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2005-04-19, 21:34
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The Shire
Posts: 363
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read this for me
I need an opinion on this. help me out.
Cant speak my mind in this place
cant find the time i need to erase
I feel so fucked up
in a sence
my life becomes a mess
fucked up
are the thoughts i dare not speak
untouched
my mind grows weak
depression
these demond that torment me
dementia
the visions that i see
Imprisoned
a pattern that repeats
cant deal with this
im to weak
its kinda emo. you may not understand it, but it does have meaning. tell me what you think.  |
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2005-04-20, 07:55
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Brisbane, Australia.
Posts: 1,023
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Sounds like a typical nu metal lyric, no offence.
__________________
I <3 12 year olds.
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2005-04-20, 08:04
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Post-whore
Banned
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,471
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if you're going to have a whine, by all means go ahead, but do it artistically. metaphors, similes etc. keep working on it dude.
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2005-04-20, 12:19
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Sounds like typical teen angst to me. Keep it for a memory of how you felt at the time if this is indeed a personal feeling. But take what you have and use it for an outline for another piece. find a specific as to why you feel this way and elaborate on that feeling. If it's more than one thing you could break it down into verses with a chorus of a common idea that surrounds the whole piece. It would give it your special view and also be more creative. Sort of the difference between saying-- My life sucks-- and--The nails in the coffin finalized my friendship yesterday. The first just shows that you're distraught in general. the second shows more of the why in the friend's death. And that second line could be a metaphor for something else, too.
Hope that helps. You're piece isn't bad as it is, but it doesn't pop out. You yourself might read it 20 years from now and wonder what it's about unless you have notes with it. Been there, done that! 
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-04-20, 13:19
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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I only read the first five lines and this reeks of nu-metal.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-04-20, 14:09
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Post-whore
Banned
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,471
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yup it's nu-metal. it avoids being emo though. i don't see any lines about his goldfish dying and naming it andrewc  |
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2005-04-20, 21:22
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Oh yeah, you're right. The andrewc would be a dead giveaway.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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