kind of a creepy, overly love poem, more like a hopelessly obsessed poem.


darkness falls, the clock strikes twelve
the time has come to leave my cell
under cover of night to escape this hell
to end my past life and yours as well
night after night, you made me cry
day after day, wondering why
year after year, pain in my eyes
minutes seem like months as slowly we die
together, death calls our names
forever, my love turned to shame
together, though you hate me still
if i cant have you eternity will
come closer, darling, dont be afraid
beg if you wish, my mind has been made
one o'clock, the time draws near
scream if you want, the forest will hear
sing of our love, together in tune
pray if you like, youll be there soon
the smell of your fear and taste of your dread
run if you must, though we're already dead
forever...

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Ditch the forever at the end and it's not bad at all. The forever dropped it down about 20 points for me. UNLESS, and I like to try to make things work--
you had it --
run if you must, though forever we're already dead
Then it doesn't have that angsty, teeny-boppper sound at the end.

Type O Negative comes to mind with this piece. It has some good reps as far as time frames go and I thought the storyline was cold sounding but not gross shocking to the point of sounding like any other murder and mayhem song. It has an undead quality that was cool since you never came out and said it was vampirish or ghostish. Myself, I prefer the ghost idea. I could picture this happening over and over again spiritually as they never rested in peace.

Nice one.

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ill prolly just drop the forever, i like the idea

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NICE! brutal maybe, but very nice. like the ending. good form.
for the end line, try "run if you must, though we're already forever dead."
it gets kind of the long/short paradox going there. i love this. you're awesome dude.
i feel like a little kid in a candy store "I WANT MORE"
i just love your style, it's cool.
the niceness

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thanks, i feel all like special inside and stuff, not really, i am a metalhead, therefore i have no emotions , but thanks for the feedback

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Isnt this a pop song from the 80s?

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Yeah, I think the Thompson Twins did it .

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Somebody beat him with a big stick !!

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or better yet, make a room with a floor of something like a big belt sander, then suspend him from his armpits to where his feet are almost touching the floor, then slowly lower him over a matter of a week or two, see how loud he screams. of course, the belt sander would have to be very hot so that it cauterizes the wound instantly so that he doesn't bleed to death, but i think that's what we should do to him.

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umm yeah, hows about a big negative for you Mr. hatred, try again sir, thanks.

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not bad, better than dying oaths shit

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HaaahAhahahahahaha! Did you date this dude or something d-o? A week or two? I love it! You seem to have really thought this ideal out or it was a bad dream you had, not sure. It's about the most visual thing I have seen you write. You cool, Man!

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no, my friend and i were just talking about torture a couple weeks ago at lunch.
another thing we could do is hang him by shark hooks from his armpits and dig out his belly button with a can opener. you know, the kind that has the pointy end so that you get a triangular hole in the top? yeah, that's one of my favorites. you could then hang him by a tree and let him swing in the wind as an example for others who do this. I know, I'm a very, very, very evil person.

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Ouch!

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I think I'm getting an idea for another verse in the metaltabs song ....

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hah. if y'all EVER need any torture ideas, or if you have any good ones.....come to me, i can supply, i also want to write down all of my tortures and alphabatize them so i can find a specific one quickly, if i need to,
more torture...you could go japanese and stick slivers of bamboo the sixe of clarinet reeds under his fingernails, and toenails, then pour boiling water drop by drop down his ear.

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Those are old hat. You've gotta get some more original stuff, but you do have a good start on those. Remind me not to piss ya off.
Hey, maybe I should introduce you to a guy that's supposed to be writing a novel during school. He calls me 'mum'. He said it's supposed to be pretty violent. Maybe an idea swap. I came up with men having their 'monthly' which we both agreed would be very violent. We were talking about Queen Victoria while looking at a bbc site.

The biggest torture I can think of is living with me.
GramBobbi

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you should be on the show kink man