Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

What is "either" in reference to in the third line of the stanza? Are you meaning the "you" as well as the person doing the talking? I hope that's not too confusing.

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Okay. For the line with "unknowledges" would this work? -
Time after time all unknowns
Were burnt

I thought the line "Obey work pay die" was how you described it. If you want those to be more forceful I'd punctuate it with the exclamations right in the piece.

Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
Obey! work! pay! die! -is all life is (or - is all life)
All are satisfied - I reworded this for clarity, but tried to keep the same rhythm going.

I'm glad to help out. When you're writing from a translation or directly in another language sometimes the wording can be awkward for those that speak that language so I'm trying to help you bridge the two.

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Okay, you've got a conflict of idea here because in the bridge you have "Let the love begin" and then you say "Want no love just sex." If you can find a way to replace the first "love" the conflict will be gone.

Let the magic begin
Let the moment begin
Let impulse begin

Or you could change that line entirely. That's always an option.

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Oh, one other thing. Right at the beginning is she standing inside at a bar or outside the bar like on the sidewalk? "A bar" makes it sound like she's outside. If you mean inside, change "a bar" to "the bar" and it will make that clearer.

Originally Posted by Hugozhor

Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race

Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize



You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Originally Posted by Hugozhor
Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!

Originally Posted by L,B'XXX

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.