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  #1  
Old 2003-02-15, 15:41
shattrdexistnce shattrdexistnce is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 35
John Doe\Injected

Here are a couple more from my collection. Let me know what you think.

JOHN DOE


He was driving down the road
It was about 12:30 am
A darkened sky
Pavement bright with the light of his headlights
Walled in by tall towering trees
Older than he could ever be
A horizon revealed by the dim light of the moon
No traffic
Except for the truck in front of him
It was going too slow
So he decided to pass it
He was beside the truck
When he noticed the solid yellow line
And the hill just ahead
He quickly thought about what he should do
He hadn't passed a single car all night
He was already half way around the truck

He pressed down on the gas peddle
Barreling passed the truck
And up the hill
His heart racing
Then he made it to the top
And was overwhelmed by a bright light
That shrouded his fears
It drew him in
Closer and closer
A loud crushing sound
Rioted threw his head
He jerked forward
As if his body was revolting
Jealous of the control he held over it
Which it now held over him
The light was a magnet
Drawing him in
Closer
His face pressed against the windshield
Which crumbled at his mercy
Digging into his flesh in retalliation
Scarlet drops of rain exploded into the light
He saw the reaper
He flew right over him
High and mighty
Limbs flapping in the wind
Which rushed into his battered face
Then gravity grabbed his soul
And slammed it to the ground
His teeth shattered at the mercy
Of the concrete
His mouth became a gaping hole
Stuffed with dirt, gravel, and, broken bone
Blood splattered up the sides of his crushed face
As he stamped the asphault
Gravity lost it's grip
And he slipped into the air
Like a cardinal rushing through the wind
It regained it's hold
And tugged him back down
His eardrum popped
As cartiledge sprayed into his brain
Like schrappnel from a grenade
The flesh of his ear ripped away from his scalp
A piece of him glued to the concrete
He slid across the pavement
Which grasped his flesh
Peeling off his hair, scalp, and skull
One layer at a time
Pieces of him
Everywhere
His mangled head gave birth
To a scarlet river

...And I stepped forth
To collect his soul.


INJECTED

My genitalia
A syringe
I want to pump you full of heroin
Atop a heated spoon.
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  #2  
Old 2003-02-18, 06:46
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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I could have sworn I responded to this already, but such is life. The first one graphically portrayed a person's last encounter with life rather well. And I liked the way you ended it. The 'grim reaper' watching the whole thing transpire just to be the one to grab the soul. Not bad at all. I'm not into gore, but it was well-done gore. I loved the 'red' reference about the cardinal. That was very creative.
The second one, eh, I wasn't crazy about it. For so few words , there's a lot of imagery going on, but it just wasn't my cup o'tea.
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  #3  
Old 2003-02-18, 20:28
shattrdexistnce shattrdexistnce is offline
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Location: Indiana
Posts: 35
Thanx for the input.

Injected was something that just popped in my head one day. I thought it was kind of humorous.
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  #4  
Old 2003-02-19, 04:58
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Def Def is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands
Posts: 11,372
Cool, I like the whole 'storyline' thingy of that first one, I laughed at the second one, somehow it made me giggle, it was kinda funny in a way, however it's hard for me to understand the meaning.
Since I have to use a dictionairy sometime to write stuff myself. nice stuff, not my style or anything, but it's amusing to read
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  #5  
Old 2003-02-19, 11:59
abadona abadona is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Vilnius, Lithuania
Posts: 41
a question...

I like both pieces, really. it's just... do you know what you're trying to say like this? don't answer me, answer yourself.
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