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  #1  
Old 2003-02-16, 04:43
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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"Colder Inside" -thx for reading

Just another little verse I came up with. Thanks for the read and comments.

"Colder Inside"

It's colder inside your heart.
I should have been aware-
That all those pretty promises you made
Were just to slip a snare around me.

You never have had any feeling.
When you said your love was mine,
It just started a chain of my destruction.
That's what you wanted.

I woke up one day thinking
You could do no wrong,
But soon you showed your truest colors.
Now your kiss tastes sour.

I've taken the first step beginning a journey
That will take me far away from you
And your bite will not bruise me anymore.
I'm better than that.
And I'm better than you.
So find another fool.

BJH
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  #2  
Old 2003-02-18, 17:55
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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...it could be better, i see what your getting across, but
i didn't get the feel of it. third paragragh is best though,
the others are kinda "sour" hehehe.
overall, this would make a better poem than a song.
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  #3  
Old 2003-02-20, 12:03
abadona abadona is offline
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true, could be better, but it's not badly written, it's just that the situation is slightly banal - oh, you all bad lovers, you hurt me deep, bla-bla-bla... i'm not hurting your feelings, i just thought - if you would 'hide' the situation, so that it is less obvious what this piece is about, it would improve a lot.
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