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  #21  
Old 2011-07-26, 11:05
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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What part are you referring to specifically, Unanything?
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #22  
Old 2011-07-26, 11:28
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Somewhere around "Babe I want you to understand". I felt that one too.

And wahey, if it isn't our good old existentialist(?) scotsman come back for a visit.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #23  
Old 2011-07-27, 03:39
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
What is "either" in reference to in the third line of the stanza? Are you meaning the "you" as well as the person doing the talking? I hope that's not too confusing.


It means, they tell you "Don´t look to the light, ´cause it burns like fire, but you doubt if the light burns like fire then the fire can warm you too.

So it could be
"But there is undying doubt
If light burns like fire
Then fire just can warm you (too)
And might take you higher
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  #24  
Old 2011-07-27, 03:45
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Okay. For the line with "unknowledges" would this work? -
Time after time all unknowns
Were burnt

I thought the line "Obey work pay die" was how you described it. If you want those to be more forceful I'd punctuate it with the exclamations right in the piece.

Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
Obey! work! pay! die! -is all life is (or - is all life)
All are satisfied - I reworded this for clarity, but tried to keep the same rhythm going.

I'm glad to help out. When you're writing from a translation or directly in another language sometimes the wording can be awkward for those that speak that language so I'm trying to help you bridge the two.


I used what fits to melody. Thank you.
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  #25  
Old 2011-07-27, 03:48
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Again I used what fits to a melody. Thank you.
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  #26  
Old 2011-07-27, 04:05
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Okay, you've got a conflict of idea here because in the bridge you have "Let the love begin" and then you say "Want no love just sex." If you can find a way to replace the first "love" the conflict will be gone.

Let the magic begin
Let the moment begin
Let impulse begin

Or you could change that line entirely. That's always an option.


You´re right about the conflict of idea. I mean love in bridge like "love-like". Bridge is about you´re talking to the girl who you want to screw, so you´re talking about love.

the only one word I can figure out it´s
"Skin on skin
Let the f*ck begin"

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Oh, one other thing. Right at the beginning is she standing inside at a bar or outside the bar like on the sidewalk? "A bar" makes it sound like she's outside. If you mean inside, change "a bar" to "the bar" and it will make that clearer.


Yeah. She´s standing inside at the bar, so it should be
"When I saw you at the bar"

Thank you.
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  #27  
Old 2011-07-27, 04:16
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Nothing to live for

Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain

Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race

Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

You´re hanging at a place
Between life and death
Not one of two worlds
is worth to go there
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Last edited by Hugozhor : 2011-08-08 at 12:10.
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  #28  
Old 2011-07-28, 03:21
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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One my TV show

I´m sitting in my living room
And reading newspapers
There are no ordinary men
Just murderers thieves and fakers

They get fortune to be there
Tasting sweet fruits of fame
They have done terrible crimes
But I know they can´t be insane

PreChorus:
I´ve been only suffering so far
Now I know how to be a star
I must find a right victim
To fullfill my lifetime dream

Chorus:
One my TV show – where I´ll be a star
One my TV show – millions will watch me
One my TV show – 45 minutes of fame
One my TV show - I´ll shape my destiny

Now I realize my fault
I´m very merciful
Oh God please give me a power
To do something terrible

I´ve got only a chance to do
To get to morning press
I´ll wait ´till someone dies
Then guilty of his death I confess

PreChorus:
I´ve been only suffering so far
Now I know how to be a star
I must find a right victim
To fullfill my lifetime dream

Chorus:
One my TV show – where I´ll be a star
One my TV show – millions will watch me
One my TV show – 45 minutes of fame
One my TV show - I´ll shape my destiny
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  #29  
Old 2011-08-04, 10:26
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Creeping decay

Something wrong with the world today
Can´t find a name for it
Something wrong in people´s minds
A feeling that I feel

You choose the right way in a mud
According to your plan
Smaller evil of two evils
Good intensions in your head

PreChorus:
Full of good intensions
Is road to hell
Each good deed is punished
Unjustly as well

Chorus:
Creeping decay – who is responsible for
Creeping decay – who is sensible to feel
Creeping decay – who is responsible for
Creeping decay
Human corrosive
In our veins live
And feeding
Creeping decay

Clear conscience is your guide in life
To stay on the right way
But there is always one waiting
Your trust to betray

PreChorus:
Full of good intensions
Is road to hell
Each good deed is punished
Unjustly as well

Chorus:
Creeping decay – who is responsible for
Creeping decay – who is sensible to feel
Creeping decay – who is responsible for
Creeping decay
Human corrosive
In our veins live
And feeding
Creeping decay
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  #30  
Old 2011-08-05, 11:35
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Take me as I am

After a long search
I have come to view
I was just looking
For a dream never comes true

Now I realize
I´m not without faults
That is why I have
To expect the same from all

PreChorus:
I can´t change you
Now I see
Human nature
Is stronger than me

So you can´t change me
You should view
My nature within
Is stronger than you

Chorus:
Take me as I am or leave me
´cos I take you as you are believe me
If you want me to change better leave me
´cos I don´t want you to change believe me

Our rules are set
We´ll both obey them
Or we´ll break it up
Pretending causes me pain

PreChorus:
I can´t change you
Now I see
Human nature
Is stronger than me

So you can´t change me
You should view
My nature within
Is stronger than you

Chorus:
Take me as I am or leave me
´cos I take you as you are believe me
If you want me to change better leave me
´cos I don´t want you to change believe me
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  #31  
Old 2011-08-08, 07:38
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugozhor
Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race

Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize



You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.


Hope that helps a little.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #32  
Old 2011-08-08, 07:44
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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It's not bad. It doesn't really grab me, but that's just my opinion. The right music might make it stand out more.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #33  
Old 2011-08-08, 12:09
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Originally Posted by Hugozhor
Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race



I´m not sure about this. I think the first stanza might be common but it starts good with "wake up again"

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize


Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)


Yeah. I mean feeling like you´re dead. I think it´s good in lyrics,this isn´t novel, just lyrics


Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!



Ok. I´ll change it.

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.


I´m not sure about the last line "and even nothing to die for (either)" but your line "and no reason to die" isn´t fit to melody.

Thank you for your comment.
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  #34  
Old 2011-08-08, 12:11
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Thank you for your honest comment.
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  #35  
Old 2011-08-08, 12:17
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Czech republic (Prag)
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Short cut through cemetery

What the hell are you doing here?
It´s just moonlit night but you don´t care
You are going careless without fear
Creatures of the night are waiting everywhere

I´m not coward I want to be
In short time at home to go to bed
So I´ll take a short cut through cemetery
Don´t try to sow doubts into my head

PreChorus:
The graves are opening
You see skeletons
Who are rising

Chorus:
Tower clock is striking midnight
Welcome to night scenery
You will see incredible fright
On your way through cemetery

Meanwhile you are praying on your knees
You can forget about the sleep in your bed
It´s time to meet some nice zombies
To become one of them undead

PreChorus:
The graves are open
You see skeletons
Who are rotten

Chorus:
Tower clock is striking midnight
Welcome to night scenery
You will see incredible fright
On your way through cemetery
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  #36  
Old 2011-08-08, 14:27
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Rather tame compared to MJ's "Thriller" and my "Pizza of Terror" which was set partly in a cemetery.

I liked the chorus lots. It has a nice flow and imagery in it.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #37  
Old 2011-08-09, 11:52
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Thank you L,B'XXX.

I wrote these lyrics just for fun not seriously and it was really relaxing
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  #38  
Old 2011-08-09, 11:55
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Judgement day

Now transfermission has been done
Here stands naked man
In his head´s the only one aim
To save the woman

But watch out there is another
Robot without a will
It´s programmed destination is
The same woman to kill

PreChorus:
They are both from the future
They are both enemies
They are here with the same aims
To change our destiny

Chorus:
She must live
Life to give
To leader
Of future

Innocent people had to die
I must be faster
There´s not much time to find her
And pretend disaster

Please listen to me and believe
From future I flew
I was sent by the leader
Of rebels who´s in you

PreChorus:
They are both from the future
They are both enemies
They are here with the same aims
To change our destiny

Chorus:
She must live
Life to give
To leader
Of future

Woman speaking:
"I can´t believe it
It can´t be true
That fate of mankind depends on me
How could a woman
Like me
Decide about the future of our destiny"

PreChorus:
They are both from the future
They are both enemies
They are here with the same aims
To change our destiny

Chorus:
She must live
Life to give
To leader
Of future

You´re dying
I´m alone
It´s closer in every moment
Now
This button
Gonna be your end

Red light in your eye…fades out!
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  #39  
Old 2011-08-10, 04:37
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Lonely as a leaf

Lonely as a leaf
That´s fallen from a tree
With no one all around
To set it free

Lonely as a leaf
that´s far away from a tree
with no one all around
to help it reach

PreChorus:
If there´s no one to care
I know what my way bears

Chorus:
Just don´t know what´s it for
Someone´s a choice from more
When someone has no choice
No one hears his silent voice
His last hand´s wave
But no one seems to care
Lonely as a leaf
That´s fallen from a tree

Lonely as a leaf
That´s shaking in a breeze
With no one all around
To cover it

Lonely as a leaf
Without water so lean
No one seems to care
For its destiny

PreChorus:
If there´s no one to care
I know what my way bears

Chorus:
Just don´t know what´s it for
Someone´s a choice from more
When someone has no choice
No one hears his silent voice
His last hand´s wave
But no one seems to care
Lonely as a leaf
That´s fallen from a tree
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  #40  
Old 2011-08-11, 03:05
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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On a banana peel

No nothing comes easy to me
No nothing I get just for free
Rise and fall
But more falls

Nothing I get by happenchance
Everything I must hard arrange
Rise and fall
But more falls

PreChorus:
On every way I take
there´s a peel waiting to break
my certain foot (step)
it might be stuck on my boot

Chorus:
I try to set
All my things safe
To reach my aims in order
It seems to me
My fortune I´m searching
Is hiding around a corner

And more I try
More hurdles lie
Before me on my way to beat
When I take a chance
To set my balance
I´m slipping on a banana peel

If I have my guardian angel
And if he controls my fortune
Rise and fall
But more falls

He must be laughing all the time
Throwing peels on my way of life
Rise and fall
But more falls

PreChorus:
On every way I take
there´s a peel waiting to break
my certain foot (step)
it might be stuck on my boot

Chorus:
I try to set
All my things safe
To reach my aims in order
It seems to me
My fortune I´m searching
Is hiding around a corner

And more I try
More hurdles lie
Before me on my way to beat
When I take a chance
To set my balance
I´m slipping on a banana peel
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