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  #1  
Old 2009-07-02, 15:59
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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"Like a Vermin"

Too much Gwar. Female point of view. Writing challenge. Enjoy guys!!

"Like a Vermin"

(spoken)
Your name was Richard the day that you left
You smiled like a vermin with cheese stuck in your teeth
I smiled knowing you'd be wasting your time
She threw you a line and you bit it

(sung)
Bit off more than you knew
Bit off something that will never leave you
Something that will remind you of her every day
In the most painful and sensitive way

When you stand before the mirror naked
Flexing arms and your chest
Those moments will twinge on the vision that's next
As you look lower the fright pierces your soul
At what remains dangling below
Now your name's been changed

You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Nothing there to see
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
My head's thrown back in glee
Knowing your stupidity has left it's mark forever
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Only one way now

The mental bruising on your brain
Each time a beauty passes
Sends stabs of trauma through your gut
When you remember what has
Happened to the manhood you used to brag about
She tripped up your fantasies and slammed your head

You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Nothing there to see
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
My head's thrown back in glee
Knowing your stupidity has left it's mark forever
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Only one way now

Only one thing to do now
Forget or give in
Only one thing to do now
To you it's a sin
No, you're not like that, but it's the only way
It's the only way
If you're going to play
It's the only way
That big guy wants to play
He knows
He knows
He knows

You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Nothing there to see
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
My head's thrown back in glee
Knowing your stupidity has left it's mark forever
You're Dick Leswonder, Dick Leswonder
Only one way now

BJH
7/2/2009
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2009-07-02 at 18:26.
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  #2  
Old 2009-07-02, 16:26
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Female emancipation is a bad thing! You are bad persons!
Now do you see why I tie down girls with their own t-shirt should they try to whoop me, even if they were at the time only using a pillow? There's evil in there I tell you, EEEAAAAVVEEEIIAEEEAA(wherethefuckdidthesentencegoohyes)IL.

The first verse I'm having a bit of trouble with rythm-wise; the first two lines are a good opening, but I stumble a bit when I try to read them. Maybe it's just me, but perhaps a bit of rearranging might be in order. In the third line you could drop a "that" to get an easier flow.


This is one I want to hear music to, it deserves it. The mocking tone, along with the repetition of the line "Only one way now" and how that leads up to the last verse is just right. It's a bit like a really good horror movie - not really that much splatter in the screen, but a fair amount of getting psyched out.
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"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
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  #3  
Old 2009-07-02, 16:37
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Okay, I removed offending "that." You're right.

What if the first 4 lines were separated by being spoken then the rest sung? You want to try to put a tune to it? If I did come up with a tune my only method to record is the sound recorder in my computer and we all know what quality that is. Of course, it might be weird hearing a guy sing it. haha

Instead of t-shirts, try top hats and tails. Hmm, that sounds like a song, too. "All tied up in top hat and tails...."
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #4  
Old 2009-07-02, 17:39
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Yes, that might be just the ticket.

Top hat and... tails? What, you mean like one of them penguin suits or something? Kinky.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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  #5  
Old 2009-07-02, 18:25
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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lol Sure thing! Just watch the penguins don't attack.

I'll add the notations for the spoken part. Thanks.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #6  
Old 2009-07-02, 20:18
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MetalThrashingMad MetalThrashingMad is offline
Death to all but metal!
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Like a verminnn.. OO! touched for the very first tiime
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
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  #7  
Old 2009-07-03, 07:59
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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lol Ya caught that, did ya? That was just a working title, but what the heck!
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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