Watchful hands move so slowly on hours,
a maddening melody in my tired mind.
The worn brass pendulum swinging told,
just another hour another day old.

Once was a beating crimson chamber,
has frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

Lifting another finger spinning again,
seven times around this black rotary.
A steady ring goes in and out of ears,
Another expected and forgetful excuse.

Once was a beating crimson chamber,
has frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

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.......not too bad, could use a little word editing cause the flowing seemed wrong.

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Hope you don't mind me playig with it a bit. (powers' get your mind outta the gutter ..)


Watched hands move so slowly on hours, (I hope that didn't screw with your meaning. lemme know!)
a maddening melody in my tired mind.
The worn brass pendulum swinging told,
just another hour another day old. (great imagery in that verse)

Once a beating crimson chamber,
was frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

Lifting another finger spinning again,
seven times around this black rotary.
A steady ring goes in and out of ears,
Another expected and forgetful excuse.

Once a beating crimson chamber,
was frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

I don't think I changed it much except maybe a bit in that one line. Do you think it smoothed it out somewhat? I really liked your imagery in it, but I do thinkthe story should be longer to describe it more. It seems incomplete and personally, I'd like to know the how's and why's of the piece .

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meh, I said it was good.

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Not what I was referring to , but it's all good. Not to worry.....

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....? *gasp* Not to worry?!?!?! then what...

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Don't be raspanorious, powers' .

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what the hell does that mean...

it's not in my dictionary, but from what it sounds like, I'm thinking it means something like the opposite of vindicate....like undignified...shit...

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Arkane,

Somehow you managed to get this creepy ticktock rhythm in the cadence of your words... so fucking excellent.

BTW, for my taste, it has to be the original "has frozen", rather than "was frozen".

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CarnalA' --that tick tock is called meter in technical terms.

powers' --It's a word my mom loves to use with little kids mostly and just means you're being a pill, impish, and harmlessly devious. I'm not even sure if I spelled it right ! haha

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I like the editing you made to it, kind of cleaned it up a bit. But i will try to explain how i wrote this and what i wrote it off.


Watchful hands move so slowly on hours, (this verse pretty explainatory)
a maddening melody in my tired mind.
The worn brass pendulum swinging told,
just another hour another day old.

Once a beating crimson chamber, (this verse refers to how love can turn rotten.)
has frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

Lifting another finger spinning again, (this verse explains calling someone, using one of those old spin phones, 7 times around, one time for each number of their phone number. and has to do with being blown off)
seven times around this black rotary.
A steady ring goes in and out of ears,
Another expected and forgetful excuse.

Once a beating crimson chamber,
has frozen under the abandonment.
A disgusting creation you birthed,
disfiguring monster crying out inside.

__________________