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  #61  
Old 2007-03-12, 22:30
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Why do German shower nozzles have eleven holes in the head?
Jews only have ten fingers.

Did you hear about the new German engineered microwave?
It seats 12


Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fucking wooden one!"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #62  
Old 2007-03-12, 23:08
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz906
Why do German shower nozzles have eleven holes in the head?
Jews only have ten fingers.

Did you hear about the new German engineered microwave?
It seats 12


Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fucking wooden one!"

Love that last one.
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It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #63  
Old 2007-03-12, 23:40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
Love that last one.


Me too. I was like ok where is this going.. then it definitely made up for it. A good read. haha
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...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
About requiem. Aint it the truth...
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  #64  
Old 2007-03-13, 01:10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz906
(No really offensive Indian jokes please, my gf is native...she made me type that lol)

What's the difference between a bench and a native Indian ?

One can support a family, one can't.



What do you call a Sasquatch?

Proof that Indians fucked bears.



What do you call an Indian riding a bike?

A Theif.



What do you call two Indians riding a bike?

Organized Crime.



How do you confuse an Indian?

Hide his welfare check in his workboots



How do you get a one armed Indian out of a tree?

Pass him a beer



What do you call an Indian artefact?

An empty beer bottle on the side of the road



What do you call a rare Indian artefact?

A full bottle of beer on the side of the road



What's the fastest thing on a Indian reserve?

A beer truck


What's the second fasted thing on a Indian reserve?

A mob of Indians chasing it.


What do you call an Indian without a casino?

A Mexican.




You asked for it.
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  #65  
Old 2007-03-13, 02:34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by problematic
What's the difference between a bench and a native Indian ?

One can support a family, one can't.



What do you call a Sasquatch?

Proof that Indians fucked bears.



What do you call an Indian riding a bike?

A Theif.



What do you call two Indians riding a bike?

Organized Crime.



How do you confuse an Indian?

Hide his welfare check in his workboots



How do you get a one armed Indian out of a tree?

Pass him a beer



What do you call an Indian artefact?

An empty beer bottle on the side of the road



What do you call a rare Indian artefact?

A full bottle of beer on the side of the road



What's the fastest thing on a Indian reserve?

A beer truck


What's the second fasted thing on a Indian reserve?

A mob of Indians chasing it.


What do you call an Indian without a casino?

A Mexican.




You asked for it.



I spose I did ask for it lol... And how the hell do you know all those stereotypes anyways? you're all the way in Australia.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #66  
Old 2007-03-13, 03:40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz906
I spose I did ask for it lol... And how the hell do you know all those stereotypes anyways? you're all the way in Australia.


Apart for the last one, just substitute Abo with Indian.

I'm surprised I haven't heard a joke yet about abos trading children as sex slaves for petrol to huff
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  #67  
Old 2007-03-13, 03:58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seve420
Apart for the last one, just substitute Abo with Indian.

I'm surprised I haven't heard a joke yet about abos trading children as sex slaves for petrol to huff


lmao... I wouldn't know though, can't say I have met one. The natives here aren't as bad as people say they are. When people bash them, they are just talking about the ones that actually are shits, there are plenty of productive, friendly, average Native Canadian & Native American citizens. There are just as many white shitheads as there are native shitheads, same goes for any race, you can't really generalize any nationality or race as "bad"...as there are good and bad of all people. (Not to mention that some native chicks are damn hot, like my gf lol) But I just happen to like dark features, each to his/her own. ANYWAYS...back to the jokes, I don't want to get off topic and start a big debate.

~Cheers
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #68  
Old 2007-03-13, 05:07
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seve420
Apart for the last one, just substitute Abo with Indian.

I'm surprised I haven't heard a joke yet about abos trading children as sex slaves for petrol to huff

Both of you are right. I substituted native indians for most Abo jokes around here. But the stereotype works kinda the same, and the basic history too (White invading, fucking people over with alcohol, future not completely assimilated, etc. etc.).

What do you call three abo's going off a cliff in a Nissan Patrol?

A waste, Patrol's can seat 8.

(old, old, old)
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  #69  
Old 2007-03-13, 05:40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by problematic
Both of you are right. I substituted native indians for most Abo jokes around here. But the stereotype works kinda the same, and the basic history too (White invading, fucking people over with alcohol, future not completely assimilated, etc. etc.).

What do you call three abo's going off a cliff in a Nissan Patrol?

A waste, Patrol's can seat 8.

(old, old, old)


lol...I've never heard that one even though it's old... I am almost 20 though so I haven't been around all that long.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #70  
Old 2007-03-13, 05:50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by belphegor79
Non-Americans should have to pay a tax just for living in a lesser civilization.


You know it will come to that one day

Thats pretty funny, right guys?
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  #71  
Old 2007-03-13, 06:21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by problematic



What do you call a Sasquatch?

Proof that Indians fucked bears.






haha, thats great.lol, Those are mostly mexican jokes in the states.
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I have no real friends, so I have to make up my own memories:

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  #72  
Old 2007-03-13, 12:35
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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Yeah, almost all of those are Mexican or nigger jokes.
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  #73  
Old 2007-03-14, 03:19
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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If I ever get another girlfriend this'll be my romatic poetic gesture.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

There are 5 animals one can find on the female body, all below the waist: she has 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass and 1 fish which nobody can seem to find.

A guy goes up to a girl and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx

Last edited by powersofterror : 2007-03-14 at 03:35.
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  #74  
Old 2007-03-14, 03:37
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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This deserved it's own post...

Aw Shit...


Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrage Shit
Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Sweetcorn shit
Self Explanatory

Log shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Drinkers shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet .

"Gee I wish I could shit" shit
Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump"
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone.

Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

The aftershock shit
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected.

The Honeymoons over shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes

Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there

Peek-a-boo-shit
Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

The bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit.
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #75  
Old 2007-03-14, 09:51
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Dahmers Fridge Dahmers Fridge is offline
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You could add the 'Pace Car Shit' - That dry stubborn one that takes forever to crimp off and when it does drop into the bowl all the rest go racing past after it in a matter of seconds.
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  #76  
Old 2007-03-15, 02:31
Necrovore Necrovore is offline
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What do you do with a Jewish Nigger?
Put him in the back of the oven.
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  #77  
Old 2007-03-23, 13:52
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the_bleeding the_bleeding is offline
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breaking out the oldie mouldies... never thought it would come to this

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."







Why do blondes wear panties??
to keep their ankles warm....
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahmers Fridge
In the US "fanny" is a word used to describe the ass or butt. Here in the UK "fanny" is a lady garden (vagina)
I was very bemused as a youngster watching the Golden Girls when Blanche said she was going to "spank her fanny" I had visions of a geriatric vertical bacon sandwich red and bruised from being disciplined!!!

Last edited by the_bleeding : 2007-03-23 at 13:54.
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  #78  
Old 2007-03-24, 08:01
HAMMERSMASHEDFACE's Avatar
HAMMERSMASHEDFACE HAMMERSMASHEDFACE is offline
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this is sort of messed up but my friends loved this poem

THE PRIEST BY HAMMERSMASHEDFACE


there once was a priest
who wasnt straight in the least
after the mass
he fucked the bishop in the ass
like a hungry beast
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anything to point out their hypocrisy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinity
He's calling you a faggot piece of shit because you are young and unintelligent, and most of all, you are a boring, stereotyopical, close minded metal head. Please don't pretend to understand anything PST says. Please leave the forum now.
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  #79  
Old 2007-04-02, 03:33
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blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Well these are barely morbid or brutal so whatever, lets just think of it as the 'Distasteful Jokes Threat' from here on...

One day, a husband surprised his wife by grabbing her butt and saying, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of your gurdle". The wife thought this was childish and said nothing. The next day he woke her up by grabbing her breasts and saying, "if you firm these up we can get rid of your bras". That pissed her off, so she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of the dog!"



The owner of a drug store walks in to find a man leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the new clerk: "What's wrong with the guy over there by the wall?" The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We were all out of cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative" The owner, wide-eyed and angered shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The new clerk responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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  #80  
Old 2007-05-14, 06:51
blitz906's Avatar
blitz906 blitz906 is offline
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Aww shit the thread died. It was fun too lol
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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