2007-03-08, 05:02
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Behind you! Boo!
Posts: 879
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My god have we stepped back in time?? Jokes about dead babies and Ethiopians they were doing the rounds when I was a school kid(and we all know how long ago that was)  Doesn't anybody know any 'new' 'funny' ones? 
If this carries on I'll be forced to dig out the mother-in-law gags or the 'Your mum's so fat...'
A man runs an affluent restaurant in a posh, well to do area. One day a tramp staggers in. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Five minutes later another tramp wonders in, again the owner runs over to shoo him out the building.
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Another five minutes elapses and another tramp appears through the door. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
He gives him a fork and the tramp exits the diner.
Five more minutes passes and yet another tramp enters.
"Don't tell me" says the proprietor "you want a fork"
"No" replies the tramp,” I’d like a straw please"
"A straw? But why? All the others asked for a fork?"
"Yes well" said the tramp "That's because someone’s been sick outside and all the best lumpy bits have gone"
Last edited by Dahmers Fridge : 2007-03-08 at 08:30.
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2007-03-08, 07:01
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6 lvl 80's sucka.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Posts: 2,482
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__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
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2007-03-09, 05:36
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,139
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Well to be blunt and honest, I'm quite dissapointed...alot of these jokes are just downright fucking lame  oh well...maybe we'll get somebody who is truly disgusting posting in here soon  in the meantime heres a stupid joke...
What's the difference between a bass and a wife?
You can slap your bass all you want, but it still won't make you dinner 
~Cheers 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2007-03-09, 06:25
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Behind you! Boo!
Posts: 879
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Groan 
Let me blow the dust off these relics....
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only need to punch the information into a computer once.
What's the difference between a woman and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own.
Why didn't Myra Hindley like going for picnics on the moors?
The kids got under her feet.
Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make?
What do you do if you find a woman in your living room?
Shorten the chain that attaches her to the kitchen sink.
What do you call the bit of skin around a vagina?
A woman.
What's the definition of a vagina?
It's a box your penis comes in.
You can tell I'm a modern 21st century guy
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia
I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.
Are these old enough and shite enough? |
2007-03-09, 17:13
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Antwerp
Posts: 1,472
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Quote:
What do you call the bit of skin around a vagina?
Woman
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Michel Houllebecq baby.
__________________
So this Georgian Olympian runs into a bar
Aosoth - New album III out now on Agonia Recs
Epoch - bass, guitars, drums, MetaStasizing out asap
Asphixa - bass, demo out asap
Adustum - bass, guitars, full length out soon on XXXXXXXXXX recs
Quote:
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Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.
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2007-03-09, 23:31
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,511
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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
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2007-03-10, 01:31
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FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 3,004
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Fuck, I have all of those symptoms all the time. I'm dead.
__________________
DETH TOLL!!!
Keep checking for new crap.
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Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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2007-03-10, 02:08
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Behind you! Boo!
Posts: 879
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What do you do if a bird shits on your windshield?
Don't take her out again!
What's green, has a thousand legs and an IQ 0f 10?
A St Patrick's day parade.
Now that one is real ancient and arse 
Jesus walks into a hotel and put's four nails on the reception counter, he asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
I have even crapper, do you wish me to continue?
What's the difference between Londerners and Smarties?
Smarties don't go bang in the tube!
(for those that need help it's reference to the London bombings on July 7th 2005)
Last edited by Dahmers Fridge : 2007-03-10 at 02:10.
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2007-03-10, 02:55
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Sault, MI
Posts: 856
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Ok, but what the fuck are Smarties?
__________________
"I think we're already 'circling the drain' as a species, and I'd love to see the circles get a little faster and a little shorter."
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2007-03-10, 03:06
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,511
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M&M's but better.
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2007-03-10, 03:08
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Post-whore
Banned
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sydney, Aus
Posts: 2,046
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2007-03-10, 03:47
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Antwerp
Posts: 1,472
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Dahmers Fridge
I have even crapper, do you wish me to continue? |
YES, YES, YES!
__________________
So this Georgian Olympian runs into a bar
Aosoth - New album III out now on Agonia Recs
Epoch - bass, guitars, drums, MetaStasizing out asap
Asphixa - bass, demo out asap
Adustum - bass, guitars, full length out soon on XXXXXXXXXX recs
Quote:
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Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.
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2007-03-10, 05:27
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Behind you! Boo!
Posts: 879
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Ok you asked for it, now these are positively prehistoric and very crap!
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Why doesn't Ronald Reagan play badminton?
He can't keep the shuttle up.(obviously he wasn't dead back then)
How do they know the shuttle crew had dandruff?
They found their head and shoulders in the sea.
Rose West may win her appeal for murder, turns out Fred West got his top soil from Lockerby.
What's white and skims across water at 200mph?
Lord Mountbatten’s trainers.
What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of afterbirth?
You can't gargle a bucket of sand.
Whats the best thing about fucking twentyeight year olds?
There's twenty of them.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a lesbian from Pakistan?
Mingeater
What do you call a police grass from Pakistan?
Wassim
Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
IT JUST FUCKING DOES OK!!!!!!!
Why was the supermodel staring at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate' on the carton.
What's got four legs and goes woof?
Piper Alpha (for you Americans:it was an oil rig that blew up)
What's Freddie Mercury's boyfriend getting for christmas this year?
A smaller turkey.
What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.
How many Beatles can you get in a small car?
Four, one in the front, one in the back and two in the ashtray.
For fans of Paul Gad......
.....This Christmas the Vietnamese people aren't going to put up decorations, they're just going to hang Glitter.
Gary Glitter got a 4 month sentence, he was out after 2 months, that suited him as he likes half terms!
That's enough now
Last edited by Dahmers Fridge : 2007-03-10 at 05:50.
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2007-03-10, 23:44
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,139
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What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.
What's the difference between 3 dollars and Princess Di?
It's easier to scrape 3 dollars together.
Did you know that Diana had Blue eyes?
...One blew out the left window and the other out the right window.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes can easily reach 40.
What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
What was the last thing that went through her head right before the accident?
The clutch.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2007-03-11, 22:29
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Death to all but metal!
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Highway to the Danger Zone
Posts: 6,028
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Dahmers Fridge
My god have we stepped back in time?? Jokes about dead babies and Ethiopians they were doing the rounds when I was a school kid(and we all know how long ago that was) Doesn't anybody know any 'new' 'funny' ones?
If this carries on I'll be forced to dig out the mother-in-law gags or the 'Your mum's so fat...'
A man runs an affluent restaurant in a posh, well to do area. One day a tramp staggers in. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Five minutes later another tramp wonders in, again the owner runs over to shoo him out the building.
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Another five minutes elapses and another tramp appears through the door. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
He gives him a fork and the tramp exits the diner.
Five more minutes passes and yet another tramp enters.
"Don't tell me" says the proprietor "you want a fork"
"No" replies the tramp,” I’d like a straw please"
"A straw? But why? All the others asked for a fork?"
"Yes well" said the tramp "That's because someone’s been sick outside and all the best lumpy bits have gone" |
Hahahahah!!! Nice!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
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2007-03-11, 22:41
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Sault, MI
Posts: 856
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by problematic
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Non-Americans should have to pay a tax just for living in a lesser civilization.
__________________
"I think we're already 'circling the drain' as a species, and I'd love to see the circles get a little faster and a little shorter."
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2007-03-11, 22:43
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Sault, MI
Posts: 856
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Yep, Dahmer's Fridge told a dandy there!
__________________
"I think we're already 'circling the drain' as a species, and I'd love to see the circles get a little faster and a little shorter."
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2007-03-12, 02:14
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,139
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by problematic
Americans should be shot.
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I second that
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2007-03-12, 03:20
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,062
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Here's another old one.
What's grey and smells like curry?
John Major's dick.
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2007-03-12, 22:26
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,139
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An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."
(No really offensive Indian jokes please, my gf is native...she made me type that lol)
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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