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2004-05-24, 19:29
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
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An Excerpt From Life: Part II
here's the second part.
Darkness envelops me, pressing me down.
Chains of sorrow, bound by woe
Cling to my clammy arms.
Do I live for this? Should I?
I become confused by your speech,
Bewildered by your actions.
Your misunderstanding creates a shallow dent in my armor,
A dent that is filled as rapidly as it's created.
But your willful misunderstanding melts great caverns in me,
Sears my skin, Blackens my body.
Your eyes see right through all my defenses,
Revealing all of my inconsistancies, what little there are.
Weeping from the hurts, I pull myself together,
Draw my body into my mind. Reject you.
Distrust rises to the surface, emitting it's foul stench;
I don't trust you at all.
You betrayed me, showed my uncleanliness to the world.
When you had used me for all you purposes, and i was useless,
Youu abandoned me, leaving me on the ground like a hard, brittle shell.
You steped on me, and left me like dust on the floor,
Forever clinging to you.
it was fun writing that too.
__________________
Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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2004-05-26, 00:09
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Find a different word besides clammy. It stuck out and just didn't fit right at all. I can't think of another word right offhand, but that one just didn't work for me. Not too bad though so far. Keep going.  I like stuff like this and some at my forum do what they call concept writing where the different songs tell a story piece by piece. I think this is going that way. Cool.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2004-05-26, 20:15
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
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how does "blackend, scorched beyond relief" sound. i'mnot sure that fits either though.
__________________
Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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2004-05-26, 23:58
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Nah, I like the clammy idea. Just not that word. The other sounds to burnt and peeling.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2004-05-27, 01:02
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
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okay, how does, "cling to my cold, raw arms" sound. i think that's in the whole spirit of things.
__________________
Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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2004-05-27, 11:31
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Perfect!
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2004-05-27, 16:35
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I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
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Yeah, but I'd leave out the last line, it doesn't make much sense to me.
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.
 
This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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2004-05-27, 17:16
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
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you're right. i'm not sure why i wrote that in there, except that throughout the whole thing i'm holding on to her to be saved, but she's always trying to "knock me off" and i thought it fit. maybe not. i'm going to rework the whole thing. i also need to completely rewrite all of part three, it just doesn't fit anymore. it got all lovey dovey and nasty.
thanks y'all
__________________
Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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2004-05-27, 18:39
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I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
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__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.
This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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