This is only my third attempt at writing a poem, it isn't perfect at all, which is why I have posted it here, so that you can suggest some improvements to it. It is inspired by the Megadeth song, 'Rust In Peace' and is entitled, 'Body Count Rising'. It has a very 80s vibe about it, which is what I was aiming for..

I am the epitomy of all that you loath
I am the ruler of your freedom
I will send you beyond limbo
On the moment of impact

Get ready to face your death
Watch your whole life go up in flames
Bet you didn't see this coming
Rage, sadness, morbid thoughts, running through your mind

In my line of sight
A vision of hell on earth
Cauterizing the path which you chose long ago
Hellish nightmares transformed into reality

Body count rising
World powers falling
What will you do now?
Weep, beg, mourn
Oh how I love to see you on your knees

Your suffering is my motive
I am the ultimate demoniac
'Barbarous' is my name
But you can call me Hiroshima

I kinda like it, but then I'm a nuclear engineer too. It nearly made me want to write a song/poem myself about first hand experiences.

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fucking terrible. my god your poems suck. the other one talked about horse testicles

Wel i never said it was perfect. I seem to remember asking for improvements I could make to it. If you havn't got anything positive to say, then shut the fuck up.

Cunt.

Andrew, nobody's third poem's any good. Go check out the poem Byron put at the front of his first book of poetry; it's the first poem he ever wrote, and it sucks. Yet he went on to write some decent poetry. This guy's obviously made the effort to act more seriously, so give him a break. If we get another half-cocked story about horses blowing jockies, then flame away.

BTD: I don't really have any specific criticisms. It's a bit awkward and some parts of it remind me strongly of slightly more famous lines, but that's all to be expected in early poetry. Every thought starts feels as though it's not completed, which is also to be expected. The only real advice is to keep writing, but also to go back and revise this. I'm sure there are lines and entire thoughts you can tighten up if you took the time. Poetry is much, much harder to write than prose and generally takes a lot of time to shape properly. Also, try learning about meters and rhyme schemes; you may not want to ultimately write in them, but it helps as a disciplinary exercise.

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