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  #1  
Old 2004-03-11, 19:14
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
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slit wrists

kinda type o negative-esque


slit wrists


i can't live without my lover's kiss
i'll just go and slit my wrists
im going nuts 'cus life's a bitch
i'll just go and slit my wrists

a crimson river running thru my veins
and on the floor as my body drains
a euphoria better than any drug
i must be careful not to stain the rug


when i can't take it, i just cut myself
i bleed my body because life is hell
i'm depressed 'cus my life's not bliss
i'll just go and slit my wrists

bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed on the ground
bleed, bleed, bleed 'til i fuckin drown
bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed 'til i'm empty
bleed, bleed, bleed 'cus no one loves me
BooHoo...
BooHoo...
BooHoo...
BooHoo...

"i'm so sad because nobody likes me,
so i'm gonna slit my wrists, because
that will certainly make me feel better
about my anti-social behavior..."

Boo Fucking Hoo...
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  #2  
Old 2004-03-11, 20:24
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that was really dumb, sorry. Maybe it's 'cause I'm not fond of Type o Neg....
boo fucking hoo, what the fuck is that
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  #3  
Old 2004-03-12, 03:29
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Nihilist Nihilist is offline
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  #4  
Old 2004-03-12, 06:11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonRaven
a crimson river running thru my veins


For me, that was the only part that had any sort of imagery going on. You seem to approach poetry too literally in this piece, ie, you're just describing the event of slitting your wrists. When you say "i'll just go and slit my wrists" it is too graphic and, due to this, doesn't inspire any emotion. Same with the quote at the end.

A little more emotiveness and imagery of where your mind would be heading would have made it a more enjoyable read. For example, you could use comparisons to ever increasing darkness as you fade from existance. Where is it dark? Think of places that would make you feel helpless and use the images that they conjure. Try to incorporate these ideas into your work.
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Last edited by johnmansley : 2004-03-12 at 06:29.
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  #5  
Old 2004-03-16, 08:13
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Well, if it's an actual serious song I'd lose the boo-hoo's. Guy Lombardo already did that song long before we were born anyways. Not quite like this but you understand. If it's a tongue in cheek Type O song like Weird Al might do, it's good.

However I was thinking if it was done as Type O Country-style song it would be pretty hilarious with a he-billy twang. Through some spoons and jugs in there and you'd be set. No offense but with the boo-hoo's I just couldn't take it too seriously.
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  #6  
Old 2004-03-16, 14:47
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
If it's a tongue in cheek Type O song like Weird Al might do, it's good.


it wasnt meant to be taken seriously, hence the boohoo's, thats why they are there, it sounds serious up until the boohoo's, but it isn't
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Old 2004-03-16, 14:58
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Ah, then forget everything I said above!

I first read it as if it was serious but after re-reading it in a more light-hearted vein it makes more sense. Even so I'd reduce the number of boo-hoo's, maybe one after each verse to serve as a poetical reminder of the lack of seriousness.
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  #8  
Old 2004-03-16, 18:31
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
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point taken, sounds like a good idea
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  #9  
Old 2004-03-16, 18:35
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Kind of "emo"ish... No offence.
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  #10  
Old 2004-03-16, 18:47
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If that was real, which it very well could be, then its the most pathedic thing I have ever read. Suicide is weak. If you really need the attention from others to confirm the meaning of your existence, then I would re-prioratize yourself.
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  #11  
Old 2004-03-16, 22:57
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
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its not meant to be taken seriously, it supposed to tongue in fucking cheek, i am so far from being suicidal its scary. i dont write suicidal shit to be taken seriously, and could you really take this poem seriously with the boohoo's
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