MetalTabs.com - your source for Metal tabs
Home Forum What's New Submit a Tab FAQ Links Contact Us Link to Us


Go Back   MetalTabs.com Forum > Metal > Poetry Lyrical
User Name
Password


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  #1  
Old 2010-06-29, 15:23
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
New Blood
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 32
Never Say Goodbye

I don't want to lose you girl
I try to do my best
To keep you in my arms
But it's hard
Oh,so hard
'cause I can't see you everyday

The distance between us
It's killing me
I opened my heart for you
But the distance,the distance
Oh,it's killing me

I fear the word goodbye
'cause it shattered my heart before
And I don't want to go through
All the pain again

We promised,
eternal love to each other
But the distance
Oh,the distance
It's killing that promise
It's killing me

My love for you is strong
Like the steel that holds the bridge
But my heart is weak
So don't break it please

Just the thought of loosin' you…

Oh,sometimes I drift in the space
With thoughts that make my heart bleed
Over and over again
So don't, please don't
Don't ever say goodbye to me

Thank you for reading comment!

Last edited by Last Man Standing : 2010-06-30 at 05:32.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 2010-06-29, 15:57
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,866
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
Ditch the "thee." It's totally out of place. If it was a period piece then maybe, but it's clearly not.
Is this relative to the lyric? This needs reworked or left out -
"Like the satan fears that you
Realize that He exists"

You've got form, but the overly melodramatic content doesn't have much to dig into to make it memorable. Give it some zest and fire like you're really missing the person.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 2010-06-30, 05:36
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
New Blood
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Ditch the "thee." It's totally out of place. If it was a period piece then maybe, but it's clearly not.
Is this relative to the lyric? This needs reworked or left out -
"Like the satan fears that you
Realize that He exists"



i acknowledged all your advices ( they were very good - thank you)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 2010-06-30, 15:35
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus Amadeus is offline
Quantum.
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,142
I'd loose the "Oh's". Granted, even I throw them in here and there when reading at a poetry slam or singing, but it's a moment thing. Including them in writing is a buzz kill.

You've got a bit of a nice rhythm peeping out here and there, but it derails. For example, the first verse is going along quite nicely, until the last line where you almost break your tongue trying to read. Try reading it all out loud, several times, and you'll probably see it yourself. It should have flow.
By the way, if you drop the "Oh" in the second last line of the first verse you lose the rhythm, but me, I'd change it to "So damn hard". A clenched fist in the table and not just a lot of sighing at the window sill.

Not my favorite type of lyrics at any time of the day. But I'd say that if you sort out the rhythm, put it to some good music (Backstreet boys is NOT the way to go) and send it to her, it'll sit fairly well.
__________________
Listening to Slipknot and cutting yourself is ridiculous
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 2010-07-01, 17:19
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,866
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
You're welcome. It has a nice flow to it now to me.
I disagree about the oh's. Sometimes I include them when I write because they add a visual note where there wouldn't be one in the reading or sometimes if it's a lead in to a line in one of my more hokey lyrics. Some writers use them and some don't. Some pieces need them in writing and some can be inserted at will when being sung. It's up to you.
Anyways, glad to help out.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:55.


========

Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer
Copyright © 2001-2009 MetalTabs.com. All Rights Reserved.
Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.