulvox will give you a couple more grim and necro points and the rest of us can just giggle. 
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-06-24, 23:16
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The Shire
Posts: 363
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umm....
Quote:
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Originally Posted by sqol
As Tuvlox said, you need to let it flow, it seems a jumbled piece. The 'feel my wrath' thing seems quite cliched, and the syllable count isn't great either im afraid.
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dude i dont care about my sylabul count. i just do this for fun. |
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2005-06-24, 23:47
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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You also cannot grasp the english language...
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-06-25, 00:13
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Well, blasphemy was spelled wrong, but it was obvious what that word was. I just read it again and I'm still reading it the way I did the other day. I don't see anything wrong with it. Differing opinions.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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