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  #1  
Old 2003-01-01, 23:38
shattrdexistnce shattrdexistnce is offline
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Drowing In Myself

Here's one of my poem let me know what you think.

DROWNING IN MYSELF

Drowning in a puddle of myself
My heart is frantically beating
Asphyxiated palpitations of nothingness
Linger in my pulsating heart
I am the killer; I am the teacher
What is this mutated creature
Staring back across the mirror
These incandescent eyes are growing nearer
Schizophrenic aphasia holding my head underwater
I can't break free from my grip and the sun is blazing hotter
Insane, mundane, and inane
All that's seen of me; corporeality
My thoughts and dreams can't set me free
For I have lost the key
Suffocating; life is fading
Drowning in myself
I'm debating; is life waiting
Drowning in myself
Lacerating; Violating
Drowning in myself
Penetrating; Masticating
Drowning by myself.
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  #2  
Old 2003-01-02, 22:12
xDarkestHourx xDarkestHourx is offline
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actually...I don't have anything terrible or good to say about this here post. I dig a lot of the language (aphasia and such, I was preparing to be a doctor so I've read up on a lot of that stuff....up until I realized I hated the medical field and people trying to cop free health care of others). I usually hate rhyming, but it seems to work in this. So in conclusion...I don't hate it, CONGRATULATIONS!

Cheers,
xx
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  #3  
Old 2003-01-03, 00:38
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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Do you have any idea what aphasia means? Nothing in your song makes me believe that you do. For starters: your having aphasia would make this whole thing impossible.
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  #4  
Old 2003-01-03, 12:13
xDarkestHourx xDarkestHourx is offline
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I was going to ask if you were talking to him or me and then I reread what you said and felt mildly retarded. And I just realized that I confused APHASIA with APNEA. Good call PST...I've learned too many of those goddamned terms to keep them all seperate sometimes...

Cheers,
xx
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Last edited by xDarkestHourx : 2003-01-03 at 12:18.
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  #5  
Old 2003-01-05, 11:50
shattrdexistnce shattrdexistnce is offline
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Don't take this poem so literally. It's about the things that are apart of our personality that at times can really piss us off and drag us down. The word aphasia means the unabality to talk or even understand words. If taken literally that would make this whole thing impossible. When it comes to talking to people I can never think of what to say. I guess I'm a little bit shy, but it's mostly just that I don't know what to say. I'm okay with it most of the time but sometimes it can really get in the way. I'm using the word aphasia as a kind of metaphore for that.

I'm not to big on rhyming poetry either when I first started writing that's all I would use. I try to get away from but sometimes it just finds it's way onto the page. I guess it's okay sometimes as long as it's not overworked.
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  #6  
Old 2003-01-06, 01:14
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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I understood your "metaphore," I'm just being an asshole. It's still misused, anyway. A lot of the medical terminology sounds like it's being used to impress ("scizophrenic aphasia was merely the handiest), which is a misuse of vocabulary, and it's completely disjointed. It's a clusterfuck of "I'm fucked up" with no form. If you want to convey awkwardness through your metaphor, give more to it. Just saying that you have "aphasia" is increasing the clusterfuckiness. Give it more direction, less branching off.
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