I am the one of putrid faith, look at all my shame!
I watch your eyes devouring the filthy rotten stains
How unfortunate I am, living all these years
Waiting for what has to come, Waiting for the tears
The winter of the fetid realm - my everlasting fate
Composed of finer threads of woe, sorrow at the gate
Locked to keep the Demons in and hold the Devils back
The demons of my darkest fears, their brutal bodies hacked
Someone show me lack of pain, present to me affection
Show me my beleifs are wrong, prove to me perfection
Time is ticking faster now the hourglass is smashed
Existance is in agony, Jesus has been bashed
It's time to meet my afterlife, the gates are open wide
In my rotting fetid realm, the demons at my side
The Devils feast upon me now, my decomposing flesh
Turning on eachother too, to taste the blood that's fresh
See what God has given me, watch the blood that spills
Hell was fiction, Heaven lies, this afterlife's what kills!

---------------------------

It's sort of an idea about what MIGHT happen after people die. There are shitloads of possibilities, and I've written about a fair few that make at least a tiny fraction of sense to me.
I s'pose I just want an opinion really, I've never really had the chance or the guts to show people who I know my poetry, they're just too... i dunno, distant from me. Well thanks for looking.

well, you couldn't get any farther distant than this. but here's my opinion anyway. it didn't amaze me like a bunch of Gram's stuff does, but it didn't make me want to count you as stupid or gay like BLS. i think you actually poured yourself into this, and i applaud that. but there were a couple points that need debating. maybe just one, but i feel like talking right now.

"Jesus has been bashed" why did you put this in there? do you really believe it to be true? do some reading, you might change your mind.

I think the reason i didn't like it is because right now, you have the perspective of "now", whereas I have the perspective of "then". you wrote this about what you feel now, whereas i would write it about how I felt then. if you understand. tell me if you don't and I will elaborate.

__________________

Well, first off I liked the rhyme scheme. And I had the same problem with no one to have as an audience for reading my stuff. I let one of my kid's read something and then another. That boosted my writing and then I found the tc lyric and poetry forum. Then to get a different opinion I came here cuz my son 's a mod here. Everyone knew me at the other site so I wanted more unbiased opinions. But quite a few liked me here so YOU'RE ALL STUCK WITH THE OLD BROAD!! Anyways, you don't have to be shy about posting things here. If it sucks they 'll tell you and if it doesn't they'll tell ya that ,too.

I think with your wording you can pretty much get a good deal of imagery across. And though I may not agree with the philosophy it's still interesting to me. There's lots of good couplets in there. Gnarly sounding but not overly gross to me. At least you didn't have an damned raped virgins in it. I hate that cuz it's so teenybopperish.

Anyways, I pretty much liked it. Good job.
Do you do music too or just poetry?

__________________

Dying Oath, when i said 'jesus has been bashed' i didn't mean jesus as a person, i meant what he symbolises or means to people. It's been abused and... oh man i hate explaining things, i'm bad at it. Sorry.

L,B'XXX, I write poetry and lyrics

okay, just wanted you to know that not all people think he's "been bashed"
but hey. i liked your peice overall.
LISTEN TO ME NOW LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LISTENED BEFORE. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT TO BE SORRY FOR ANY POEM OR SONG YOU'VE WRITTEN. it's everything that came out of you, and other people need to either appreciate that or shut up. so, don't apologize for your stuff, ever again.

it will get easier to explain as you go on, do not worry about that. just keep writing

__________________