I wrote these lyrics recently but hadn't had a chance to post them until now.

...Parts of this song are rather explicit, so keep in mind, when reading, that they are not explicit for the sake of being explicit. If you don't understand something about a certain verse or something, just ask.

I'm open to all positive and negative comments and questions.

__________________

Don't like it for many reasons. I don't mind grotesque lyrics, but my BF wrote a similar set of lyrics sometime ago and I ripped up him for doing so (the imagery and story was identical, but it was first person view). For one, the idea that he kills her and rapes her dead body because she cheated on him is sick, she's not property and she was depicted as such here. It seems that the man doesn't care that his feelings are betrayed but only that someone trodden on his patch and digraced his property. Also, I don't like the flow. That's it.

The first 2 parts weren't bad. The third all I c ould think of was the incredible hulk though. 5, 7, and 8 were very lackluster. Same old macho crap, boring as heck. I think if you changed those or left them out completely it would leave a little to imagine but still give the morbid feeling. I think a different reason for his outburst or a more uniquely detailed even would make it more interesting. Lose the 14 year old stuff. It just sounds dumb and I know you can dig deeper than that.

I tell you a tale of a recent event
In all its morbid beauty, in all its truth
A tale of the delusions of morality
And their results of leaving all life in ruin…

Looking in through the dark paned window, he sees his beloved
In the arms of another man (Actually I don't know if I'd even leave the beloved and other man part in there.)
Through his tears, he watches everything he held dear…crumble

Falling to his knees, giving up what he once believed
Within the secrecy of his mind, he now transforms
Love turns to hate, kindness to cruelty, anew he is born

As a grim smile claws its way across his face
He bursts into the room
Taking the new found lovers by surprise (Again kinda overdone.)

As a moral is always told…
When cadavers lie lifeless and cold
When the work of insanity is apparent and bold…
When a cloudy day is graced with the raven’s song
When the chaos of the abyss rises through the earth’s crust
We will discover the murderer inside all of us…

__________________

This sucks. And it's not very explicit either.

I see...perhaps I'll just chuck these then and work to do something better. Mods, go ahead and close the thread.

__________________

Hey dude, a bit of advice whether you want it or not? If you make a recipe and it misses the mark tastewise you can add a little this and that to improve it without just feeding it to the dog. It's the same with writing. It takes a lot of going over to perfect things sometime and sometimes collaboration asking others what the missing ingredients might be. if you don't like them you don't use them , but you still keep the basic idea going. Does that make sense? It does have some good parts to it so I wouldn't toatlly abandon it. You may have another partial piece that would blend in with this one. I've done that before.

__________________

Hey, did you talk to OJ Simpson or something?

No, seriously though, the premise isn't bad, the execution is flawed. For example, you really lost me when he postmortally raped his wife. That didn't make much sense and seemed to be just thrown in there as an afterthought. In a real life scenario, it would be incredible to say the least for any such thing to happen. The cannibalism is also a longshot, but more likely.

Check out the lyrics to Suffocation's "Marital Decimation", it's somewhat similar in topic. It's a brilliant song, not necessarily lyrically, it's just a fantastic song. The lyrics are rather crude, but the story is certainly interesting. http://lyrics.net.ua/song/23057

__________________

I'll look into that.

__________________