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  #1  
Old 2004-03-16, 00:31
BestialWarrior's Avatar
BestialWarrior BestialWarrior is offline
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Beast Of The Sea.

Mark of a feast
Welcome home
Demon Beast

A sea once ruled by an insane creature
Ugly looking, with ominous looks
Covered with reptilian scales in dark green
Beware of this deadly fiend.

(Chorus)
A force to reckon with
Behold, legend of an insane mamoth
Just when you think your free
Beware the beast of the sea

A giant throne designed by gargoyles
Unspeakable terror
Reigns these waters
Watch your back
You'll see what matters....

Repeat Chorus

A lonely man on a boat at sea
As he looks around
A weird indistinct sound comes from the water
Water bubbling at a great pace with fierce force
Arise, the beast from below
with Seven heads with Seven horns
Now witness the breed of evil
You'd never expected to see....

Repeat Chorus

End..
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  #2  
Old 2004-03-16, 08:34
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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I dunno what you have for breakfast dude, but you're really into the mythy type stuff.

The first thing I wasn't fond of was the use of was:
"Ugly looking, with ominous looks"
I think I'd leave out the 'looking' there completely. It doesn't quite make it as a good alliteration there. Or maybe "Ugly evil, with ominous looks" ? Just a suggestion and I like the way the sounds flow there, too.

"A force to reckon with
Behold, legend of an insane mamoth
Just when you think your free
Beware the beast of the sea"

What do you think of switching those first 2 lines of the chorus around to read--

Behold, legend of an insane mammoth
A force to reckon with
Just when you think your free
Beware the beast of the sea

In the vext part the first line seems detached from therest of the olines there. If you put the word 'In' at the beginning it would elude to you speaking of something instead of the throne just being there and the reat of the lines following. Do you see what I mean?


And the next verse is fine. But to extend it a little annd give it some more depth I think I'd repeat -

A giant throne designed by gargoyles
Unspeakable terror
Reigns these waters
Watch your back
You'll see what matters....

(and then for the finish--)

(Chorus)
A force to reckon with
Behold, legend of an insane mamoth
Just when you think your free
Beware the beast of the sea


I think you had a darn good and creative tale going from a mythological standpoint. It sounded cool to me and there was very little I'd actually redo. Cool one. It would make a cool metal tune.
What do you think? I enjoy reading your pieces, too. Keep it up!
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  #3  
Old 2004-03-16, 09:00
BestialWarrior's Avatar
BestialWarrior BestialWarrior is offline
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I appreciate that Lbxxx.. Your right about the majority of the tune...
I just don't think twice all the time about wording and try to write my ideas down real quick. I do have a fascination for mythological stuff....Especially Dragons, Gargoyles, stuff in particular. I was lucky to come across the avatar that I have now...I think it fits perfect with my personality...
thanks again for the comments....
Hey, what else you do besides write poems/lyrics......you play any music?
Have you seen my guitar tabs?
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