Okay, this is open to criticism and comments, so say what you will. After reading a few things (including Brutur's lyrics), I decided I would post one thing that I had done. It's not social commentary as most of my lyrics tend to be. I'm not sure how it would be properly categorized, so I'll just post it.
The name of the song is "Emotional Emancipation".

Every fluid ounce of blood that pumps through my body is palpable in my thoughts.
My organs pulsate in an odd state of unity...
...united with my mind...
...united with my heart...
...united with my soul.
Whichever of these truly exist.
Remnants of a broken past forced me to be this way.
Suspended in this state, I am content with the bleakness of my reality.

Bodily amnesty will soon be bestowed upon me.
My own careless thoughts and actions have put me where I've always wanted to be.
Why would you want to live in a world that constantly consumes pieces of itself?
You would be the next to be swallowed up.
Mental anguish is only one of the cruel forms of natural torture all are subjected to at some point.
I don't understand why everybody else wants to stay behind, I'm ready to leave.
Why aren't they following?
Surely they realize their own impending tortures?

I can't help but be mesmerized by my complete lack of thoughts.
Such a rare moment for me, my mind is free of it's constant racing.
Emptiness surrounds me in this celestial box of nothing.
I realize this can only be temporary until I walk in further.
So, I must.
Shall someone escort me?
I hate to travel alone.
Perhaps you will get lucky and catch a glimpse of whoever meets me on the other side.
The darkness looks so brilliant in it's simplicity...
The lack of light is so tempting, who could resist?
I haven't the will to walk away, rather, I walk toward the darkness.
Farther and farther in I go.
My body, soul, and senses have become encompassed by the darkness...
It was meant to be.
My nightmare is over.

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It's tough to comment on this, as at the same time as I enjoy the act of reading it I have to wonder how some of the lines will fit over music. A line like 'Remnants of a broken past forced me to be this way,' for example, has that ideal terseness that I tend to look for when I think of song lyrics and seems like it could easily be fit into a vocal line, whereas the very next line, 'Suspended in this state, I am content with the bleakness of my reality,' seems like it would fit in awkwardly. Though this isn't necessarily so, as I can imagine it fitting quite nicely depending on the vocal style or the music playing under, or both. I guess before I comment any further I'd like to ask for a musical reference point, if that's possible. If not, then I'll just think a bit more, probably tomorrow, and give a better critique. I like it as far as I can see it now, if you follow.

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These lines are very awesome. But I think I agree with the above stated. It doesn't seem to flow right, well, unless you sing it like Shagrath would on the album EnthroneDarkness.

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The lyrics wouldn't be read as cohesively over the music, for instance, the sentences would be chopped up. The only example I can think of off the top of my head are Suffocation lyrics, they do the same thing, quite frequently.

Like, for example, the way things look now, the lyrics-

"Remnants of a broken past forced me to be this way.
Suspended in this state, I am content with the bleakness of my reality.

Bodily amnesty will soon be bestowed upon me."

would read more like this-

"Remnants of a broken past force me to be
this way. Suspended in this state I am content
with the bleakness of my reality. Bodily amnesty
will soon be bestowed upon me"

The way you see the lyrics is the way I originally wrote them, as well as the context in which I'd want them to be read. However, over music, the music automatically becomes top priority, so the lyrics have to conform TO the music, which automatically takes them out of context. I'm sure you understand, you guys aren't stupid. By the way, if you need a really good example of somebody doing something similar, the song "Liege of Inveracity" by Suffocation will do just nicely.

Thank you for the responses and your opinions, by the way.

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Very good work! I like the use of words in your work!
You brought some interesting points...

"Why would you want to live in a world that constantly consumes pieces of itself?
You would be the next to be swallowed up."

I love that phrase! Keep up the good work!

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Would you really break up 'Remnants of a broken past force me to be this way'? If the music calls for it, damn well do it; I just think it's got a lot of punch, almost like an aphorism (though the only actual aphorism in the song would have to be 'Mental anguish is only one of the cruel forms of natural torture all are subjected to at some point.').

I just listened to 'Liege of Inveracity' about twenty times in a row while checking out the lyrics, and I realized something: they didn't print all the lyrics. What the hell? For as long as I was able to follow along, though, it seemed fairly concise, so I'm not sure I see the comparison. But I think I got lost pretty quickly, so I may have missed it. I'm not very into Suffocation, but it's not a bad song to listen to 20 or so times in a row. I'm guessing I should assume this is to be sung over something heavy and fairly technical, then?

I'll give a more constructive critique after I get a bit of sleep. I know I should post it now, but I'm not.

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This is cool. The only thing I would suggest is chopping up the sentences when it's sung, but since you already said you were going to do that, nevermind.

Have you written any music to go with it?

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haha. crazy german

Okay, now I can hear how this would work. In my mind it's in a death metal bark, but there are lots of ways to work it.

I really like how the ending comes off as both bleak and hopeful, since it's unclear, to me at least, if that's death or apotheosis or neither. I actually really like it, and since I can hear it being sung now no worries there either, the only thing that sticks out to me is your use of the word 'rather.' It feels prosaic, and I can't imagine it being sung, barked, growled, or whatever. It's only one word, but that can be pretty significant. Anyway, that's your call.

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Yes, defnitely. The music I write always falls into one of two categories- acoustic and technical death/thrash. Sometimes I combine any two of the categories. There would be no acoustic parts in this song, not that I can imagine. I haven't definitively put it over music yet, I've tried the lyrics over several different songs and I haven't yet decided which one it will go to.

I could have clarified the ending, I left I liked the ambiguity of it. I figured people who read it will automatically see their own meaning. I know exactly what I meant, but I think it's nice for people to draw their own conclusions.

I also want to thank everybody for their responses so far. I'm glad you all seem to like it. It should fare well for me should I ever decide to run with this.

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Hey, what is wrong about that immaculate sentence?!!

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In all honesty I'd ditch the entire first verse except for the first and seventh lines. The rest of that could be a Britney Spears song. Screams of teen angst to me.

The rest of the piece I liked. It had the tone of forboding and yet perseverance without whining.
As far as the music goes I think you can pretty much do whatever the oiece moves you do to. I don't quite agree with writing something just so it fits smoothly in a score because sometimes the message becomes less effective that way. Roger Waters or Pink Floyd being a perfect example. The trick to making a wordy sentence work is to play with it til it is compatible with your perfect sound. Sometimes you think it's cool and then a month later something hits you a bit different and the change is made.

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