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  #1  
Old 2011-07-22, 07:51
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Melancholy

Black cloud hangs over me again
Drops of sadness are falling like rain
Coming feelings of regrets and sighs
That I have known a thousand times

Bridge:
Source of my strength to carry on
Disappearing
Like sands after lowtide
Will I be gathering on and on
Appearing
Like sands after hightide

All around is misty and blurry
No sense in what I used to worry
Everything Iīve done seems to be in vain
Pleasure of it will never more remain

Bridge:
Source of my strength to carry on
Disappearing
Like sands after lowtide
Will I be gathering on and on
Appearing
Like sands after hightide

Chorus:
Drowning in a lake of melancholy
Just head above the surface
Canīt get out all walls are slippery
My eyes looking at a white haze
Drowning in a lake of melancholy
Sands below me falling down
Shall it last eternally?
Or will my head go down? (too)

Last edited by Hugozhor : 2011-07-25 at 05:35.
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  #2  
Old 2011-07-23, 02:25
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Sweet innocence

Iīm just a shadow of a child
I used to be
All beatiful insideīs been
broken by years

Everyday there was something new
To see and learn
Time after time all unknowledge
was burnt

Bridge:
When did it happen
Who is to blame
The change shattered
All my life and broke my game

I used to live in my free world
With no cares
Of the god called money that rules
Everywhere

Iīve never really thought that
My soul could bleed
That I would ever meet with
All lies and greed

Bridge:
When did it happen
Who is to blame
The change shattered
All my life and broke my game

Chorus:
I donīt wanna be
I donīt wanna be an adult since now
I donīt wanna see
I donīt wanna see the world go down

Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
"Obey!" "Work!" "Pay!" "Die!" is life with
We all satisfied

Bridge:
When did it happen
Who is to blame
The change shattered
All my life and broke my game

Chorus:
I donīt wanna lose
I donīt wanna lose sweet innocence
I donīt wanna feel
I donīt wanna feel blood of childhood on my hands

Last edited by Hugozhor : 2011-07-27 at 03:44.
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  #3  
Old 2011-07-23, 23:44
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Living in a cave

Sitting here in your small world
You think youīve got all
Living your life only with
Shadows on the wall

You live as they taught you
As your ancestors did
„Never look to the light!“
Or you will be hit

Bridge:
You have never dared to move
To leave your sacred ground
You are scared to know all truth
To turn your head around

Chorus:
From the cradle to the grave
You are living in a cave
Only shadows on the wall
They cannot be really all!
Hardly no one wants to know
About brighter way to go

Doubts are crying in your head
But they are weaker than
Conviction of the others
Who defeat you again

But there is undying doubt
If light burns like fire
Then fire just can warm either
And might take you higher

Bridge:
You have never dared to move
To leave your sacred ground
You are scared to know all truth
To turn your head around

Chorus:
From the cradle to the grave
You are living in a cave
Only shadows on the wall
They cannot be really all!
Hardly no one wants to know
About brighter way to go
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  #4  
Old 2011-07-24, 04:33
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I liked this, but the chorus seemed to have a couple nits.

Drowning to the lake of melancholy -"to" sounds awkward. "Drowning in a" sounds a little smoother there.
Just head above a surface - instead of "a surface" maybe "the surface." "a surface" makes me wonder surface of what?
Canīt get out all walls are slippery - okay
My eyes looking to a white haze - The "to" here seems tricky. I'm getting different interpretations of that. That can be a good thing if that's your intention.
Drowning to the lake of melancholy - See above
Sands below me falling down - okay
Shall it last eternally? - okay
Or will my head go down too? -I like this idea, but having "too" at the end seems to make it less powerful. I'm not real sure how I'd alter that line other than completely removing "too."

Take it or leave it. Just my thoughts. Enjoyed the lyric.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2011-07-24, 04:49
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I'm not being rude, but I have to ask if English is your second language. There's a few things in this and the other piece you posted that are leading me to believe that, and if it is so, I'll explain my alterations a little differently.

Good read overall. It's nice to see more lyrics on here.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #6  
Old 2011-07-24, 04:59
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Another singable piece, but one verse threw it off for me.

But there is undying doubt
If light burns like fire -Those two lines flow well.
Then fire just can warm either - This line is where it falls off.
And might take you higher - I'm not sure if this line weakens the verse since the previous line is unclear.

Just a little to consider to polish your song.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #7  
Old 2011-07-25, 05:40
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
I liked this, but the chorus seemed to have a couple nits.

Drowning to the lake of melancholy -"to" sounds awkward. "Drowning in a" sounds a little smoother there.
Just head above a surface - instead of "a surface" maybe "the surface." "a surface" makes me wonder surface of what?
Canīt get out all walls are slippery - okay
My eyes looking to a white haze - The "to" here seems tricky. I'm getting different interpretations of that. That can be a good thing if that's your intention.
Drowning to the lake of melancholy - See above
Sands below me falling down - okay
Shall it last eternally? - okay
Take it or leave it. Just my thoughts. Enjoyed the lyric.


Hi L,B'XXX

Thank you for your advices. I edited them.
Youīve got great feeling about a lyrics flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Or will my head go down too? -I like this idea, but having "too" at the end seems to make it less powerful. I'm not real sure how I'd alter that line other than completely removing "too."


Youīre right. Iīve got the same feeling about "too" doesnīt fit to melody.
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  #8  
Old 2011-07-25, 05:43
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
I'm not being rude, but I have to ask if English is your second language. There's a few things in this and the other piece you posted that are leading me to believe that, and if it is so, I'll explain my alterations a little differently.

Good read overall. It's nice to see more lyrics on here.


Thatīs ok. Youīre right. English isnīt my native language. Iīm from Czech republic (Europe).
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  #9  
Old 2011-07-25, 05:45
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Another singable piece, but one verse threw it off for me.

But there is undying doubt
If light burns like fire -Those two lines flow well.
Then fire just can warm either - This line is where it falls off.
And might take you higher - I'm not sure if this line weakens the verse since the previous line is unclear.

Just a little to consider to polish your song.


Youīre right again about the line where it falls.
I canīt figure out another line. Any advice?
Thank you.
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  #10  
Old 2011-07-25, 05:48
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Questions

Is it my destiny
To suffer all the time?
Is it meant to be
Easy living is a crime?

Is it precious for me
A simple happiness?
Is it so usual
To (be) drowning in sadness?

Is it so hard for me
To reach aims day by day?
Is it the same for all
With all hurdles on their way?

Whyīs someone born here
Under blue sunny sky?
Whyīs a rain falling
Just on me tell me why?

Bridge:
When I feel bad
Itīs in my head
Appearing pain
Dwells in my heart
A big question mark
Again and again

Chorus:
Questions
Questions – without answers
Questions
Questions – eat me like a cancer
Questions
Questions – another whys
Questions
Questions – theyīll never die

Chorus:
Questions
Questions – without answers
Questions
Questions – eat me like a cancer
Questions
Questions – another whys
Questions
Questions – theyīll be until I die

Last edited by Hugozhor : 2011-07-27 at 03:47.
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  #11  
Old 2011-07-25, 07:00
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Explain a little bit about what you're trying to get across there and we'll see if we can come up with something, okay?
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #12  
Old 2011-07-25, 13:35
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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That's cool. I'll try to come close to what you're saying in your lyrics, but if I miss the mark let me know.

Iīm just a shadow of a child
I used to be
All beatiful insideīs been - All beauty inside has been
broken by years


Even though you slur to make it sound like "inside's" it reads easier with the word "has" there. It's not a good contraction to use, but if you want to keep it there that's okay. I see why.

Everyday there was something new
To see and learn
Time after time all unknowledges
Were burnt

-Can you clarify what you mean by "unknowledges?" I don't think that's a word.

Bridge:
When has it happened - When did it happen or What has happened - if either of those fit your meaning.
Who is to blame
The change shattered
With all my life and broke my game
- Do you mean "The change shattered All my life and broke my game?"

I used to live in my free world
With no cares
Of the god called money that rules
Everywhere

Iīve never really thought that
My soul could bleed
That I would ever meet with
All lies and greed

-Nice flow to that stanza.

Bridge:
When has it happened
Who is to blame
The change shattered
With all my life and broke my game

Chorus:
I donīt wanna be
I donīt wanna be an adult since now - an adult anymore
I donīt wanna see
I donīt wanna see the world goes down - the world go down or the world sink down?

Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
Obey work pay die is life with
We all satisfied
-The last 2 lines are a little unclear. Could you explain them a little more?

Bridge:
When has it happened
Who is to blame
The change shattered
With all my life and broke my game

Chorus:
I donīt wanna lose
I donīt wanna lose sweet innocence
I donīt wanna feel
I donīt wanna feel blood of childhood on my hands


I hope that helps out a little bit.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #13  
Old 2011-07-26, 02:33
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Explain a little bit about what you're trying to get across there and we'll see if we can come up with something, okay?


I want to say what I said in lines but maybe with another words or synonyms.
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  #14  
Old 2011-07-26, 02:55
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
That's cool. I'll try to come close to what you're saying in your lyrics, but if I miss the mark let me know.

Iīm just a shadow of a child
I used to be
All beatiful insideīs been - All beauty inside has been
broken by years


Even though you slur to make it sound like "inside's" it reads easier with the word "has" there. It's not a good contraction to use, but if you want to keep it there that's okay. I see why.


I leave this as it is īcause of a melody flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Everyday there was something new
To see and learn
Time after time all unknowledges
Were burnt
-Can you clarify what you mean by "unknowledges?" I don't think that's a word.


This verse means when youīre young you learn everyday something new and get everyday a new knowledge. Then you learned everything and nothing new is waiting for you, nothing knowledge to get, so it means all "unknowledges" are gone (were burnt).

Maybe there should be "all unknown is burnt"

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Bridge:
When has it happened - When did it happen or What has happened - if either of those fit your meaning.
Who is to blame
The change shattered
With all my life and broke my game
- Do you mean "The change shattered All my life and broke my game?"



Yeah. Exactly. I will edit it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Chorus:
I donīt wanna be
I donīt wanna be an adult since now - an adult anymore
I donīt wanna see
I donīt wanna see the world goes down - the world go down or the world sink down?


"an adult anymore" doesnīt fit to melody.
"The world go down" is ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
Obey work pay die is life with
We all satisfied
-The last 2 lines are a little unclear. Could you explain them a little more?



It means "Obey!" "Work!" "Pay!" "Die!" are commands we are given in our lives nothing more like fun or "do what you like" and we are even satisfy with this life.


Thank you for your great advices that lead me to my improvement

Last edited by Hugozhor : 2011-07-26 at 03:01.
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  #15  
Old 2011-07-26, 03:07
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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S.M.C.

Blow!

When I saw you by a bar
Fire caught me tight
Face like angel of midnight star
My C. started to rise

I decided you must be mine
Tonight or never
Now Iīm looking to your eyes
And feel your shiver

Bridge:
Face to face
To see your grace
Skin on skin
Let the love begin

Chorus:
Do it do it do it tonight
You are the girl of my life
Do it do it do it to me
You are the girl of my dream

Babe I hope you understand
Want no love just sex
If you have got the same plan
Just spread your long legs

Bridge:
Face to face
To see your grace
Skin on skin
Let the love begin

Chorus:
Do it do it do it tonight
You are the girl of my life
Do it do it do it to me
You are the girl of my dream
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  #16  
Old 2011-07-26, 03:21
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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What is "either" in reference to in the third line of the stanza? Are you meaning the "you" as well as the person doing the talking? I hope that's not too confusing.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #17  
Old 2011-07-26, 03:38
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Okay. For the line with "unknowledges" would this work? -
Time after time all unknowns
Were burnt

I thought the line "Obey work pay die" was how you described it. If you want those to be more forceful I'd punctuate it with the exclamations right in the piece.

Indifference and selfishness
I had to fight
Obey! work! pay! die! -is all life is (or - is all life)
All are satisfied - I reworded this for clarity, but tried to keep the same rhythm going.

I'm glad to help out. When you're writing from a translation or directly in another language sometimes the wording can be awkward for those that speak that language so I'm trying to help you bridge the two.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #18  
Old 2011-07-26, 03:48
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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The second stanza, second stanza -

To (be) drowning in sadness?

or

Is it so usual
Drowning in sadness?

If you use the second one it doesn't mess up the rhythm by adding the extra word.

The only other place I can see is -
Questions – another whys

Questions - more whys
Questions – constant whys
Questions – always whys

That can be fiddled with to fit and still get your meaning across.

Other than that it's a self reflective piece that seems to be working over life's hurdles that one can either sink into or eventually rise above. Nice job.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #19  
Old 2011-07-26, 03:56
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Okay, you've got a conflict of idea here because in the bridge you have "Let the love begin" and then you say "Want no love just sex." If you can find a way to replace the first "love" the conflict will be gone.

Let the magic begin
Let the moment begin
Let impulse begin

Or you could change that line entirely. That's always an option.

Oh, one other thing. Right at the beginning is she standing inside at a bar or outside the bar like on the sidewalk? "A bar" makes it sound like she's outside. If you mean inside, change "a bar" to "the bar" and it will make that clearer.

And the line "My C. started to rise." I'm sure I know what that's supposed to say, but if you want the piece a little more user friendly you can substitute

My want started to rise
My blood started to rise

I think you get the idea.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2011-07-26 at 03:59.
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  #20  
Old 2011-07-26, 05:03
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Unanything Unanything is offline
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To me, the "change of tone" reads like a workably-horrible, anticlimactic twist. Made me . Whether the twist was intended or not is another matter.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fatdanny
Also, check out Autopsy, the vocalist sounds like hes about to eat your grandmother while fucking you in the eye. Brutal.


Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadude
I coated the end of a toothpick with Satan's blood and simply wiped it across the top of an omelet. PERFECT!
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