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  #1  
Old 2010-05-01, 01:32
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Fall

Fall across the small hours of the night
Fall across a walk in the woods
Fall across what you've remembered to forget
It's fall alright
Old eyes on a new sight
Every morning a new sight
Old eyes on an old sight
Some bench you sat down and never left
And a feather, floating on the wind

A vision of a light that isn't there
Some music that isn't real
Soft to the eye, soft to the touch
Hard to the one sitting on the bench
Yea, keep on walking, serves you right
In your perspective
A feather, floating on the wind

A confession, a surrender
There are no stories, no beginnings, no ends
It's always a matter of now read on
So if you know, feel free to tell me
How one recognizes, at the time
A few final words on a train platform
Train standing, platform backing
Turning, walking, who're you kidding
And a feather, floating away on the wind
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #2  
Old 2010-05-01, 12:01
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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It seems a little different from your usual style and content. It seemed a little rough in a couple places, but it might be the language thing.
Some bench you sat down and never left - could use "down on" or "sat on" so it doesn't seem the bench was placed there instead of a behind. From the rest of the context I understand that's what's meant.
This was the other line I wasn't sure of -
"It's always a matter of now read on"

The feather image just seems to float scene by scene as a constant idea that randomly lilts around.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2010-05-03, 14:51
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Yea, that one was just a typo.

Well, the rhythm isn't obvious, but take the one you mentioned:
It's aalways a m*a*tter of noow read oon
You can feel it on four beats if you use the "It's" as the "and" between the last beat of the previous line and the one on this one; one is on aal. Basically it's just a four-four downbeat.

I'm not all that surprised that you found it different from what I usually do, since this is actually the retelling of a love story, which I normally treat with a smile and a head shake. Or, in one recent case, as a reason for the teller of the story to observe someone who might have been important gutted like a fish and nailed to a wall.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #4  
Old 2010-05-04, 18:51
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Now that last bit sounds more like you! lol That's rough.
That was one way I was reading that line, but I wanted to check to see how you meant it. Thanks.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2010-05-05, 16:48
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Posts: 2,148
... and thank you for the read.

Ha, so, easier to equate with contemplations of destruction and blood spilling than close emotions? For some reason I can't but help to find that appealing.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #6  
Old 2010-05-05, 18:32
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Yeah, you're more into chainsaw surgery.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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