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  #1  
Old 2003-05-20, 21:33
xDarkestHourx xDarkestHourx is offline
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Crime Scene Color By Numbers (1-8 : Red)

It's not like anything I've posted before...pretty long, but please bear with it, the end makes it worth while.


Crime Scene Color By Numbers (1-8 : Red)

The manifestation
Of the whim of desecration
On the mind of the notorious
40 year old rapist

Running his fingers through a young girl's hair
Golden, flowing, light, fair
The feeling of violation
Breezing through the air

He looked at the blonde in front of him
Still tasting his mid-morning gin
His only refrain from touching again
Was the thought of her soft skin

There was just something about her
Was it the highlights or faux fur?
His thoughts of them together
Flying through his head in a blur

He knew he'd show her a good time
Oh, she'd have a good time
With cigarette burns on her feet
And a gag in her mouth

The bus was slowing to a halt
She chosen, not at fault
Standing up to take the large step off
She saw him behind her in the reflection

Beady eyes and a slack jawed smile
The perfect image from a police profile
Hinting from behind the skin on his face
Was the desire to defile

Walking off she felt him close
He couldn't be that bad, she thought, supposed
Then she suddenly felt a hand
Lifting up her clothes

Spinning, she turned to meet her stalker
A stupid grin across his stupid face
"C'mere baby, don't fight what you want"
Her reply was a foot planted flatly between his legs

She screamed aloud for help to come
Fear sending her fingertips numb
Her next point of action was harder to plot
To stay and defend or turn and run

Decisions, decisions, so many to make
Then came the equivalent meeting of his heart to her stake



Cheers,
xx
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  #2  
Old 2003-05-21, 18:38
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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disturbingly real. I watch a lot of FBI shows. I almost quit reading it, but I wanted to....ahem...see how it ended since you said that.
Because the piece is so real it might be hard for some to digest. I think you took a very tricky subject and handled it pretty well. At least it wasn't stupid! I admire you for that. It's a horrible thing, but you wove the tale well.
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  #3  
Old 2003-05-22, 08:45
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metal=life metal=life is offline
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Too much rhyming.....looks as if it would be nu-metallish.
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  #4  
Old 2003-05-22, 12:39
Nazgul Nazgul is offline
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true , its not bad , better than most of the crap i've read here but some of the rhyming makes it sound childish, it seems like you have totally regimented yourself into a ryhme scheme and a lot of the words dont sound natural
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  #5  
Old 2003-05-24, 12:13
xDarkestHourx xDarkestHourx is offline
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No, definitely nt nu-metallish. Think more along the lines of Morgion stuff and you've got it. It really doesn't matter whether it rhymes or not...the lyrics are just going to be screamed anyway. But thanks for the criticisms
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  #6  
Old 2003-05-28, 17:47
Jarhead
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dunno why...sry but it sounds like grindcore to me. just cause the first 8 lines remind me of Pig Destroyer for some reason. I liked it! \m/ (><) \m/
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  #7  
Old 2003-06-27, 17:51
Incantation Incantation is offline
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I like it, It looks like you took time. Good flow i think also.
Keep it up.
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