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  #1  
Old 2010-05-04, 18:54
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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One was There

And I promise I did not intentionally get the idea of the feather at the end from Amadeus. It happened while I was writing and just fell into place at the end. Thanks for reading.

"One was There"

I felt a smile behind me
But when I turned no one was there
Just waves of bright goldenrod floating quietly
But going nowhere

Sat me down on a rock by the road
Thoughts blistering like the overhead sun
I heard a voice behind me
But when I turned no one was there

Will I switch my place with shadows
Led around by a hidden thread
Reel myself back when I get out of line
I do it time after time

Take my hand, walk with me
Drown my pain with your smiling eyes
I felt a touch on my shoulder
And I turned

Peace molded my heart
At your very sight
Unfamiliar face yet recognizable spirit
Like peering through an old, warped window

All thought seemed to take it's proper place
Curiously peeking through the gold
I reached out
But when I touched no one was there

Never the feather floating listlessly by
Too controlled and abrupt
See the shadow smiling

BJH
5/4/2010
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2010-05-06 at 09:28.
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  #2  
Old 2010-05-05, 16:44
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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They do say old love never rusts.

From a purely technical standpoint I guess one could take issue with the inconsistency in form from verse to verse, but I don't really see the point of that. Actually, this is something I might consider taking to a poetry slam. It has a pretty nice mixture of immediately obvious imagery that you can just pick up as you pass each line and space for expanding thought. To go off at a tangent, a bit like the same feel I went after when talking about the night in, well, Night. Yea, with some thought given to performance, it could do quite well on a stage.

However, I still can't seem to get used to the word rapeseed. The clash in mental images I get from that word.
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  #3  
Old 2010-05-05, 17:39
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I originally had wheat where rapeseed is, but that's been done to death. It was a choice from an assignment I had years ago I revisit periodically. That's where the whole piece is from. When I looked up rapeseed to see exactly what it looked like I found it was wild mustard which happens to be blooming here now all over the place and it's bright yellow.

You mention poetry slam and I think that's the way I read this one. It'snot meant to rhyme or flow a meter, but there is a beat. Sometimes those beats just pause before the next line.

If you have an idea to use for my plant matter that would be cool. I think I'm seeing the clash of images. Would goldenrod be a better choice? I just thought of that.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #4  
Old 2010-05-06, 01:42
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Maybe it's a silly question, but have you been to a poetry slam? It struck me that I don't really know how prevalent those events are over there these days, even though it started in the US once upon a time.

What I wonder is, how did anyone ever come up with the word and how did it catch on? Then again, we call it raps, so maybe there's some oldy worldy root for it. Anyway, it's really not that much of an issue. But yea, goldenrod could make for a more of a direct connection with verse six, image wise.
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  #5  
Old 2010-05-06, 09:28
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Nope, never been to one, but I'm assuming it's like some of the rap off's I've seen on the idiotbox and a long rap thread we had on another forum where we "poetically" humiliated and retaliated each other.

Goldenrod seems to sit better in that spot so it's changed. Thanks for all the input.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #6  
Old 2010-05-06, 10:07
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Well, not really, at least not when it's a good one. It's like theatre sport, it depends utterly on the people there and then.
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"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

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