This is one of my Thrash/Death Metal songs


When will this end?
This seems to happen again and again
Whe will we never have to defend
Ourselves
Again

This is whats real
War, now we have to make another deal
To stop the war but we will get a feeling
That we
Need war

[chorus] The spirits of the dead surround us
For we are at war
We will end their bloodlust
And in the ranks of heaven we will soar

This seems like pure hatred to me (to me)
Why can the world seem to see (to see)
War will not solve anything (anything)
All it will do is make everything
WORSE!!!!! SO STOP IT!!!

[chorus] The spirits of the dead surround us
For we are at war
We will end their bloodlust
And in the ranks of heaven we will soar


comments?

The concept of the song is very good, but try to use more Sophisticated words. Try to use more metaphors and similies to make the message behind the song more complex. When writing lyrics, be sure how the music itself is structured, to fit the lyrics better to the music.

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yeah, try not to use "stop it!" , try to find different way of saying it, 'cause it sounds like something a parent would say to their toddler, or a little girl telling that to her brother (who's annoying her), or a linkin park lyric.

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I like it, but do work on it so it reads smoother.

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You have to hear the song to know how it reads. It reads very smoothly.

Cool. Post it on the FPT once it gets up.

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if youre going to write about war at least make it about the actual fighting. we dont need hippy protest songs. write about IED's and such. or do us all a favor and write about other things. i listen to music to escape this world, not relive it.

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no

thats the last time i offer constructive criticism. allow me to re-write my post, minus my attempts to say things nicely.



this song sucks, the lyrics are cheesy. its been done many times before. liberal whining about the war sucks and is tedious. you are not a good lyricist and should stick to music, if you can do that right.

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That wasn't constructive criticism, it was an anti-liberal complaint. Which is fine, but don't try to pass off whining as being helpful. Then you're no better than the smelliest of hippies, except that even they don't try to force Toby Keith to write different lyrics to his noxious songs.

I guess there's no point in reviewing the actual lyrics, as Chokehold's been banned, but I do find it hard to believe that this goes smoothly even with music under it.

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that WAS constructive criticism. id land on him for war mongering if he wrote about how great the war in iraq is. dont believe me, fine, but i would.

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I believe you would, but it still wasn't constructive criticism, and wouldn't be. It's given that you can't decide subject matter for him, and it's not your job to do so; being constructive would be helping him to most fully realize the concept he's decided on. All you did was complain about subject matter, which does nothing to help him write better.

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alright, youve got me there.

at least war mongering is far more metal than peace protesting

dont bother responding, let this thread croak

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He was banned? Oh well, maybe he'll come back as a guest and just read. I wasn't keen on it mostly because it didn't seem to solidly to stick to the subject. Part seemed to be reality and part fantasy. The simplicity didn't bother me and I do think it could fit into a song. Unless there's a stricter meter to something a tune is anyone's guess. I won't argue with that at all. It just didn't trip my trigger.

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