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  #1  
Old 2005-10-09, 00:39
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Jacob Jacob is offline
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Tomb

Darkness plagues my eyes
Putrid flesh drips down on me
Tomb of death
No chance of salvation

No remorse I have
For my victims
Death, Small price to pay
For pleasured outcomes

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you

Piercing silence
Time has stopped
You reach for help
Then your mine

Inhale the carrion
As you die
Subdued by rapture
Decency I defy

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you
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  #2  
Old 2005-10-09, 00:45
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KILL KILL KILL!
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  #3  
Old 2005-10-09, 00:46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulinsane
KILL KILL KILL!

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  #4  
Old 2005-10-09, 11:22
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KILL KILL KILL


Oops, I got carried away. Soulinsane is creating mass hysteria. "Here comes the cavalry." **

I didn't like the word putrid in the second line because I've read that word in so many pieces like this it's got mold on it.

In the second verse the line --No remorse I have ---sounds awkward to me. I put sentences together sort of like that sometimes, but I think it would sound better as No remorse have I or I have no remorse. The first one being my preference.

The repeated parts that begin -- My hands are God -- were really good at conveying and summing up the power of the verses.

Pretty cool piece.

** from "I Know What I Like In Your Wardrobe" by Genesis, Selling England By the Pound.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2005-10-09, 12:03
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Darkness plagues my eyes
Liquid flesh rains down on me
Welcome to my tomb of death
No chance of salvation

No remorse have I
For my victims
Death, Small price to pay
For pleasured outcomes

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you

Piercing silence
Time has stopped
You reach for help
Then you're mine

Inhale the carrion
As you die
Subdued by rapture
Decency I defy

My hands are God
Life I drew
Staring eyes
Fear instilled in you


Better?
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Last edited by Jacob : 2005-10-09 at 12:45.
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  #6  
Old 2005-10-09, 12:13
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Yes, that was very good. Small error in the fourth line of the fourth verse. It should be you're instead of your, but that's all I saw wrong.

Do you like it like that now?
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #7  
Old 2005-10-09, 12:51
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Yea, thanks
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  #8  
Old 2005-10-09, 13:02
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Glad to help out.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #9  
Old 2005-10-09, 13:18
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Pretty well written piece, I think it will do well in a HM environment.
Don't take this wrong, but I was wondering where you get the inspiration to these kind of lyrics from?
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"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
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"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #10  
Old 2005-10-09, 13:29
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This one was a lot of places and movies, just kinda shaped it into a general idea. The movie fear.com (movie fucking sucked) but there was that doctor that would do experiments on and sutff. I just got a vision of a big sewer type place were someone has lots of bodies and stuff. Nothing fancy. Why you ask?
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  #11  
Old 2005-10-09, 15:23
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Psychology studies.
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Listening to Slipknot and cutting yourself is ridiculous
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #12  
Old 2005-10-09, 15:23
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Okay, that was low, sorry. But seriously, I am interested in the ways of inspiration; did an essay on it once but that was way before I found HM. Maybe it would be fun to do a revised version...
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Listening to Slipknot and cutting yourself is ridiculous
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #13  
Old 2005-10-09, 18:52
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If you're interested I think somewhere not too far back in this forum inspirations and ideas were discussed.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #14  
Old 2005-10-09, 19:35
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not bad, has alot of cliché stuff but nothing too bad, i enjoyed it somewhat and i'd give it a 6 our of 10.. too bad i can't write that well myself though..
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Quote:
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Fucking on the couch while posting on Metaltabs and getting caught by your mother....

Priceless!
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  #15  
Old 2005-10-09, 22:13
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I need to shorten some of the lines cus it jsut doesnt flow with the music. Any suggestions? Basically just shortening the first few lines.
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  #16  
Old 2005-10-10, 14:27
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Well, I don't know how the music you intended sounds, but a quick idea from me would look something like this:

[Low and slow music opening, eerie]
(Whispering, like the thoughts of the person in the song)
Darkness plaguing... (Let sink in)
Putrid flesh dripping...(Let sink in)
[Music makes an abrupt stop, singer screams with increasing tone height)
Tomb of death
No chance of salvation!
[Music makes the jump to hyperspace and you got a metal song]

Don't know if its what you want, but maybe you can get some idea from it!
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Listening to Slipknot and cutting yourself is ridiculous
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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