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  #1  
Old 2006-01-06, 22:51
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Infinity Infinity is offline
Life is pain.
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Beauty

3 months now,
Thought you were gone,
But I saw your face,
And now I know,
I'm still broken,
From long ago.
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  #2  
Old 2006-01-06, 23:12
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Uhhmmm....
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  #3  
Old 2006-01-06, 23:46
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something like this undoubtedly has much personal value but should probably be kept to yourself. i certianly cant appreciate what it is that you appreciate about this , and theres not a hell of a lot to critique so...
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  #4  
Old 2006-01-07, 10:08
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Ooo, I can. Sometimes hurts from love of many kinds take a long time to heal. I liked the brevity of this and yet I feel it's packed with emotion. Nice one.
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  #5  
Old 2006-01-07, 10:55
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I liked this alot and I normally dont like what I write alot. But I do like this alot
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  #6  
Old 2006-01-07, 12:28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinity
I liked this alot and I normally dont like what I write alot. But I do like this alot


well obviously.... you connected many of your own emotions with ths piece of poetry.... but you should go into your inner thoughts more deeply, instead of writing just 6 lines....

I''m not saying that a long piece is a good piece, but for a topic you have chosen it is best to go into more detail or use more metaphors...
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  #7  
Old 2006-01-07, 13:21
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That's an idea. Keep this piece as it's quite good, but use it for an outline to get something with more depth of description. Go the step beyond. It may turn into verses for a song with this as a chorus or a different type of piece entirely.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #8  
Old 2006-01-08, 08:36
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Hmm, but you know I think this says really all that needs to be said!
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  #9  
Old 2006-01-08, 09:23
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If you're completely satisfied with it that's all that really matters.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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