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2004-12-22, 02:06
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Attorney at Bird Law
Forum Leader
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Alone here, with emptiness, eagles, and snow...
Posts: 3,567
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Tulvox
So you put a knife into my back
The bloody blade of deciet
Stained with friends hands from centuries past
What more do you want of mine?
Of me?
Bury me in a glacier so I can out live your icy shoulder
Your face expresses the emotions I so loathe
What makes me human other than flesh and bones?
This world is so distant from its portrayed warmth
It sickens me beyond belief
Call me bitter but I envy your smile
And nothing would make me happier
Than to plaster your face to the tombstone above me
And send you to an endless realm of castration
I would sew your damn eyes open to rid of the luxury of blinking
I would drag your corpse into the frozen depths of my heart
So I could stay warm with your past being
My solace is lacking behind schelude and something must change
400 years of modern science to figure out that everything bleeds
A constant struggle for power consumes every form of life that gives a shit
Let me know what you guys think.
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I like this. I really like the concept. It could definitely use some work, though. For example - "send you to an endless realm of castration" - I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean. The message of torture is conveyed, but that particular sentence comes across to me as nonsensical.
There are a couple of minor errors in there as well, grammatical in nature. For example - "My solace is lacking behind schelude and something must change" - the word lacking can't be used the way you intend, and I believe the word 'lagging' is far more appropriate. Also, 'deciet' is spelled 'deceit', although that could just as well have been a typo, I figured I might as well bring it to your attention.
I hope I was helpful. Like I said originally, good work. 
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Trust in god, he'll give you shoes!
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