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2004-10-18, 20:34
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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The first 3 parts were fine.
The next one began with a line that didn't make sense at all.
"He will starve to death and never die" --The next line does make sense so if you can get that same feeling in this line I think it would work fine. You want something like this semi-credible and not just words that sound good. You could even just have "He will starve but never die" . Just a thought.
The only other lines I didn't like was the women ,children, and eyeball plucking. To me that made it drop a few pegs to teen status. I'd lose those completely. It also makes the piece lose a total human calamity feel.
The last part I really liked with the exception of that one similar line I already spoke of. That was cool the way you turned it around to be the narrator's story.
Not a bad one.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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