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  #1  
Old 2007-03-06, 23:26
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking Sick/Twisted/Disgusting/Morbid/Morose Jokes

So there are obviously alot of metalheads in this forum...I'm pretty sure we all like disgusting jokes, am I right? Well I thought I'd start a thread, created specifically for sick/twisted/disgusting/morbid and morose jokes... the type that make you want to vomit and laugh at the same time. I'm talking death, pedophilia, necrophilia, rape etc etc... (You get the idea) ANYTHING goes! Just be creative, I want to see some really twisted shit!!!

Have fun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #2  
Old 2007-03-06, 23:39
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CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
 
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What do you do after having sex?

Cover her up and hand her her stuffed Care Bear.
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DETH TOLL!!!

Keep checking for new crap.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #3  
Old 2007-03-07, 00:21
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BassBehemoth BassBehemoth is offline
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What would you call The Flintstones if they were black?


Niggers.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moe_blunts
you done told me lots of thangs bout beer n shit and canada. have a grand ol cunt of a good time.


RIP moe.
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  #4  
Old 2007-03-07, 00:41
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CannibalXampire CannibalXampire is offline
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What do you get when you light a baby on fire and throw him down a staircase?
An erection.
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HAI GAIZ! U CAN BE IMPRESSED I DO DRUGS NOW?!
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  #5  
Old 2007-03-07, 01:02
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CannibalXampire
What do you get when you light a baby on fire and throw him down a staircase?
An erection.

Hahaha
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Mr. Budd on Relapse explaining LDOH's IAHC Mcd: "It sounds like an inside-out gorilla eating 50 babies a minute."
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  #6  
Old 2007-03-07, 01:17
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Infinity Infinity is offline
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whats 18 inches long and makes your mother scream all night?
SIDS

whats blue and crawls?
a baby in a plastic bag

whats red and sits in the corner/what sits in front of a mirror and gets smaller
a baby shaving its head with a potato peeler

how do you get a baby out a blender
a straw

what do you get when you're killing babies?
a boner

whats yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
a baby with slashed floaties

whats green and sits at the bottom of a pool?
same baby 2 weeks later

whats the best thing about a baby learning to crawl?
if they can crawl they can assume the position

whats the best thing about fucking an 8 yr old in the shower?
when her hairs wet she looks six

whats the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
putting the nappy back on

whats easier to get out the back of a truck - furniture or dead babies?
dead babies because you can use a pitchfork

whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
you dont come on an apple before you eat it

etc. ad infinitum.
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  #7  
Old 2007-03-07, 02:28
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blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
What do you do after having sex?

Cover her up and hand her her stuffed Care Bear.

lmao


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one

Last edited by blitz906 : 2007-03-07 at 02:32.
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  #8  
Old 2007-03-07, 02:35
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blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"



A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"



What's black and bobs up and down in a baby's crib?
Michael Jacksons ass.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #9  
Old 2007-03-07, 03:13
mrs. malicious's Avatar
mrs. malicious mrs. malicious is offline
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hahaha oh this is great. MORE
p.s. i can't think of any right now..... :<
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-/caitlin\-

im in ur srvr
eatin ur dataz

Quote:
Originally Posted by CannibalXampire
doom metal tries to invoke the feeling of being a really fat guy stuck in the trash compactor from Star Wars IV
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  #10  
Old 2007-03-07, 03:22
IRON90's Avatar
IRON90 IRON90 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz906
A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Mohahaha!
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  #11  
Old 2007-03-07, 03:32
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fatdanny fatdanny is offline
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What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil was the first man to walk on the moon , Michael Jackson fucks kids.


A man walks into a doctor's and says, "I'd like to book an HIV test for my daughter."
"OK," the doctor replies, "can I ask how old she is?"
"She's eleven"
"OK, and is she sexually active?"
"Oh no, not at all. She just lies there and takes it like her mum."


What do you do to a deaf, dumb girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
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  #12  
Old 2007-03-07, 04:20
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blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

What did the crippled, deaf, blind boy get for Christmas?
Cancer!

What did Mike Tyson give his wife for Valentines day?
A head start!

What's the difference between my bathroom and the trunk of my car?
I don't have a dead hooker in my bathroom!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #13  
Old 2007-03-07, 04:21
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together,but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other. On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!". The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.

That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #14  
Old 2007-03-07, 06:33
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problematic problematic is offline
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The old joke thread had a tonne of supreme quality morbid jokes.

Here's some more crappy jokes:

Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.



Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone box?
A: Use a liquidiser.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.
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  #15  
Old 2007-03-07, 07:29
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by problematic
Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone box?
A: Use a liquidiser.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.


Sorry man, but that's shit lol...the original was supposed to be :

How do you get 100 Mexicans into a car? With a blender.
How do you get them out? Doritos!

A similar joke...

How do you get 100 Jews into a car? Throw a quarter in.
How do you get them out? Tell them it's a Volkswagen
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #16  
Old 2007-03-07, 09:17
IRON90's Avatar
IRON90 IRON90 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Somewhere over the fucking rainbow (Sweden)
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Hey here's some old shit that I heard.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a firefighter and a pyromaniac?
A: When there's a big fire the firefighter isn't masturbating.
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  #17  
Old 2007-03-07, 09:22
blizzard_beast blizzard_beast is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fatdanny
What do you do to a deaf, dumb girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.


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  #18  
Old 2007-03-07, 13:29
drawn&quartered's Avatar
drawn&quartered drawn&quartered is offline
Too _____, wouldn't fuck
 
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How do you make a dead baby float?


Take your foot of its head.





Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babys?


I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
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I dont have any funny quotes

NEGROGENESIS


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  #19  
Old 2007-03-07, 13:48
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JAMF JAMF is offline
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Dead baby jokes are old.
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  #20  
Old 2007-03-07, 14:29
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Slabbefusk Slabbefusk is offline
FUCKING HOFF-STYLE!!!!!!!
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to a bumper...

How do you make a kid cry even more after molesting it?
You wipe your bloody dick with the kids favourite stuff animal.

Whats the best thing about fucking 21-year olds?
THERES TWENTY OF THEM!

Whats red, covered in pus and screaming?
A skinless baby in a bag of salt.

- Hey Jack, could you coach the cheerleading squad this thursday?
- Is there any chance I'd get laid?
- Jack?! Theyr'e TWELVE years old!
- So is that a yes or..?

This guy is getting down on his girl who has a period. Someone knocks on the door, and the guy who is all bloody in the face goes to open it:
- Holy shit what have you done to your face!?
- I ran into a fucking door...
- Well must've been the toilet-door because you have shit on your chin...

Two guys are sitting in a pool when some semen reaches the surface:
- Are you jacking off!?
- NO! I farted...

What do you do with a deaf-mute girl who you just raped?
You break her fingers so she can't tell.

A homo who has just lost his significant other is at the hospital:
- Could I like, make minced meat sauce of of him?
- No, why would you do that?
- I just want to feel him come out of my ass for the last time...
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