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  #81  
Old 2007-05-14, 08:30
far_beyond_sane's Avatar
far_beyond_sane far_beyond_sane is offline
You gamma-minus fucktards
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Yeah, fuck you all for letting this die. It's Doctor Joke Monday.

******

A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?" "No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then she begs me to fuck her up the arse." "You fuck your sister up the arse?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

******

A guy walks into the doctors and says "Doctor, I've got a p-p-p-p-p-p-problem my w-w-ife's going t-t-to d-d-d-divorce me because of m-m-my s-s-s-stutter. C-c-c-can you h-h-help?"
The doc says "In my experience, most speech impediments are caused by a physical problem, so get behind the screen and remove your clothing for an examination."
The guy whips his gear off and the doc walks in and exclaims "My god, I can see your problem immediately! Your cock is so big, its pulling the skin tight all the way up your torso to your neck! Its affecting your vocal chords!"
The guy says " W-w-what can you d-d-do to s-s-save m-m-my m-marriage then d-d-doc?"
"Easy," says the doctor. "We'll give you an anaesthetic, find a donor with a smaller cock and give you a transplant."
A few weeks later the guy returns to the doctors and says "Doctor, this is fantastic I can talk properly for the first time and it's wonderful, I owe it all to you, but I still have a problem. My wife still wants a divorce as now I can't satisfy her... could you put the old one back on?"
The doctor turns in his chair, looks the guy straight in the eye and says "F-f-f-f-f-fuck o-o-o-off!!!"

******

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "No problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a four-pack, but cut each one into eight for me."
The pharmacist said, "An eight won't do you any good. You need a whole table."
The elderly gentleman said, "Son, I'm 87. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

******

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

******

"Doctor, every time I have sex, my eyes burn like you wouldn't believe!"
"Well, that's mace for you."

******

A woman with 3 vaginas goes to the doctors about her embarrassing problem to ask for some help.
The doctor takes a look down below and asks her to jump up on the table.
She spreads her legs apart and the doctor proceeds to sew up two of the holes leaving the middle one open.
The woman asks "Am I cured?" and the doctor replies "No, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center."
__________________
far_beyond_sane - contributing to the moral decay of your children since 1982

"It was some kind of evolutionary glitch, she figured; no different than the other unreasonable side effects of consciousness and emotion, like religion and rap music."
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  #82  
Old 2007-05-15, 23:58
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Thumbs up

Hahahahaha, those were great man! Especially the first four. Thanks!

~Cheers
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #83  
Old 2007-05-16, 06:04
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Talking

A leper walked into a bar and sat down.The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know my disease is gross, but I do have feelings and you could be a little more sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #84  
Old 2007-05-16, 06:55
CompelledToLacerate's Avatar
CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
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Why do black people have white hands?

Everyone has a little good in them.

__________________
DETH TOLL!!!

Keep checking for new crap.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #85  
Old 2007-05-17, 23:25
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
Why do black people have white hands?

Everyone has a little good in them.



lmao
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #86  
Old 2007-05-18, 00:39
far_beyond_sane's Avatar
far_beyond_sane far_beyond_sane is offline
You gamma-minus fucktards
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Sydney.
Posts: 4,674
Mixed bag today.

***

There once was a lady from Crew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
"Then they'll pay to get out of it, too."

***

An Australian, an African and an Englishman are sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their food. They're looking around the place and spot a man sitting by himself drinking water in the corner. After a few minutes they recognise him as Jesus Christ himself. They agree that he's a great bloke and all chip in to buy Jesus some food. The waiter goes over to Jesus, explains the gesture and gets the food in for him, which Jesus enjoys whole-heartedly.

After the meal, he walks over to see the 3 generous men. He first of all thanks them all, and shakes the hand of the Englishman. The Englishman gets the shivers, feels all tingly etc then says;
"Hang about, I've had chronic arthritis in this wrist for 20 years, you've just cured it, it's a miracle!"
Jesus smiles, then shakes the hand of the African.
"Bloomin 'eck, you've cured my back! I've had problems with that for nearly 30 years, thank you Jesus!"
Jesus smiles, then turns to the Australian, who looks terrified, turns and runs away knocking over tables and chairs screaming "Don't fuckin' touch me!". They all ask what's wrong, to which the Australian shouts,
"I'm not losing my Disability Pension for no cunt!"

***

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
His wife is dead.

***

A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.

A man asks her: "Are they twins?"

Puzzled, the woman replies: "What a stupid fucking question. This one is 3, and the other one is 16. Why do you ask?"

The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

***

Q: What is red and orange and looks good on Queenslanders?
A: Fire.

***

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
"Hey, go easy on the sweets, I'm not made of money!"

***

What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?
Telling your parents you're gay.

***

What sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

***

What animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?
A police horse.
__________________
far_beyond_sane - contributing to the moral decay of your children since 1982

"It was some kind of evolutionary glitch, she figured; no different than the other unreasonable side effects of consciousness and emotion, like religion and rap music."
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  #87  
Old 2007-05-18, 00:47
Infinity's Avatar
Infinity Infinity is offline
Life is pain.
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wow... some of those were really bad.

some were ok too.
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  #88  
Old 2007-05-18, 02:11
far_beyond_sane's Avatar
far_beyond_sane far_beyond_sane is offline
You gamma-minus fucktards
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Join Date: Jul 2001
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Posts: 4,674
Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinity
wow... some of those were really bad.

some were ok too.


You're from Queensland, aren't you?
__________________
far_beyond_sane - contributing to the moral decay of your children since 1982

"It was some kind of evolutionary glitch, she figured; no different than the other unreasonable side effects of consciousness and emotion, like religion and rap music."
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  #89  
Old 2007-05-19, 19:10
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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A down’s syndrome boy goes to the ice cream van and asks for an ice cream. The van driver says "What flavour would you like"?
The down’s syndrome boy replies "It doesn’t matter... I’ll drop it anyways".


What do a retard and a slinky have in common?
Both are completely useless, but still fun to watch fall down the stairs.


Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other.


A man went into a barber shop to get a haircut and the barber found some curly red haird in his beard. The man said "Ah, that figures. Every morning I kiss my wife on the head before I go to work." The barber started to laugh and said "That doesn't explain why you have shit all over your tie."
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #90  
Old 2007-05-19, 22:54
deanguitars's Avatar
deanguitars deanguitars is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: virginia
Posts: 172
did you guys here about the jew, that got a boner and ran into the wall?



........yeah he broke his nose.
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  #91  
Old 2007-05-20, 02:27
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deanguitars
did you guys here about the jew, that got a boner and ran into the wall?
........yeah he broke his nose.


Yeah... I have heard that one, about 44 times actually

Good try though, and I still thank you for contributing to this thread. And thanks to everybody who brought it back to life!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #92  
Old 2007-05-21, 16:57
LucidDreamer LucidDreamer is offline
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 100
these are old and i havnt read the whole thread, so forgive me:

how do you fit 20 jews into a vw beetle?
put them in the ashtray.

whats the difference between a field of dead jews and a field of dead onions?
the onions make u cry.

how long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
-->i don't know
neither do i, i was to busy masturbating.

what did the blind girl get for christmas?
cancer.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
nigger, i hate jews, I have a bomb on my chest and I'm going to kill the President of America, nigger, nigger, I rape children, death to america.

Welcome to MetalTabs my friend!


"Brother will kill brother, spreading blood across the land. Killing for religion, something I don't understand." - 'staine.
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  #93  
Old 2007-05-21, 17:19
LucidDreamer LucidDreamer is offline
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 100
oh yeah.
almost forgot

How can you tell if your dad is gay?
his dick tastes like shit.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
nigger, i hate jews, I have a bomb on my chest and I'm going to kill the President of America, nigger, nigger, I rape children, death to america.

Welcome to MetalTabs my friend!


"Brother will kill brother, spreading blood across the land. Killing for religion, something I don't understand." - 'staine.
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  #94  
Old 2007-05-22, 20:35
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LucidDreamer
these are old and i havnt read the whole thread, so forgive me:

how do you fit 20 jews into a vw beetle?
put them in the ashtray.

whats the difference between a field of dead jews and a field of dead onions?
the onions make u cry.

how long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
-->i don't know
neither do i, i was to busy masturbating.

what did the blind girl get for christmas?
cancer.

Nice... Thanks for contributing man!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
Reply With Quote
  #95  
Old 2007-05-22, 21:31
Pr0az's Avatar
Pr0az Pr0az is offline
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Posts: 1,923
A Russian, American, and Mexican were all sitting by a lake. The Russian slings a whole gallon of vodka into the water and the other guys exclaimed "why would you do that"? The Russian replied, "In my country we have lots and lots of vodka". So after awhile the Mexican throws his whole case of Corona into the water. The other guys exclaimed "Why would you do that"? The Mexican replies, "In my country we have lots and lots of Corona". Then after another short period the American grabs the Mexican and throws him in. The Russian exclaimed "Why would you do that"? The American replies, "In my country we have lots and lots of Mexicans".



---
Grab 4 pennies

Lay one down face first.
What president do you see?

Lay another down beside it.
What type of metal do you see?

Lay another down beside the last.
What type of snake do you see?

Lay another down beside it.
What type of pussy do you see?



Answers:
1. Lincoln
2. Copper
3. Copperhead
4. You won't for 4 cents.

--

A guy was riding down the road, and he really wanted to run over a nigger. Well while riding down the road to fulfill his dream he saw his preacher with a gas can walking down the road because he had run out of gas. Well he picks his preacher up, but knows now he must make a plan to hit the nigger while his preacher is with him, he knows the man is a person of faith and would never allow or forgive him if he took another persons life no matter what color. Well he comes up with a scheme to act like he has went to sleep at the wheel and take one out. Well after driving a few miles he saw one in the horizon. So he slowly begins acting like his falling asleep and right time he gets up on the guy he closes his eyes and swerves over, all he hears is BAM!! All of a sudden he acts like he's wokin up and goes did i hit him did i hit him?!?! The preacher replies no but you got close enough so i could hit him with this gas can.
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“Remember to live, eat, sleep and breathe music for the mind, play from your heart and never be swayed by the current trends.” ~Rusty Cooley
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  #96  
Old 2007-05-23, 03:18
Mardraum Mardraum is offline
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Posts: 128
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Why did the pianist get thrown into jail?
He fingered A minor.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
thank god its fake. Its fake, right? right guys???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timedragon
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
Incidentally, one second after that pic loaded, a voice on my tv said "on the other side of that fence, is freedom." i found this little situation to be pretty damn funny.
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  #97  
Old 2007-05-23, 05:37
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mardraum
Why did the pianist get thrown into jail?
He fingered A minor.


LMAO that was great man! I'm surprised I haven't heard that one yet. Thank you for contributing Gejuich

Here are some more to keep you all entertained...

What's the difference between a Jew and a bar of soap?
The bar of soap doesn't die after 45 seconds in the shower.

A Rabbi addresses a group of Jews in a Nazi concentration camp. The Rabbi says "My fellow Jews, I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is, we are all going to England... but the bad news is we are all going as lampshades!"
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #98  
Old 2007-05-23, 06:38
Mardraum Mardraum is offline
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Posts: 128
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What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Go pick on someone your own size.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
thank god its fake. Its fake, right? right guys???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timedragon
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
Incidentally, one second after that pic loaded, a voice on my tv said "on the other side of that fence, is freedom." i found this little situation to be pretty damn funny.
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  #99  
Old 2007-05-23, 08:26
sixsicsix's Avatar
sixsicsix sixsicsix is offline
6 lvl 80's sucka.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mardraum
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Go pick on someone your own size.

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
I have no real friends, so I have to make up my own memories:

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-...pad_and_pat.jpg
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  #100  
Old 2007-05-24, 01:38
MyOwnSavior's Avatar
MyOwnSavior MyOwnSavior is offline
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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You don't jump on a trampoline with cleats on.
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
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