this is something i wrote a while ago, but i reworked it yesterday and i think i made it better. some thoughts on it would be great....it's what i would think the perfect place, or as perfect as it could get.

The Lake

A feathery mist rests gently on the lake’s surface,
Forming a grey shroud over its still waters.
The Moon traces her course across the midnight blue sky,
Until she stands at the horizon, looking longingly down.
She stares with her full, stone-white face at the water,
Giving her last harvest moon glory to the sleeping earth.
Running with silent feet, a fox darts into the dark, surreal trees,
Watching, waiting, seething with feral protectiveness.
Looming forebodingly like uniformed soldiers over the lake,
The dark green of yew and hemlock restore serenity.
A black bat dives from above; an arrow piercing the mist,
Ushering in the first weak rays of a dying sun.

...I am one with nature....
Not bad, but I did have a little cringe about calling the moon "she" and "her." The Earth if anything is "mother Earth" but I've never heard anyone use that term for the moon...

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Hey, if he wants the moon to be a she for a change what's yer problem with that? Are you turning into a conformist ??? Powers' ,I'm shocked !!! I'm going to tell the Grand Poobah here that you're getting old and set in your ways !
rant over....


A feathery mist rests gently on the lake’s surface,--good
Forming a grey shroud over its still waters.--good
The Moon traces her course across the midnight blue sky,--good
Until she stands at the horizon, looking longingly down.--not down, use across. It gives a more expansive idea of vision, I think, especially since SHE'S (looks at P'O'T' ) on the horizon. And it makes the next line beautifully picturesque.
She stares with her full, stone-white face at the water,--love that part!
Giving her last harvest moon glory to the sleeping earth.
Running with silent feet, a fox darts into the dark, surreal trees,
Watching, waiting, seething with feral protectiveness.--cool imagery.
Looming forebodingly like uniformed soldiers over the lake,
The dark green of yew and hemlock restore serenity.--I think I'd reverse those previous 2 lines for flow reasons.
A black bat dives from above; an arrow piercing the mist,
Ushering in the first weak rays of a dying sun.--The moon is setting but the sun is dying. That threw me off a little. Maybe something needs to be said somewhere about why it's dying. Or something needs to bring it full circle. I'm not real sure how to do that.

All in all I thought you had some good stuff here. You have a good setting to work more of a story into if you'd choose to. Got any pieces laying around about rivals or warriors that could iginite in battle for the glory of the sun or moon . And maybe save the sun's life since it's dying? Or even a not so mythological thing.

Sounds like a great spot to go fishin' actually. And I'm ready for that.

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"I did have a little cringe about calling the moon 'she' and 'her.'" this is supposed to convey a "motherly" feeling, but not the nice motherly feeling that you're thinking of. this is more of a "I know what's best for you; why don't you do it?" type of feeling.

"Until she stands at the horizon, looking longingly down.--not down, use across." i used down and "stone-white face" to convey that many people look on this "world" if you may, as morbid, unnatural, and they just plain don't like it, they would rather hear about fluffy bunnies and grass and flowers and stuff....but they're never going to get a "perfect" world, so when i call this MY "perfect" world, they are repulsed because they can't imagine why someone would want a world like that.

"a dying sun..."it's supposed to show the weakness and corruption of many of the powers above us (authority). and how all things can become corrupt and that all the things of this world are eventually going to die off, even the most powerful of them. it's also that the light that the sun emits is very weak, and almost powerless, like it has no power to change the setting, it will always be dark and quiet...

i was thinkin' about bringing in some daemons and shades that wander the land... maybe a lone man dressed in black, moving silently, stealthily through the dark... eventually setting his eyes upon the lake and maybe dying, or being betrayed...swords even.....
i'm not sure..

Hmm, well if you're going withthe disapproval of mother idea for the moon , yes, I would use down. I can see a woman in the moon looking down a narrow pointed nose with a look of disgust. So I gotcha there.

I don't know about the characters. Maybe they should just be the moon and sun as the characters although a shadow could be one too. Not really male or female or even a specific shape. Something that's just there.

Thanks for the indepth explanation. It's appreciated.

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yeah, i'm sensin' a definite battle between dark and light...maybe they could reconcile with each other and change the world to grey...cold and lifeless...no longer giving any impression that it was even once inhabited. i'm also trying for the kinda surreal, everythings "not quite right" and just everythings distorted...like a dream
thanks for the comments though