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2004-08-28, 05:04
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 160
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untitled
Reflecting in the fading prescence,
shrouded by a dark rising cloud.
The moon is watching me tonight,
ive never been more happy alone.
Everything in my mind is fading,
i wish i could stay here forever.
no more thoughts of you or us,
dont think im thinkin of you.
Ive poured my soul down the vallies,
where broken hearts come to drink.
I can see lights reaching out to me,
strings of golden serenity.
no agony can be found on this face,
peace and hope in my dreams.
all inside has withered away for you,
i will live again without you.
Ive poured my soul down the vallies,
where broken hearts come to drink.
I can see lights reaching out to me,
strings of golden serenity.
__________________
"Could god Microwave a burrito so hot, that he himself could not eat it?"
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2004-08-28, 05:38
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I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
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OoOOoooOOOoo, cool  .
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.
 
This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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2004-08-28, 23:49
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It has potential ,but something is missing the mark. But that's what we're hear for to collaborate or at least offer some ideas.
You had one line that I absolutely loved --strings of golden serenity.--that had a nice pleasing image that was fragile and yet strong with a glimmer of beauty.
I went through and commented along the way. A couple spelling errors but I could tell what you meant.
Reflecting in the fading presence,
shrouded by a dark rising cloud.
The moon is watching me tonight,
ive never been more happy alone.
(I liked this verse very much.Nice thought flow. )
Everything in my mind is fading,
i wish i could stay here forever.
no more thoughts of you or us,
dont think im thinkin of you.
(This verse brought it down. I think the thoughts need tightened up is all. It seems too loose and just there. Idea is good though.)
Maybe --
All my thoughts are fading.
I wish I could stay this way forever.
No more thoughts of us anymore
So don't think I'm thinking about you. ( Or --Don't think my thoughts are about you.)
Ive poured my soul down the valleys,
where broken hearts come to drink.
I can see lights reaching out to me,
strings of golden serenity. ( Very nice verse. Great imagery! )
no agony can be found on this face,
peace and hope in my dreams.
all inside has withered away for you, ( My thoughts of you have withered away, maybe ?)
i will live again without you. ( Pretty good verse.)
Ive poured my soul down the valleys,
where broken hearts come to drink.
I can see lights reaching out to me,
strings of golden serenity.
So whatcha think?
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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