this probably has been done before, but we could all use a chuckle or two. also, the jokes can be racsist, just as long as the punch line isnt "BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL NIGGERS" or anything to that extent.

whats the difference between a jew and a conoe?

conoes can tip


here is my favorite one:

donald rumsfeld is briefing the presdient. he tells them that there was a problem down in south america and 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in the conflict. immediatley, bush puts his head in his hands and looks all upset.

this really moves his cabinet. after a few minutes rumsfeld asks him if he is okay.

bush responds by saying "how many is a brazillion???"

Boy walks in on his mom taking a bath and says, "Mommy....what is that?"
Covering herself she says, "It's my little black sponge...now run along!"

Later that afternoon the boy brings a friend in the house and says, "Mommy....show Billy your little black sponge."
Embarrassed...she says, "I lost it...now go play."

That night...Mommy was at work and called home to check on things...her son answered and excitedly yelled, "Mommy...Mommy! I found your little black sponge."

Puzzled....mom said, "Ok...where is it wise guy?"

He replied, "It's upstairs...the maid is washing daddys face with it"

I can't stop laughing.

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the best part of any joke is the delivery. always. a great comedian can make a shit joke sound funny or a good joke sound bad if he sucks

this is lost when jokes are in text

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Word.

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1st smart thing ive ever heard you say/type........just playing.

COULDNT AGREE MORE

My favorite are the Mitch Hedberg ones, blissfully lame in my opinion.

I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me right because she said, "how would you like your eggs?" I tried to answer anyway: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, that's gonna take a while. I don't have time. I guess scrambled."

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^RIP man

anyways,

this penguin has something wrong with his car, so he takes it to teh walrus mechanic. the mechanic tells him it'll be about an hour, so the penguin decides to go get his favorite food, ice cream. At the ice cream shop, he orders 2 huge sundaes with lots of whip cream and sprinkles and just decks teh bitches out. he returns in an hour and the mecahnic tells him

"looks like you just blew a seal"
the penguin responds

"actually, i just had a sundae"

Some jokes work better in text, and any joke can work in text. The things that require good delivery aren't usually jokes, strictly speaking. Very few comedians tell jokes.

I may fuck this one up.

A southern trucker is driving down a road. while he is driving, he sees a black man trying to hitchhike. The trucker pulls to the side, and runs the black man over. As he drives some more, he finds another black man on the road. The trucker does the same thing.

Later, the trucker finds a white priest trying to get a ride. The trucker kindly picks him up.

As the two of them cruised down the road, the trucker spotted another black man, but hesitated to run him over because of the priest right next to him. As he approached the black man, the priest opened his door and hit the black man with the door. The trucker looked at the priest witha suprised look on his face.

And the priest said, "Whoo, that was close. You almost missed one."

Q: Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?

A: Because he leaves a residue at every pole.

Boom, boom.

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Meh.

I like dead baby jokes and the Chuck Norris ones.

Whats funner than an Xbox and a Live conection?
A baby and a pellet gun.

Shit like that, but funnier.

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Oh, those aren't jokes.

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What does anal sex and spinach have in common....?


If it is forced upon you whan you are a child, you probably will not like it as you grow older.

Ouch.

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yes they are all true

try telling a joke monotone, and then tell the same joke with umph. it's not the joke, its how you tell it. and comedians do tell jokes, just long ones, normally anecdotes or just make silly observations.

The best comedians - to this critic at least - don't tell jokes. If I wanted to experience an endles supply of "Did you hear about the..." or "There was an Englishman, Iriashman and Scotsman..." I'd buy The Bumper book of Pub Jokes Vol. 7. Anecdotes and observations are not jokes otherwise they would be labelled as such.

Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

A. He works it out with a pencil.

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A woman has gotten interested in ice fishing, so her husband decides to buy her a full set of equipment for aforesaid activity.
A nice winter day dawns and she decide it's time to try it out, but before she leaves her husband says "It's very cold today, so I think you should take this with you" and hands her a bottle of liqour. She is a bit doubtful since she isn't very used to alcohol, but she thanks him and leaves.
After only a short while she notice that is very cold today, so she takes a little sip from the bottle. But soon thereafter she feels too cold again, so she decides to drain the bottle, and immeadietly feels a lot better.
A while later she gets out on the ice and starts drilling a hole. But then she hears a voice, a deep, resonant voice, saying:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
She starts and looks around, but can't see anyone. Strange... but she moves over a little bit and tries again, but lo! The disembodied voice once more tell her:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
What can this be? But if at first you don't succed... she moves a bit further and give it another try, and sure as anything, the voice once again proclaims:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
She stands up and stare straight ahead, and with a voice trembling with awe and newfound clarity asks:
"Is this God Father Himself that is talking to me?"
And indeed, the voice answers her:
"No, this is the janitor at the ice stadium"

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A joke has a certain structure; Mansley's been giving us some in the most stripped down version of that structure. That's what makes it possible for jokes to work in print, because we can follow the progression with a knowing eye and chuckle when we see the punchline. It's also what makes it clear that very few stand-up comedians tell jokes, and even then mess self-consciously with the structure in doing so. Very little of what's funny is to be found in what are jokes in a strict sense.

as much as i enjoy the whole philosophy and mind set of being a comedian, id rather just hear jokes....

Nah, standup comedy is the shit.

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who said it wasnt.........

david cross \m/
carlin
hedberg
lewis black
and i like bill mahr, even though a lot of peeps dont

Stand up comedy rules. I've been writting shit for a routine lately. I though of something good last night, but I was too lazy to write it down.

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Sweet, if you ever perform it, catch it on video and post it.

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The funniest comedians I've ever seen were Canadians that nobody's ever heard of. Kerry Unger for one. Anyone heard of him?

(and by Canadian comedians I don't mean Brent Butt, my fuck he's overrated)

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haha, definitly

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um, bill hicks

RIP

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People blamed the employer for the deaths of the immigrant cockle-pickers at Morecambe Bay however, he had implemented a safety system for that type of event.

He said that when the water was upto knee high, then they should return to the dry land.

Unfortunately for the workers, Nee-Hai was on the shore having his lunch.

Tasteless, but amusing

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Parents teach their kids to walk and talk the for three years and another 15 telling them to sit down and shut up.


No wonder were all fucked.

Heheh

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Two quadriplegics walk into a bar.

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Hahahahaha. Terrible.

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I got wally a "Bob walks into a bar" t-shirt. Same idea.

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Hes not overated just because he has a show.

I like Jeremy Hotz (I think thats how you spell it.) Hedberg, Carlin, Black, Chapel etc, theyre all good.

Theres something about women comedians that just insnt funny. A couple are good, but alot of them are just "My husband is soooooo stupid etc etc" jokes.

powersofterror walks into a bar.
He walks out drunk and wanting to hear Symbolic from Death.

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I'm not calling him overrated because he has a show, I know not to judge his comedy in total from a T.V. show, I saw plenty of his specials and stand-up acts. He is funny, I like him, but he's really overrated because so many people think he's one of the funniest comedians, some even see him as the funniest Canadian comedian, but I've seen so many people funnier than him. Again, He is funny, but there are so many people funnier than him, and he is overrated.

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I know exactly what you mean, but I've actually seen a few really funny comedians. Nikki Payne for example. My fuck, that woman's hilarious.

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This guy's hilarious.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...+peters&pl=true

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Darring, a triple post!

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

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haha fantastic

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Q: why do cowgirls walk bull-legged


A: because the cowboys eat with their hats on




yay.

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This thread just keeps getting better!

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Do you know how they call Jew's boobs?
































Joobs.





hoohoohoohoo.

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A child and a man are walking through the forest, hand in hand. The child says "Mister, these woods are scary. Im scared!"
And the guy goes "YOURE Scared? How do you think I feel, Ive got to walk back through here on my own!"


(Paraphrased.)

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haha

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-A baby harp seal walks into a CLUB.

-Two morticians were talking and one says you have to come in the back room! Theres a female corpse with a prawn sticking out of her vagina! The other says WHAT? So he goes back and looks. He says that not a prawn you idiot, thats her clitoris. The other replied well it sure tasted like a prawn.


-A guy is screwing this girl and she says excuse me, but isnt it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? The man replies well yeah...but isnt presumptuous a big word for a first grader to be using?

-Two men are talking at work and one says the reason Paul isnt at work today is because hes home sick from a hangover, he was blowing chunks all night. The other man said he stood home just because he was blowing chunks? The other man replied you dont understand, chunks is his dog.

-A man is taking a shower with is 6 year old daughter when she asks, daddy, whats that between your legs? Thats a penis honey he replies. When am I gonna get one of those? she asks. He replied As soon as mommy goes to the mall.

-A man comes home drunk one night when he decides to go under the bed covers to orally satisfy his wife. After that, he decides to wash the unpleasent taste from his mouth. As he goes to the bathroom he sees his wife sitting on the toliet. He asks in amazement, how did you beat me into the bathroom? She replies, quiet, you'll wake your mother, shes spending the night.

I got more I'll probraley put up later.

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Oh man! The Grandma one is raunchy!

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Ouuuch

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Morbid, sexually grotesque..... I love it all.

What do brussel sprouts and pubic hair have in common......
........you push 'em to one side and carry on eating!


A guy phones up work sick.
"Sick! again!", yells his boss. "That's the 4th time this month! Just how sick are you!"
"Well" replies the employee,"I'm in bed with my 7 year old sister!"

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Oh!!!! Hahah gross but hilarious!!!!

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Did you hear about the lady that backed into the fan? It made a disasster, it Dis Assed Her!

A horrible horrible joke, but Beverly Hills Ninja is still an awesome movie.

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Q:Whats long,black and smelly?
A:The welfare line.

Q:How do you know an aboriginal has been in your house?
A:Your cars fuel has been syphoned,your dogs pregnant and your thongs are gone.

Q:How do you knowe if an asian has been in your house?
Your math homework is done,windows has been upgraded and there is a dog in the microwave.
Q:What do you say when your television is floating in the air in the middle of the night?
Arop it,nigger.

ahahaha so true

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I think i posted this somewhere ages ago



What does a 2 year old's cunt smell like?


*Holds out fingers*

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Ah... hahaaha o man...

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My favourite:
Q: Whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
A: You don't cum on an apple before you eat it.

Q: whats the best thing about fucking an 8 year old in the shower?
A: When her hair's wet she looks six.

A man goes into the doctors,
Man: I would like to book an AIDS test for my daughter.
Doctor: Erm... ok, we can do that. How old is your daughter?
M: Oh, she'll be eleven next week.
D: Eleven? Is she sexually active?
M: No, she usually just lies there and takes it like her mum.

I might get this wrong my english isn't great But i'll try



little red riding hood is walking through a forest and meets the big bad wolf. so she asks:"why are your teeth so big ?". the wolf replies "So It's easier to eat things" Then the girl asks: "Why do you have such big claws ?" the wolf replies " So it's easier to grab things ?" Then the little girl asks "Why do you have such big eyes ?" the wolf replies "Shut up kid I'm trying to take a dump"

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Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably....

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant!

A nice little limerick:

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'

[You have to pronounce 'z' the American way, i.e. 'zee']

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Uh.... umm... ha?

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I guess it's a little specialist...

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Hehehe i don't really understand the joke but it sounds kinda funny when you say :

"Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'"

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i didnt get the math, but i got the limerick pattern.

Q: what do you call a frozen lesbian?
A: a klondyke

Q: Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A: Eventually, the canoe will tip

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Not my favorite, but I decided to tell it today:

Q: What are three things a black man can't get?

A: A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

ZING.

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HAHAHA lmao good one

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haha i like the limerick thanks to the curent calc class im in...
how do you say z? 'zed'?

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This is my own..

What do you call a nation with an all black government?

A third world country.


An old joke around here..

What do you call two black guys riding two bicycles next to one another.

Organized Crime.

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Here's a long one.

A guy was walking down the street and was looking for a root.There were no ladies working the corner,so he decided to go into a strip club.He walks up to the counter and asks the man,
'Im looking for a root,give me your best ladie'.
And the guy replys
'I havent got any ladies,but I do have some chickens.'
So the guy though,oh well,its worth a try.So he goes and trys out the chicken and its the best root he ever had.
The guy came back the next day,and asked for the chicken.
'sorry we havent got any chickens left,but you can watch two lesbians go at it for half the price'.
So he agrees,and goes into a cubicle with a little peephole,and watches the two lesbians.
Afterwards,he leaves the cubicle and says to the guy next to him
'Wow,that was great.Ive never seen anything like it'
the other guy says
'You thought tonight was good,yesterday it was some guy fucking a chicken.

We say 'Zed' in Australia,so I guess they do in the UK.

Hahahaha nice one!!!

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after a bank robbery today, police are looking for a man with a red bike...
... if they don't find him soon, they will use a car.

one day a duck walks into a bar, and orders a drink. the barman, obviously curious, asks him what he's doing in the town. "oh im just over the road doing a bit of plastering for mrs jones, im on my lunch break" says the duck, before taking a table in the corner, and sitting down.
a short while later, a man walks in, and orders a drink. he and the barman get talking, and the man says he is with the circus, who are just passing through the town. the barman leans in and says "this is just your day, in the corner over there, eating his sandwiches, is a talking duck!"
so the man walks over to the duck and says, "i hope you dont mind me interrupting your lunch, but I have a proposition. how would you like to see the world, travelling all over the place. how would you like to be rich beyond your wildest dreams, be famous throughout the country! how would you like to join my circus?"
the duck looks at him, pondering the offer
"join the circus right?"
"yes!"
"the circus has tents right?"
"yes"
"so what d'you want with a plasterer?"

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If you don't like racist jokes DO NOT read this.. I got these on http://www.tightrope.cc/jokes.htm That site has ALOT more jokes like these..

What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.

What's long and black and smells like shit?
The welfare line.

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hahahahaha! awesome.

Those racist jokes are absolutely hilarious.

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Yup.

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Is it just me or is Z pronounced "Zee" only in the US?

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A couple Michael Jackson ones:

Why does Michael Jackson like twentyeight year olds?




Theres 20 of them.


What does Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?




The meat is 46 years old and its between 10 year old buns.


What are 3 items that can be found in a Boy Scout tent?


A flashlight, a frog and Michael Jackson.

And just another one I know:


A hippie and a nun are on a bus and the hippie asks her can I have sex with you? The nun says no and slaps him. They both get off the bus since it was the last stop. The bus driver tells the hippie you can still have a chance with her, she goes to the cemetary everynight to pray. The hippie says ok then Ill be there. Later that night, the hippie sees her praying and he puts on a good costume and says, "I am God and will grant you 3 wishes but you have to have sex with me first." The nun says "ok but only anal because I still want to be a virgin." The hippie said ok. After he was done having sex the hippie takes off his costume and says "Haha, Im the hippie from the bus". The nun takes off her costume and says "haha, Im the busdriver."

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That last one was awesome

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5667 those were some good jokes.

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.

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how do u turn a fruit into a vegetable??

AIDS!

Hahahahaha!

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ima try to bring htis thread back beacasue i need more jokes.

anyways, its not really a joke but terminology for all you disturbed cunts out there.

vaganus-when a girl has a baby and her gooch/taint rips

What's funnier than a dead baby sitting in the middle of the room?

A dead baby sitting in the middle of the living room next to a kid with Down's Syndrome.

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2 guys are flying and one of em says My mother has a Pink House

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old one:

what do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?

A boner.

what did the bathtub say to the toilet?


i may not get as much ass as you but at least i dont have to take any shit.

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Ooh Hoo, that's a knee slapper.

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Okay, despite my bad english, i'll try this one;

-How do you get to make cry a little girl that is already crying?
-You wash up your bloody dick on her favorite doll.

yeah thats a classic, similar to:

How do you make a woman scream twice?

Wipe your shitty dick on the curtains

An aborigional goes into a store and askes the storekeeper
"i want a job, do you have any?"

The storekeeper replies
"Yes, one just opened up, it pays $80,000 a year for 10 hours a week"

the aborigional says
"your shitting me?"

the store keeper says
"well you lied to me first"

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Hahaha.

There's an accident in the forest.Two turtles crashed against each
other.The police ask a snail,who is the only eye-witness,to tell them
what happened.The snail says : I don't know it all happened too fast.

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About Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the spread scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

It would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico, but as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. JohnHolland is a confederate weiner. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".

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LB, jokes are'nt funny unless there are mentions of genitalia. Or ethnicity.

Mutual relationships. Get it?

JH, oh okay, I'll edit it. thanks.


And clean out your pms, honkie!!!!!!

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i wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself

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