Yeah, I know, soft title. Well, I'm just trying my hand at something a little more softer, so to speak. Any comments would be welcome, even if you think it sucks, haha.

A ROSE
BY MANIA

what lies broken,
is nothing left
scattered scars of what you left behind
really, I do not care
you hurt me, used me, abused me,
what is there left?
how can I recover from
this pain you delt me

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
you told me I was perfect
you told me I was your whore
you left me dying
upon your floor
I kept on crying
you showed me no remorse
I'm your torn rose
nothing more, nothing less

this dark path
I wonder alone
you kept on calling to me
I did not turn
you caught up to me
the first time you hit me
the shock stole my thoughts
you stole my sanity

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
what you left me with
is all I kept on believing
how can I feel anything more
than this revulsion
I'm your torn rose
nothing more, nothing less

when will I wake up?
one day I'll notice what you are
then I'll take my revenge
not before you hand me that gun

(whispered)
this is the end
no more tears
no more pain
why should I give in?
I'm only dead

I'm not your rose
if I was, you'd be there
I lie here alone
but at least I'm still here
you are not with me
you never really were
you are my dream
now is the time to wake up

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
you told me I was perfect
you told me I was your whore
you left me dying
upon your floor
I kept on crying
you showed me no remorse
I'm your torn rose
nothing more, nothing less

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
you whispered words into my ears
made me feel useless
now I know the truth
now I feel stronger
you're my nightmare
but I'm still your rose

__________________

that was very good. what was ur inspiration? it sounds very sad/suicidal.
one thing i would have done differntly is said: instead of saying nothing more, nothing less. put, nothing less nothing more

I liked the first stanza, then after that it bored me.

__________________

Actually, this is going to sound pretty stupid, but my inspiration was my own stories and what one of my characters went through.
Thanks for the feedback

__________________

It didn't do a thing for me. It sounds too teen angsty like you tried to get as much pain, suffering, and self-pity into one piece as possible. If anyone was in a relationship like this for more than 5 minutes they desserve to be kicked in the head and stuck in an institution for being mental themself.

Flow and stuff was alright as far as that goes, but the subject was trite and used too much cliche.

__________________

Um.... yeah, ok. People are in relationships like that for years on end because they're too afraid to reach out. Maybe it is too "teen angsty" but I've had to do research on women that have been in relationships where violence was the main thing. Maybe I over did it, I'll admit to that. But whatever, all comments are appreciated and if you think that, then maybe I'll got the point across a lot better next time.

__________________

I've worked with abused children a little bit so I can see a lot of what you're saying it. Why don't you try to use this as an outline and pick out the parts that you think are most valuable in the message it's getting across? It would tighten up the piece a bit and keep the pace and interest from becoming whiny.
I think it's a great topic and a sad thing too many are into. Music is a way to communicate to some that might not know there is a way out before it's too late. I was in a mentally abusive situation for a few years and it's hard to figure out what to do sometimes. There's so much manipulation with the caring side vs. the domineering degrading side. That was one of the things I saw in this.

__________________

Okay, I'm sure this will take a few posts to do the whole thing, but I played around with it a bit and you can see what you think. It's your piece in the end so if you don't like any of it it's fine or if you just like bits and pieces that's fine to. You can take whatever I did to it as yours. I tried not to change any of the thoughts too much I hope.

this dark path
I wonder alone --Should that be wander?
you kept on calling to me
I did not turn
you caught up to me
with the first blow
the shock stole my thoughts
and my sanity

what lies broken,
is nothing more
than scattered scars of what you left behind
you hurt me, used me, abused me,
what is there left?
how can I recover from
this revulsion and pain

when will I wake up?
one day I'll notice what you are
then I'll take my revenge
not before you hand me that gun --I'm not sure about the gun line. Is that supposed to be him handing her the gun to kill him or her? maybe a line like -- Sweet to my lips-- or something like that that doesnt' show exactly how she gets revenge but just that she does.

(whispered)
this is the end
no more tears
no more pain
why should I give in?
I'm only dead -- from other elements in the piece prior it sounds like there is still a willingness to survive, but it's very slim. I think this passage would work leaving out the last line completely.

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
you told me I was perfect
you told me I was your whore
you left me dying
upon your floor
I kept on crying
you showed me no remorse
I'm your torn rose
nothing more, nothing less

I'm your torn rose
a wilting flower
I lie here alone
but at least I'm still here
you are not with me
you never really were

you whispered words into my ears
made me feel useless
now I know the truth
now I feel stronger
you were my dream
now you're my nightmare
now is the time to wake up
I'm not your rose

__________________

Hmm, I'm wondering now about the stanza --

(whispered)
this is the end
no more tears
no more pain
why should I give in?
I'm only dead

If it would sound better as--

no more tears
no more pain
why should I give in
this is the end

And then you could use it at the original spot and have it whispered at the very end, too. Just another idea.

__________________

There are some changes I really liked, but others I felt didn't really fit in.
With the gun part, he hands her the gun to shoot herself, when i thought of it I don't know what I was aiming for but it's whether she decided to carry on or just drop dead.
As for the 'I'm only dead' line, it's what he's been telling her for so long. She's just ended up drinking it in and starting to believe it. But she is suppose to realize there's life after all this misery. I guess that comes across better in the last part of yours than mine.
Thanks for the help, anyway. I like having a certain depressing touch, and some of what I've written they haven't survived through it, others are a little more twisted. I think I'll keep them to myself for now though.

__________________

I like the idea of having it whispered at the end, although something else is beginning to come to mind now. But, as for the verse, I'd probably stick to the original, no offense or anything, it just holds true for what it was suppose to be about.

__________________

No offense taken at all. I said that you could use all, none, or anything in between. When I do a rearrangement of someone else's piece I try to see it through their eyes, but sometimes I miss the mark. It's okay because it happens to everyone. I'm glad you could take something from it though. It was a challenge, but fun to do, too.

I wouldn't be too reserved about posting on here. It's one of the freer lyric/poetry forums I've run across and that's what I like about it. Anything goes here whether it's silly or got some grit to it. As long as common sense is used I haven't seen much go awry really.

It's an interesting topic you've chosen to write about and I may take a stab at it, too, sometime, but I'd really have to be in the right mood to do it.

Keep writing.

__________________