this is the first chapter to a story im writing, a teaser if you will, if you guys like it, i will continue to update the thread as new chapters come about

:: Chapter 1 ::

"Where are we going, Mr. Johansen?"

"I can't tell you. That would ruin the surprise."

"But I have to be home soon, it's getting dark, and i can't be late for dinner or I don't get any ice cream.”

“Don’t worry; we’re just going to that shed right over there.” He pointed to an isolated wooden shed, hidden from the world by the forest around it. It had been ravaged by many years worth of decay, half the roof caved in and the planks that made the wall being as warped as the individual walking toward it.

He took the child by the hand and led her to the center of the shed as he spoke to her, “now open your mouth and close your eyes and get ready for a big surprise.” She closed her eyes quickly after he disappeared out of sight. She heard a heavy panting sound to her left shortly followed by a wet sloshing noise. She peeked her eyes open and spotted him, just a dark mass over in a corner, huddled and shaking violently.

She shut her eyes again and called to him,”Mr. Johansen, where are you?”

“Don’t worry,” he said in a nervous voice, like that of a druggie going through withdrawal,” I just need a second. Stay there and keep those eyes closed.”

She stood there for a minute, obediently, starting to get nervous; she hadn’t heard anything for several minutes. Just then, she heard him cry out and what sounded like him hitting a wall.

“Mr. Johansen?”

“Hold on sweetie, I’m almost ready,” he said in a breathless voice.

Her eyes still closed, she heard another sound, different than the earlier sounds. It was still a sort of groan, but it was different, followed by a strange scraping sound. Scared, she decided to peek again. She opened her eyes in time to let out a scream as the splitting maul was inches from her face.

“SURPRISE SWEETHEART”

__________________

come on, somebody read it, i would like input, both negative and positive

__________________

I know what you mean, you put alot of work into a writing and no one really reads it. This forum seems more geared towards the music, and less towards lyrics. Plus this isn't really a lyric or a poem, but the rules aren't strict so who really cares?
Ok, onto this story of yours. Well to be honest, I didn't really enjoy it but it does have the possibility of becoming a decent horror story. The thing I didn't like about the story is it does not really ellaborate on anything. Where it is descriptive there are obvious grammatical errors that are bad enough to take away from the story. This one sentence in particular examplifies what I mean:
"It had been ravaged by many years worth of decay, half the roof caved in and the planks that made the wall being as warped as the individual walking toward it."
You can't ravage something with decay, it is ravaged because it has decayed. The second part of it is way too jumbled, "and the planks that made the wall being as warped as the individual..." I know what you are trying to say, but that sentence is totally fucked man.
As a final word of advice: keep writing, you have the makings of a good story, it just needs heavy proof reading, and a little more clarity. Unless you were going for a naration where the reader is as confused as the victim, which I think is the case here. If that's true, than just worry about the grammatical errors. I'll help you out if you want, my email adress is cradleofsteven@hotmail.com, so just send what you have and I can proof read it for you. But you should really just take the time to do it yourself. Anyways good work, and keep writing. Write, write, write, and write some more, it's the only way to get good.

Just a suggestion to give more depth and crediblity would be to read up on some actual true stories of this nature or watch some true crime shows on tv that deal with predatory people. Create more aura around the characters without giving too much away. A person who is a predator can sometimes come up with very creative ways to capture his/her prey. If you had some of those elements in it I think it would grasp the reader's attention more instead of just providing a shocking ending. In fact the little girl could turn out to be the real predator, but you said this was just the first part and it's your story.

Dialogue is fine to pick up however a character might speak, but I think an offer such as bloodredthrone made is a very good one. Many authors have others comment about word choice for them as he did with the decaying shed. Or they will correct grammatical errors. I'd have to have someone do that with mine I'm sure. And some people on the various forums or instructors have done it in the past for me. Not everyone is good at picking things out that aren't in perfect order just as not everyone can come up with a creative idea. The blend of minds is perfectly fine and helps get your idea across more perfectly.

For a first chapter it really didn't reach out and pull me in, but I'm not really into gore. The flow of thoughts was good, and I like dialogue and action in a story. Nothing wrong with those at all. I would be willing to read more chapters and try to comment from a constructive viewpoint. And I know it's a bit frustrating when you see views and no comments, but that's something you learn to live with sometimes.
Good luck on your writing!

btw, I see you're a post whore, too.

__________________

I don't know if I'm a perv or not...but it sounds like hes going to mouth fuck her

nah, he was jerking off in the corner, while she thought he was going to give her candy or something like that

__________________

thats what I thought, now is he going to cum in her mouth? "close your eyes and open your mouth"

I was wondering the same thing.

nope, the whole surprise thing was the splitting maul.

__________________

haha great dude,fill us in when your finished with it.

ill probably post ch 2 soon, i have that one done, its a bunch of history, but semi important nonetheless

__________________

I'm glad someone else mentioned that because that part was unclear to me, too. I think you should be more specific in what he's doing. It seems like that's what he's doing, but it isn't real specific. I got ideas from masturbation to possibly even a shape-shifting transformation. Even if it's a lewd act and you're hesitant describing it, you can still get the idea across so there's more certainty. Maybe an unzipping of a zipper or something like that would be all it would need. The reader would know from what followed that you've already written that he wasn't just taking a leak in the corner. Just thoughts.

__________________

i want it to be ambiguous, so you dont know exactly what he is doing in the corner, i leave that to the reader, but in my mind, he is jerking off

__________________

Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

__________________