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  #1  
Old 2004-10-17, 12:07
Morbid+Roach's Avatar
Morbid+Roach Morbid+Roach is offline
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"The Curse of Life"

Here's another one I wrote called "The Curse of Life".

Burning corpses
Scorched earth
Spreading sepultura
Leaves its mark

Bastard's birth
A life begins
Needle point
Pierces skin

Life begins
And life will end
The reaper missed the bastard's soul
Let undeath begin

He will starve to death and never die
He will thirst but the drink will not satisfy
Forever he will feel true emptiness inside
He is cursed to live, he is cursed to never die

Vision shifting
Eyes of rot
Forever looking to slake
The hunger in his decaying gut

Slime drenched flesh
Eternal death
Hungry ghouls
Forever draw breath

Life begins
And life will end
The reaper rejects a soul again
Let the undeath begin

We will starve to death and never die
We will thirst but the drink will not satisfy
Forever we feast on your kin and your cries
We are cursed to live, we are cursed to never die

Children screaming
Women Weeping
Between the rotting teeth of the undead
Skin torn away
Eyeballs plucked out
All will fall to the hordes of the walking dead

Ghouls
Obey thy master
Feast on the flesh of the living this night
That come the morning, I will reign

I will starve to death and never die
I will thirst but the drink will not satisfy
If I must suffer and always bear life
You will suffer with me
In hell where the fires burn high
You will suffer with me
And you will never die...


What do you guys think?...
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  #2  
Old 2004-10-18, 15:34
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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The first 3 parts were fine.
The next one began with a line that didn't make sense at all.
"He will starve to death and never die" --The next line does make sense so if you can get that same feeling in this line I think it would work fine. You want something like this semi-credible and not just words that sound good. You could even just have "He will starve but never die" . Just a thought.
The only other lines I didn't like was the women ,children, and eyeball plucking. To me that made it drop a few pegs to teen status. I'd lose those completely. It also makes the piece lose a total human calamity feel.
The last part I really liked with the exception of that one similar line I already spoke of. That was cool the way you turned it around to be the narrator's story.
Not a bad one.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
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  #3  
Old 2004-10-20, 21:11
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Trendkill_420 Trendkill_420 is offline
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prescription...
valium man, lot's and lot's of v''s!

just joking.
a little too morbid for myself (but who am i?)
make good metal lyrics!
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  #4  
Old 2004-10-23, 04:22
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Trendk' your such a wussyman.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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