[Serenity]

The noble people
living in peace and harmony
surviving on the land
enjoying the life they have

[Approach]

the land of the shades
now opens to this world
spewing forth demons
with a hunger for death

burning tellons, eyes
hooks and claws
beasts of nightmares,
marching forth (upon the land)

[Conflict]

warriors go forth
to battle the beasts
a conflict upon the hills
the whole valey could see

the beasts defeated them
then feasted on the carrion
then came down
and slaughtered the women

[Aftermath]

the village is burning
not a man left alive
women and clidren
raped and beaten, barely alive

the beasts return
from whence thay had came
only to return
and kill another day



** [ ] bits are to do with feeling of the song, and sound of guitars, e.g. Conflict is somewhat beefy, Aftermath is sad, etc. Also it doesnt really have a real title as its currently in the "rejected but not forgotten" stage

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I like it, well done! Sounds rather Deeds of Flesh or Psycroptic-ish..

I was thinking that too. Good stuff, BoC.

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It seemed kind of on the basic side to me in predictablity. The serenity and approach was good for setting the atmosphere. Conflict not bad, but you've said the women are slaughtered and then in the next part they're barely alive so i'm thinking that might need a little rewording. I played around with it a bit. I also got rid of the 2 alives in the same stanza.

the beasts defeated them
then feasted on the carrion
women and clidren
raped and beaten, barely alive

[Aftermath]

the village is burning
not a man left alive
then came down
and slaughtered who had survived

I sort of rearranged the last 2 lines of each of these stanzas and did a little word change. What do you think? Just some ideas.

For a title you could make up a name of a town as the first verse eludes to and then call it "The Ravage of such and such" or Such and such Ravaged" .

Only other comment I'd have is to check your spelling. There's a few errors there, but nothing major. And since this is an unsure piece, you might take the idea from each stanza and use that for an outline to develop more to the storyline. You can let your imagination wander then. You wouldn't have to do it with each part but scattered to gain more depth and interest.
Not bad though.

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i want to thank you all for reading it and your comments

ive got some good ideas, that will have to be considered, posibly as a themed series of songs that follow the story rather than the one we have, as it is kind of screwed

also, what you have done with the alive/alive bit is good, i was a bit concerned with it and didn't reread the song before i posted it (as i did it a while ago) and proof reading might be an idea in the future

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yeah, i find that whenever i post something, i'll look back over it right after i posted it and find all the errors i didn't find in the initial proof. i liked it though, if you could somehow make it darker, you might gt more of the effect you're looking for.

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