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  #1  
Old 2009-07-02, 11:36
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
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Lake of Tears

Lake of Tears

When i woke up this morning
Without you (by my side)
I just knew,
I want you ... BACK!!!

When i woke up this morning
Without you
I already missed
The smell of your parfume,
I missed
Touching your beautiful body

It was out of nowhere
It was like, just one day
You decided to say goodbye
And left me alone
Standing in a lake full of tears

One last tear,i'll drop
tonight
One last time,I'll remember(us)
And for the first time,i'll say
Goodbye
To you

comment...comment...comment
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  #2  
Old 2009-07-02, 12:51
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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I just read the other piece and then this one and now I'm wondering if these aren't written out of actual experience. I don't like to comment too much when its a piece like that. If you give a little more input then I'll decide.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2009-07-02, 14:44
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
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yes this song is written out of an actual experience....but that other song....beautiful face...that's just..my imagination...or to simplify that..it's not an actual experience....you said you don't like to comment song which are written on an actual experience...why not?
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  #4  
Old 2009-07-02, 15:16
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Generally if it's a recent outpouring from the heart I don't like to tamper with an impulsive expression because I feel it's part of a grieving process. It's not that I won't comment. I won't critique. You can't tell someone to alter their feelings. If it's written with some more time between the writing and the event and the person is after a more perfected piece then I will. If it's about an imagined thing, like your other one, I'll pick it apart a little more if I think it needs it. Okay?
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2009-07-02 at 15:18.
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  #5  
Old 2009-07-03, 08:29
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
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pick it apart...if you think it needs to be....i want you to critique it...i want you to tell me what you think...am i better with writing things that are just my imagination...or am i better with things..which are an actual experience...
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  #6  
Old 2009-07-03, 09:26
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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When i woke up this morning
Without you (by my side)
I just knew,
I want you ... BACK!!!

(Here you've established a scenerio right from the beginning. This is good.)

When i woke up this morning
Without you
I already missed
The smell of your parfume,
I missed
Touching your beautiful body

(Sensory as well as emotional verse. You have longing with sight influences, scent and touch.)

It was out of nowhere
It was like, just one day
You decided to say goodbye
And left me alone
Standing in a lake full of tears

(This was good, too. The last line gave it a punch up a notch.)

One last tear,i'll drop
tonight
One last time,I'll remember(us)
And for the first time,i'll say
Goodbye
To you

This part is where it fell flat. When a person is genuinely in love it can be 5 minutes or 50 years and they'll still have those remembrances. I think a last tear can be a possibility, but one would never know when a moment might surface so to me it's unlikely. Saying goodbye is also a possibility as far as closure, but the "One last time,I'll remember(us)" I just can't see happening. There's truth in the piece and feelings, but that could use a little revamp unless that's truly what is meant. It could also be a closure statement, too, I suppose or wishful thinking to make pain go away. If one takes it from the source the very act of writing this is a remembering.

Something I just don't like about it and maybe it's because I'm a woman is that its mostly about externals and the "me" factor right now. If you were to add something to express something that shows the inside of the relationship that nurtured the love it would make this a lot deeper in feeling.

I hope that helps. Even if it you don't use any of my ideas it will at least give you another view.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2009-07-03 at 09:34.
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  #7  
Old 2009-07-04, 04:30
Last Man Standing Last Man Standing is offline
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I made a few corrections at the end....is it any better now...I think it's better...what do you think...should I also change..that....one last tear, I'll drop,tonight..?? thanx


Lake of Tears (revisited)

When I woke up this morning
Without you (by my side)
I just knew,
I want you ... BACK!!!

When I woke up this morning
Without you
I already missed
The smell of your parfume,
I missed
Touching your beautiful body

It was out of nowhere
It was like, just one day
You decided to say goodbye
And left me alone
Standing in a lake full of tears

One last tear,I'll drop
Tonight
For the first time,I'll say
Goodbye (to you)
But I'll always remember(us)
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  #8  
Old 2009-07-06, 09:17
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Yes, I think that's much better.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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