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  #1  
Old 2003-02-20, 11:59
abadona abadona is offline
New Blood
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Vilnius, Lithuania
Posts: 41
some crazy girl's thoughts

it may be totally stupid, i wrote it during a break between class 5 and class 6 at work today. i wrote it in my own language first, and this is a translation with certain lines added. tell me what you think of this (would you like your teachers to be writing things like that?).

i'm terrified here and now
i thought i was floating in space,
and then
the earth was down on my left,
the moon was right above me
and stars were unlimited, yeah, that's exactly the word i wanted to use.
some planets were around, but not quite visible

check this out: the best thing
was to feel so steady,
nothing could move me but my own will,
and nothing did move me.

someone was next to me, he was
floating horizontally,
and i was
floating vertically.

this happened once,
on the edge
of life and dream,
i don't know who i was with,
i just remember the face
with dark glasses
and the voice. i thought i'd heard it before.

now sometimes, when i'm too exhausted
to think even, not just to act,
not just to go out and talk to people,
and KEEP FOREVER ENTERTAINING THEM,
the evil little imps,
now sometimes i try to float,
up and to the right from the earth,
but i can only remember,
i can fly
no more.

was the voice yours?
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  #2  
Old 2003-02-20, 12:52
Def's Avatar
Def Def is offline
Master Killer
Alumni Staff
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands
Posts: 11,372
Wow, pretty cool stuff, however some lines sound a bit 'forced' in, ah, can I ask you, what's your first language?

I have to use a dictionairy too sometimes, when I forget how to write or say certain words that I want to fit in.

I liked the first and last part best, some stuff in between wasn't really happening for me, however, I think you've got some talent, try to use a bit more 'difficult' words, I dunno, I love to keep stuff really abstract myself.

keep it going!
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  #3  
Old 2003-02-20, 13:37
abadona abadona is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Vilnius, Lithuania
Posts: 41
My first language is Lithuanian. If you're interested, it is really unlike English, so translating can sometimes distort the meaning.
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  #4  
Old 2003-02-20, 20:05
xDarkestHourx xDarkestHourx is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Atlanta, Ga, USA
Posts: 153
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If it'd been condensed down to 6 lines, I might've liked it

Cheers,
xx
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"As Horrifying as Being Raped by a Grizzly Bear in Front of a Full Body Mirror" one of my many song titles
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