You flickered, and like a lovelorn moth I followed in your wake
Your irridescent silhouette was promising me
pleasures that I couldn't comprehend,
Like rays of light my hands reached out to you,
Yet you repulsed them with your rosewood whip.

After this sacrifice you'll never be the same,
the fragile fibre of your being shattered by my gentle touch,
Yet you go on, oblivious to this torture,
and I repulse you with my rosewood whip.

Fairly unfinished, but I thought I'd post them for you people to give me ideas on how to polish these up. Don't ask me about how a rosewood whip is meant to work, it's possible only in my sick little mind.

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I think the word rosewood needs to be either replaced or omitted, as it comes across as pretentious and and drags down the otherwise excellent poem. It has no value to the poem, at least not from my perspective. I just cringe every time I come about that word, it just doesn't fit or belong there, it almost feels like a filler word.

That's my opinion, hopefully others will have something interesting to say about the poem in general.

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